Friday, December 02, 2005

We gotta get our ho

We gotta get our ho ho ho on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Attention FEMA: only 132 shopping days until Christmas.

Playa love gloves
Rapper “Fiddy” Cent wants to launch his own line of condoms. Rappers are notorious for trying to be big tough guys. “Fiddy” Cent demanded that his condoms be made ten inches long and then marked medium.

She’s covered
“The Dukes of Hazard” is out on DVD. It is rumored that Jessica Simpson used a butt double for the movie: a substitute model for the shots of her butt. That’s not unusual in Hollywood, a lot of actresses use a butt double. Except for Jennifer Lopez, she is her own butt double.

A South Dakota teenager was arrested for having sex with a department store mannequin. The most embarrassing part? He picked the ugliest mannequin in the store: the Camilla Parker Bowles mannequin.

A South Dakota teenager was arrested for having sex with a department store mannequin. That’s sick. Why can’t he have sex like normal people in North Dakota? With sheep.

A medical study reveals that Americans are getting too fat to receive medicine injected into their butts because the medication can’t circulate past the fat. This information made me so sick I couldn’t even finish my deep fried Twinkie.

San Diego Rep congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham resigned after pleading guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes; or as Tom Delay calls Cunningham: that lousy quitter.

I’ve said this before
San Diego congressman “Duke” Cunningham pleaded guilty to accepting bribes including a yacht he named The Duke-ster. In my opinion all guys who add a “the” and “Ster” to a nickname should go to prison: “Yo, it’s the Jay-ster here. How’s it goin’ with the Kev-Ster?”

Kobe “I’m an idol” Bryant?
During his trial, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time in court writing a poem. Saddam had to stop when he couldn’t rhyme anything with homicidal tyrant.

During his trial, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time in court writing a poem. We have a shot of the poem: “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m nuts and the voices in my head are too.”

Rough days
So far I am having a rough time. That parrot named Terrell Owens I got in exchange for my bribe to “Duke” Cunningham? It has the bird flu.

You’re OK
According to a small study of moviegoers shown both funny and non-funny films, laughter increased blood flow 22% while stress decreased blood flow by 35%. Do you realize what this means? If you cut yourself while reading this blog, you won’t bleed to death.

What’s up, Doc?
Fresh off a one year suspension for hitting a fan, Indiana Pacer Ron Artest arrived on court with Tru Warier shaved into his hair. To quote Bugs Bunny, what an imbecile (pronounced: Em bye sell) what a moron (Pronounced: Maroon)

Who are they kidding?
Showtime’s “Sleeper Cell” is a series about an Islamic terrorist cell in the U.S. that consists of a blonde-haired American, an African American, a Frenchman, and a school teacher. Gosh, how realistic. Why not include a construction worker and a cop and call it “The Village People’s Jihad?”

Top Ten Signs your child may secretly be an Islamic Fundamentalist.

10, Insists the Christmas tree faces Mecca.

9, When you kiss him goodnight he says; “Goodnight and die, wretched infidel.”

8, When he grows up he wants to be a New York City cab driver.

7, You come home to find he’s traded the family Labrador for a camel.

6, Bumper sticker on your car reads; “My child is a sleeper cell honor student.”

5, Asks you to help him tie his shoe bomb

4, Yells at his mother for throwing out his al Qaeda trading cards

3, Insists on wearing his “Free Saddam” t-shirt for his class picture

2, For his birthday he asks to go to dinner at Thank Allah It’s Friday’s

And the number one sign your child may secretly be an Islamic Fundamentalist:

The only thing he wants for Christmas? A Jihad Joe doll.