Raise the roof and grind it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nick of time
In a world-class public urinating contest even for Kobe Bryant, Kobe has now accused Karl Malone of making a pass at his wife, Venessa. Kobe found out about Karl Malone’s play for his wife just in time: Venessa was just waiting for the appraisal on Karl’s diamond ring to come in.

Shaq, Phil Jackson, Karl Malone and even his own parents, Kobe can’t get along with anyone. It turns out Kobe is a Japanese word that, roughly translated, means Barry Bonds.

A bad year
The jury cited lack of emotion as a main reason for choosing the death penalty for Scott Peterson. If lack of emotion is a reason for getting the death penalty, John Kerry is in serious trouble.

Now, I don't want to pick on John Kerry, but, in retrospect, he is the first snowboarder to be stiffer then his snowboard.

Besides him
At Michael Jackson’s ranch, police discovered porn in a briefcase. Who puts their porn in a brief case? Well, besides Bill O’Reilly.

Good move
President Bush nominee for homeland security secretary, Bernard Kerik, had many skeletons in his closet besides an illegal Nanny: questionable stock deals, mob connections, two girlfriends. Now Bush is going to nominate somebody with a cleaner record: Tony Soprano.

Uh, sir . . .
It was embarrassing when President Bush nominated former E.P.A. chief Michael Leavitt, as secretary of health and human services. Bush said that Leavitt’s experience with E.P.A. would be helpful as those E.P.A. tests are important in for couples that want to find out if they’re pregnant.

Not a bad decision
Now that the Los Angeles Lakers seem to be faltering, owner Dr. Jerry Buss has come under criticism for choosing to side with team-chemistry-cancer Kobe Bryant at the exclusion of everyone else. Personally I don’t think it was that bad of a p.r. move. It could have been worse, Buss could have gone with Scott Peterson.

Hang on. What? I’m being told I am being wildly unfair to compare Kobe Bryant to Scott Peterson and that I should apologize immediately. They’re right. When push came to shove, Scott Peterson could find people to testify on his behalf.

Oh, snap, no you di' . . .'nt.