Tuesday, November 08, 2005

We got us a plan and we gonna take it to the man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Non, oui?
There have been eleven straight days of rioting in Paris, France. The French are not sure what caused the riots but they do know it has something to do with Lance Armstrong using performance enhancing drugs.

Beating more than just this dead horse
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom and a fight ensued. Give the arresting officer credit, he was very meticulous. “OK, girls, to get a fair perspective, I want you two to replicate exactly what happened in the bathroom for me.

Blow out
In Oklahoma, the Hanna High basketball team lost to Earlsboro 112 to 2. Apparently the Hanna team was manned by their soccer team and they didn’t know they could use their hands.

How’d you like to be the guy who scored the loser’s lone basket? “The good news, Dad? I was the team’s high scorer . . .”

The Gov on board
California democratic state senator Gloria Romero is going to introduce legislation that would decriminalize women baring their breasts in public; to which Rep Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger said; “See? We can work together for worthy bipartisan legislation.”

About then
The New York City marathon was last weekend; that means most of the bodies missing from the race will be discovered as early as this Friday.

There have been eleven straight days of rioting in France. It’s so bad the French were going to deploy their army. Then they remembered, oh yeah, we’re French, we don’t have an Army.

Things in France are so bad even the Germans don’t want to invade it anymore.

The rioters are Africans and Muslims angry at being treated badly by the French; in response, the French said; “We didn’t treat them badly, besides, who cares what a bunch of worthless foreigners think?”

Special day
Today is the election here in California. That means voters will have to study hard to try and decide what their excuse for not voting is.

Fair enough
The Las Vegas mayor, Oscar B. Goodman, said he wants to cut the thumbs off of vandals caught writing graffiti; in a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles agreed to take back Terrell Owens if they can cut off his tongue.

Oh my goodness
Raven-haired, green-eyed, Indy car racing babe Danika Patrick has been accused of punching another driver in a race altercation; let’s review, she’s a great driver, she’s beautiful and she can punch. If I was a cartoon character there would be hearts floating around my head.

Nyuck Nyuck Study
A humor study from Stanford reveals that men are less analytical with humor than women and that’s why men prefer slapstick humor, like “The Three Stooges” and women prefer thoughtful jokes. To women I say congratulations on your intellect and, to men I would like to say; “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, woobobwoobwob, oh, a wise guy, nyaahaahah.”

Can you blame her?
“The National Enquirer” reports that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s marriage is on the rocks because Kevin is not participating in raising their baby; Britney is sick and tired of always having to be the one to tell their huge staff of nurses and nannys what to do.