Hoooww. Jump back, kiss myself. Haaa, ahoowe, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Now that is embarrassing
*Arizona police charged Richard Simmons with slapping a man who made fun of one of his exercise videos. How would you like to be remembered as the guy who got bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons? I would rather lose to Jessica Simpson in "Jeopardy."
How fast is it?
*NASA has developed the world’s fastest jet that goes 5000 mph, that’s over seven times the speed of sound. That means that when the flight attendant hits your knee with the beverage cart, you won't hear your own scream until well after you land.
Get over yourself, Rover
*A new study reveals that dogs really do look like their owners. This is bad news for Rosie O'Donnell's dog.
Does that mean that John Kerry has a basset hound?
The energizer candidate
*Bless his heart, Dennis Kucinich is still running for president. I don't want to say it's not going well, but at his last campaign rally, Kucinich was lonelier than a potato at an Atkins diet convention.
Impressive
*President Bush has reversed his position and will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify. Bush flipped his position so fast even John Kerry was impressed.
Oh, that?
*According to reviews of her concerts, Britney Spears performs impressive dance routines, she has dozens of elaborate costume changes, her sets are amazing; in fact Britney's concerts lack in only one minor technical detail: She can't sing.
Should have seen this coming
*A strike by two million Greek workers seriously threatens construction for the Athens Olympics. It's looking more and more like the Olympic flame lighting ceremony will be performed by a worker with a welding torch.
Why is this a shock? The Greeks started construction on the Parthenon in 447 B.C. and they still don't have a roof on the thing.
I don't know why this is a shock to everyone. The Greeks still haven't finished construction on the 1896 Olympic games.
How bad is it? If the Greeks want the athlete's housing finished for the Olympics, they will have to call in Jimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity.
That and a cigar
*At the 9-11 hearings, Clinton Defense Secretary William Cohen testified that Bill Clinton had three chances to kill bin Laden with cruse missiles but didn’t pull the trigger. In retrospect, all they had to do to get Clinton to pull the trigger was have an intern talk dirty to him.
Space tourist
*New Yorker Gregory Olsen will pay $26 million for a trip to the International Space Station to become the third space tourist. $26 million. But his grandson will get a "My Grandfather paid $26 million to go to space and all I got was this t-shirt" out of the deal.
If he is a space tourist that must mean the International Space Station has a gift shop. "Yeah, how much for that Mars snow globe?"
But there's no curse
*Chicago Cubs ace Mark Prior will miss the first month of the season due to a sore Achilles' tendon. The worst part is how Prior got hurt. He tripped over foul ball flubber Steve Bartman.
Consiga sobre se, persona Jose (Get over yourself, person Jose)
*In Mexico they are starting a gay soccer league. It's just like regular soccer except in Mexican gay soccer, it's a penalty if they don't use their hands.
It's like regular soccer except when, after they score, instead of their shirts, they yank off their pants.
These are guys who really know how to score with a header.
In gay soccer they don't hand out yellow cards, they hand out wheat-harvest cadmium-gold cards.
Now that is embarrassing
*Arizona police charged Richard Simmons with slapping a man who made fun of one of his exercise videos. How would you like to be remembered as the guy who got bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons? I would rather lose to Jessica Simpson in "Jeopardy."
How fast is it?
*NASA has developed the world’s fastest jet that goes 5000 mph, that’s over seven times the speed of sound. That means that when the flight attendant hits your knee with the beverage cart, you won't hear your own scream until well after you land.
Get over yourself, Rover
*A new study reveals that dogs really do look like their owners. This is bad news for Rosie O'Donnell's dog.
Does that mean that John Kerry has a basset hound?
The energizer candidate
*Bless his heart, Dennis Kucinich is still running for president. I don't want to say it's not going well, but at his last campaign rally, Kucinich was lonelier than a potato at an Atkins diet convention.
Impressive
*President Bush has reversed his position and will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify. Bush flipped his position so fast even John Kerry was impressed.
Oh, that?
*According to reviews of her concerts, Britney Spears performs impressive dance routines, she has dozens of elaborate costume changes, her sets are amazing; in fact Britney's concerts lack in only one minor technical detail: She can't sing.
Should have seen this coming
*A strike by two million Greek workers seriously threatens construction for the Athens Olympics. It's looking more and more like the Olympic flame lighting ceremony will be performed by a worker with a welding torch.
Why is this a shock? The Greeks started construction on the Parthenon in 447 B.C. and they still don't have a roof on the thing.
I don't know why this is a shock to everyone. The Greeks still haven't finished construction on the 1896 Olympic games.
How bad is it? If the Greeks want the athlete's housing finished for the Olympics, they will have to call in Jimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity.
That and a cigar
*At the 9-11 hearings, Clinton Defense Secretary William Cohen testified that Bill Clinton had three chances to kill bin Laden with cruse missiles but didn’t pull the trigger. In retrospect, all they had to do to get Clinton to pull the trigger was have an intern talk dirty to him.
Space tourist
*New Yorker Gregory Olsen will pay $26 million for a trip to the International Space Station to become the third space tourist. $26 million. But his grandson will get a "My Grandfather paid $26 million to go to space and all I got was this t-shirt" out of the deal.
If he is a space tourist that must mean the International Space Station has a gift shop. "Yeah, how much for that Mars snow globe?"
But there's no curse
*Chicago Cubs ace Mark Prior will miss the first month of the season due to a sore Achilles' tendon. The worst part is how Prior got hurt. He tripped over foul ball flubber Steve Bartman.
Consiga sobre se, persona Jose (Get over yourself, person Jose)
*In Mexico they are starting a gay soccer league. It's just like regular soccer except in Mexican gay soccer, it's a penalty if they don't use their hands.
It's like regular soccer except when, after they score, instead of their shirts, they yank off their pants.
These are guys who really know how to score with a header.
In gay soccer they don't hand out yellow cards, they hand out wheat-harvest cadmium-gold cards.
posted by Alex at
12:12 PM
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