Here you go:
This week I saw a replay of the Preakness and the eventual winner, Afleet Alex, fell nearly to it’s knees; there hasn’t been anything that big in its knee since, well, Monica.
OK, yeah, that’s right, I said it, uh huh; now what’s the dealioizzy, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers?
Oh, that’s just super
In Vienna, scientist have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” Great, toilets have a brain but our president doesn’t.
Amazing
A major pharmaceutical company announced they are working on a drug that will aid men with premature ejaculation. The way it works is right when a man starts to get over-excited, the drug kicks in and sends the brain a mental image of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Who knew?
I was sort of surprised by the winner of “American Idol.” Turns out it was Saddam Hussein in his underwear.
Ewww
There is a brand new fitness craze that is all the rage; it’s an intense diet and workout regimen designed for all guys who don’t look as good in their underwear as Saddam Hussein.
Ewww 2
In Frankfort, Germany a man continued to sleep with his wife a year after she died. When asked about it, the man said; “In retrospect, I should have suspected something when she didn’t want to chat after sex.”
Jumbo shrimp?
Tyson Foods said it will investigate allegations from PETA of inhumane slaughter of chickens. Here is my question: is there such a thing as humane slaughter?
Apparently PETA wants the chickens slaughtered in a gentle, caring and nurturing way.
Alarmed
This week in the Michael Jackson trial, a witness testified that Michael Jackson has an alarm on his bedroom door. What is an alarm going to stop? Compared to what is already going on in Michael Jackson’s bedroom, a storming terrorist would seem like a birthday party clown.
This just in
A Swiss study showed people will think something that normally stinks will seem to smell better if it is given a more pleasant name. In a related story, Trenton, New Jersey has changed its name to Lavender, New Jersey.
Not doing that anymore
After the flushing Koran mistake, “Newsweek” has announced they have a new policy on using anonymous sources. From now on they will not use information from that guy how knows that other guy who heard it from his cousin’s drinking buddy.
Well, he’s got that anyway
A 13-year-old Florida boy used a 12-pack of beer as a booster seat to drive a stolen car. The kid got in trouble, but, on the bright side, he’s been named an honorary lifetime country music fan.
What a deal
A 57-year-old Fort Payne, AL woman who's already a great-grandmother gave birth to twins. The good news? Her local K-Mart has a special on diapers for all three of them.
He must be stopped
In Brazil, 100 homes were destroyed by accident. Listen, I don’t care if he is on vacation, that Billy Joel has to be kept from driving.
Talented girl
When “American Idol” winner Carrie Underwood said she is going to perform crossover Country, President Bush said; “She’s a pilot too?”
Message from beyond
In sad news, Henry Corden, the voice of Fred Flintstone passed away at 85 of emphysema from smoking; Corden wanted to leave a message to our youth, when it comes to smoking: Yabba Dabba Don’t.
In sad news, Henry Corden, the voice of Fred Flintstone passed away at 85. It was tragic, Henry died of exposure when his saber tooth tiger locked him out of his rock house.
Campaign coin
It is rumored that Dick Cheney could run for President in 2008. Cheney plans to finance his campaign from the proceeds of his portrayal of Darth Vadar in “Star Wars III.”
Let’s be clear about this
The Russell Crowe movie “Cinderella Man” is getting great reviews. It’s about the Cinderella-story comeback of boxer James Braddock, “Cinderella Man” is not, repeat, not a documentary on Ryan Seacrest.
Gee, thanks
Don’t you love those TV news promo teasers? “Why you could die instantly unless you get the cure from us. Tune in tonight at Eleven.”
Since you asked:
Here is what happens when I become president.
(Didn’t get the Pope gig, as you might know. Some whiney thing about not being Catholic and that whole celibacy thing)
As President I would make all junk mail, junk faxes and telemarketing illegal. So are those card thingies that fall out of magazines. If a package is too hard to open you can take it back and get double your money. No talking on cell phones when driving. Period. The designated hitter? Gone. Astroturf? Gone. Any athlete caught cheating with performance enhancing chemicals of any kind? Banished from the sport for life. No renegotiating of signed sports contracts. (They don't pay players less when you have a bad year)
Parents who allow loud and annoying behavior from their children in restaurants have to pay for everyone else's meal.
Any and all frivolous lawsuits are illegal and the lawyer who attempts to undertake one is subject to jail. If you sue anyone or anything and lose you have to pay all court costs.
Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. carwash commercial? In. Toe fungus Lamisil commercial? Out. The Bill of Rights no longer covers intentionally rude behavior including intentionally obnoxious skateboarding and painfully loud music blasting and yammering in a movie theater. Cell phone yammering in front of a captive audience? Illegal and subject to a huge fine.
Celebrities – especially actors – are not allowed to speak publicly about any political topic unless they have chosen to run for a public office. Specifically Madonna and Sean Penn. (This falls under the Bill of Rights does not apply to intentionally rude behavior edict. I consider uninformed opinions from grown-up spoiled brats to be rude behavior)
Hackers, Spammers and Popup ad makers? Sentenced to twenty years of public service. We institute an easy access computer repair and help organization. Anyone in jail for recreational sale or use of marijuana is let out and replaced in that cell by a computer virus maker.
In addition, it is hereby illegal for a big-shot movie star to appear on a talk show and jump on a couch screaming; “I’m in love, I’m in love.” That is punishable by death or mandatory attendance of an insurance seminar or a viewing of the Ice Follies .
PETA is now officially defunct and it is to be replaced by a sensible animal rights group void of stark raving lunatics. The new sensible animal rights group will deal primarily with mammals and pets only. Sorry, but un-endangered insects, lizards and birds, including chickens, don’t count.
Anyone who saves a pet from the pound gets to declare them a dependent for tax purposes.
And last, but not least, it is hereby illegal for anyone to allow their young children to name their dog.
Every other issue that is more important or more complicated? I would leave that up to people who are more qualified to decide on them then I am and that would be just about everybody
Any questions, please write to: Elect Lex, 2008 lexkase@san.rr.com
OK, folks, for the last time. If a celebrity emphatically states anything, it is a lie.
Let’s review:
Brad did, and is currently doing, Angelina. Who, on earth, given the chance, wouldn't?
Jessica is divorcing Nick.
Tom is not in love with Katie for reasons that should be obvious to anyone but Liza with a Z.
Lindsay is on coke and, though they are smaller due to drug-induced starvation, her breasts are fake.
Britney and Kevin? Oh, who cares?
This week I saw a replay of the Preakness and the eventual winner, Afleet Alex, fell nearly to it’s knees; there hasn’t been anything that big in its knee since, well, Monica.
OK, yeah, that’s right, I said it, uh huh; now what’s the dealioizzy, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers?
Oh, that’s just super
In Vienna, scientist have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” Great, toilets have a brain but our president doesn’t.
Amazing
A major pharmaceutical company announced they are working on a drug that will aid men with premature ejaculation. The way it works is right when a man starts to get over-excited, the drug kicks in and sends the brain a mental image of Camilla Parker Bowles.
Who knew?
I was sort of surprised by the winner of “American Idol.” Turns out it was Saddam Hussein in his underwear.
Ewww
There is a brand new fitness craze that is all the rage; it’s an intense diet and workout regimen designed for all guys who don’t look as good in their underwear as Saddam Hussein.
Ewww 2
In Frankfort, Germany a man continued to sleep with his wife a year after she died. When asked about it, the man said; “In retrospect, I should have suspected something when she didn’t want to chat after sex.”
Jumbo shrimp?
Tyson Foods said it will investigate allegations from PETA of inhumane slaughter of chickens. Here is my question: is there such a thing as humane slaughter?
Apparently PETA wants the chickens slaughtered in a gentle, caring and nurturing way.
Alarmed
This week in the Michael Jackson trial, a witness testified that Michael Jackson has an alarm on his bedroom door. What is an alarm going to stop? Compared to what is already going on in Michael Jackson’s bedroom, a storming terrorist would seem like a birthday party clown.
This just in
A Swiss study showed people will think something that normally stinks will seem to smell better if it is given a more pleasant name. In a related story, Trenton, New Jersey has changed its name to Lavender, New Jersey.
Not doing that anymore
After the flushing Koran mistake, “Newsweek” has announced they have a new policy on using anonymous sources. From now on they will not use information from that guy how knows that other guy who heard it from his cousin’s drinking buddy.
Well, he’s got that anyway
A 13-year-old Florida boy used a 12-pack of beer as a booster seat to drive a stolen car. The kid got in trouble, but, on the bright side, he’s been named an honorary lifetime country music fan.
