Wednesday, January 11, 2006

We coming down on th

We coming down on the clowns what come around, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That explains it
In Cincinnati, they found a woman who had been dead in front of her TV for two and a half years. That is awful, but it does explain how she was able to watch so many episodes of “Joey.”

Quite a following
In playoff games, New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady is 10-0. Brady is a rich, handsome famous sports legend who men idolize. And not just gay cowboys, either.  

A phone survey by the University of Buffalo reveals that 9% of workers have nursed a hangover at work; do you realize what this means? People lie to phone surveys. Maybe 9% haven’t been hung-over at work. And that’s just among Mormon priests.

9% have nursed a hangover at work? If a writer shows up here not hung-over we send them home. “Don’t come back until you look like Charlie Rose.”

180 degrees
The NFL won't renew its sponsorship deal with Levitra or other erectile-enhancing products; but the NFL will air commercials for the arthritis drug, Celebrex, so it appears the NFL has reversed its position and wants to get rid of stiff joints.

Not since then
Did you hear about the guy in New Mexico who threw a mouse in a burning pile of leaves and the mouse ran into his house burning it to the ground? It’s the greatest example of animal revenge since a Wyoming rancher was raped by his sheep

It is unseasonably warm in New York City; in fact, it felt so much like spring the cab drivers were hiding Easter eggs in their turbans.  

In London, Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri is on trial facing 15 chargers of terrorism; in addition, the one eyed, hook-handed Hamza also faces the lesser charge of badly impersonating a pirate.

That would explain it     
According to Variety, the hottest trend in Hollywood now is gay-themed movies; this explains the sequel “Deuce Bigalow, Cowboy Gigolo.”

Scrap this idea
The NFL has cancelled their endorsement deal with Levitra and all erectile dysfunction drug companies; well, so much for the New York Giants plan next season for keeping Eli Manning up in the pocket.

It was a rough playoff game for the New York Giants Eli Manning; when asked if he wanted a chance to explain his poor performance, Eli passed. And it was intercepted.

Good news bad news
It was determined that disgraced South Korean researcher Hwang Woo-Suk’s cloning results were phony, but that his cloned dog, Snuppy, was real; so now that he can clone dogs, Hwang is through as a South Korean scientist but he has a bright future as a Korean restaurant owner.

Give it a try
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is doing better and doctors say they plan to draw him out of his induced coma; and if it works, they will try the same thing on Courtney Love.

Good news, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is reportedly breathing on his own, so he is already doing better than Dick Cheney.

Since you asked
This morning I took a culinary stroll down memory lane and reprised a wonderful epicurean experience of my college days at Santa Barbara. After waiting tables for the always busy brunch shift at the Elegant Farmer in Goleta, the awesome cooks would whip together an off-the-menu, off-the-charts special they dubbed Da Kine Burrito: Scrambled eggs with Chorizo, avocado, sour cream, bacon and cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla and smothered in Hollandaise sauce. This was accompanied with hash browns, sliced bananas marinated in cream and Cream De Cocoa served with a screw driver and or champagne.

This morning I only replicated the scrambled eggs with Chorizo, bacon and cheese in a flour tortilla without the sauce, hash browns, bananas or any booze. It was great, but somehow I don’t remember suffering from this chest plate scorching heart burn that is still raging three hours after I consumed my toned-down version of Da Kine burrito. This probably has nothing to do with being a tad older than I used to be.  


No lie, I would down this gastronomic amazement and be starving an hour later; but I was also 21, working out for the Decathlon three hours a day, waiting tables for a few hours, windsurfing in my spare time and riding my bike to and from the restaurant. If I tried to eat all of that now, I would be doing a Dick Cheney impression within the hour.

“Charge. Clear. Again. Charge. Clear. We have a sinus rhythm.”

Now I don’t remember the comedian’s name, but she was a very funny attractive woman of about 32 and her routine was she was the bitter single gal. She said, by her age, she had already expected to be divorced.

She then scolded the young babes;

“Oh, sure, when you’re in your twenties you go through men like tissues.” She then pantomimes carelessly flinging tissues from a Kleenex box into the air while singing;

“He’s too tall, he can’t dance, I don’t like the pleats in his pants.” Then she screeches;

“But when you hit thirty, girls, that box is empty and you’re left scrounging through the waste basket for any old wadded up tissue.”

“Where’s the guy who loved me too much? Where is the guy who was too neat?”

Uh, that’s, uh, that’s pretty funny stuff.