This just in: Scott Peterson got the death penalty. Right now former “Baretta” star Robert Blake has to be nervous. Incidentally, “Baretta” roughly translated in Spanish means: You’re so screwed.

That ain’t even anywhere near right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s just mean
Did you see the pictures of poisoned Ukrainian candidate Viktor Yushchenko? Apparently dioxin is so powerful, it can turn you into Marge Schott.

Say ahhh
President Bush passed his physical last week. It was kind of embarrassing. When asked if he had a rectal exam, Bush said; “Yes, and my eyes are just fine, thank you.”

When asked if he had a prostate exam, Bush replied, “I wasn’t lying prostate, I was standing strait up.”

President Bush passed his physical with flying colors. Dick Cheney passed his physical with a flying color. Unfortunately, that flying color was a code blue.

Don we now our gay apparel
Man, I tell you, putting up Christmas lights is a pain. You need to be good with tools, you have to work with electricity. It’s enough to make you wish you were Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Tiger’s goat
Tiger sprouted whiskers. Did you check out the goatee Tiger Woods was sporting during his World Challenge tournament? To be candid, Tiger’s goatee isn’t the best goatee I’ve ever seen. My neighbor’s kid has a better beard. And she’s only ten.

And some body wash . . .
Anna Benson, a former stripper who is married to New York Met pitcher Kris Benson, said that if he ever cheated on her, she would do the same with everyone in the Met organization. Well, except for Mike Piazza. She would offer him tickets to the Broadway musical “Mamma Mia.”

Not quite a strike
You know those Eight of Saddam Hussein's jailed deputies, who refused to eat breakfast as part of what one of their lawyers described as a "hunger strike"? Well, they’re eating again. Michael Moore has gone on longer diets than that.

I’m not really sure that counts as a hunger strike. Even Kirstie Alley missed breakfast now and again.

Sorry, but just because you didn’t eat all of your Captain Crunch, that doesn’t qualify as a hunger strike.

A close fit
The surprise-hit movie “Sideways” led all films with seven Golden Globe nominations. In case you don’t know, “Sideways” is about a winery road-trip, “Sideways” is not, repeat, not a republican documentary on how Michael Moore squeezed into the voting booth.