What a deal
A 57-year-old Fort Payne, AL woman who's already a great-grandmother gave birth to twins. The good news? Her local K-Mart has a special on diapers for all three of them.
He must be stopped
In Brazil, 100 homes were destroyed by accident. Listen, I don’t care if he is on vacation, that Billy Joel has to be kept from driving.
Talented girl
When “American Idol” winner Carrie Underwood said she is going to perform crossover Country, President Bush said; “She’s a pilot too?”
Message from beyond
In sad news, Henry Corden, the voice of Fred Flintstone passed away at 85 of emphysema from smoking; Corden wanted to leave a message to our youth, when it comes to smoking: Yabba Dabba Don’t.
In sad news, Henry Corden, the voice of Fred Flintstone passed away at 85. It was tragic, Henry died of exposure when his saber tooth tiger locked him out of his rock house.
Campaign coin
It is rumored that Dick Cheney could run for President in 2008. Cheney plans to finance his campaign from the proceeds of his portrayal of Darth Vadar in “Star Wars III.”
Let’s be clear about this
The Russell Crowe movie “Cinderella Man” is getting great reviews. It’s about the Cinderella-story comeback of boxer James Braddock, “Cinderella Man” is not, repeat, not a documentary on Ryan Seacrest.
Gee, thanks
Don’t you love those TV news promo teasers? “Why you could die instantly unless you get the cure from us. Tune in tonight at Eleven.”
Since you asked:
Here is what happens when I become president.
(Didn’t get the Pope gig, as you might know. Some whiney thing about not being Catholic and that whole celibacy thing)
As President I would make all junk mail, junk faxes and telemarketing illegal. So are those card thingies that fall out of magazines. If a package is too hard to open you can take it back and get double your money. No talking on cell phones when driving. Period. The designated hitter? Gone. Astroturf? Gone. Any athlete caught cheating with performance enhancing chemicals of any kind? Banished from the sport for life. No renegotiating of signed sports contracts. (They don't pay players less when you have a bad year)
Parents who allow loud and annoying behavior from their children in restaurants have to pay for everyone else's meal.
Any and all frivolous lawsuits are illegal and the lawyer who attempts to undertake one is subject to jail. If you sue anyone or anything and lose you have to pay all court costs.
Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. carwash commercial? In. Toe fungus Lamisil commercial? Out. The Bill of Rights no longer covers intentionally rude behavior including intentionally obnoxious skateboarding and painfully loud music blasting and yammering in a movie theater. Cell phone yammering in front of a captive audience? Illegal and subject to a huge fine.
Celebrities – especially actors – are not allowed to speak publicly about any political topic unless they have chosen to run for a public office. Specifically Madonna and Sean Penn. (This falls under the Bill of Rights does not apply to intentionally rude behavior edict. I consider uninformed opinions from grown-up spoiled brats to be rude behavior)
Hackers, Spammers and Popup ad makers? Sentenced to twenty years of public service. We institute an easy access computer repair and help organization. Anyone in jail for recreational sale or use of marijuana is let out and replaced in that cell by a computer virus maker.
In addition, it is hereby illegal for a big-shot movie star to appear on a talk show and jump on a couch screaming; “I’m in love, I’m in love.” That is punishable by death or mandatory attendance of an insurance seminar or a viewing of the Ice Follies .
PETA is now officially defunct and it is to be replaced by a sensible animal rights group void of stark raving lunatics. The new sensible animal rights group will deal primarily with mammals and pets only. Sorry, but un-endangered insects, lizards and birds, including chickens, don’t count.
Anyone who saves a pet from the pound gets to declare them a dependent for tax purposes.
And last, but not least, it is hereby illegal for anyone to allow their young children to name their dog.
Every other issue that is more important or more complicated? I would leave that up to people who are more qualified to decide on them then I am and that would be just about everybody
Any questions, please write to: Elect Lex, 2008 lexkase@san.rr.com
OK, folks, for the last time. If a celebrity emphatically states anything, it is a lie.
Let’s review:
Brad did, and is currently doing, Angelina. Who, on earth, given the chance, wouldn't?
Jessica is divorcing Nick.
Tom is not in love with Katie for reasons that should be obvious to anyone but Liza with a Z.
Lindsay is on coke and, though they are smaller due to drug-induced starvation, her breasts are fake.
Britney and Kevin? Oh, who cares?
posted by Alex at
11:54 AM
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