Saturday, September 27, 2003

You got to bring it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dork mobiles
You know those Segway scooters? 6,000 are being recalled due to a software glitch that can throw riders off when the battery is low. It is serious, now when riding the Segway you could actually hurt something besides your dignity.

The glitch is serious, now when riding the Segway you could actually hurt something besides your chances to get a date.

Poor Gray Davis, first his election is recalled and now his scooter is recalled.

The good news for Segway owners is that, while the scooter is away being repaired, you temporarily get to have your pride back.

Stoned again
You know that Nigerian woman whose stoning death sentence was overturned? Turns out it was just transferred to their women’s soccer team goalie. The U.S. pounded Nigeria 5-0.

Mia Hamm scored two goals and had an assist in the US women’s soccer 5-0 inhalation of Nigeria. It wasn’t really fair, most of the Nigerian team members are Muslims and they cannot touch Hamm.

A story about nothing
The traveling secretary for the New York Yankees was arrested in Chicago after getting in a shoving match with a security guard. Upon hearing this, Jason Alexander who played George Costanza in “Seinfeld”announced the cast has a great idea for one more show.

Did you see the Arianna-Arnold snit fit at the debate? It was Boris and Natasha right out of “Rocky and Bullwinkle: “Arianna, darlink?” “Yes, Arnold baby?” “Sharrup you mouth.”

Shaken, not stirred
Japan had a horrible earthquake. It was so bad it actually shook some people into a theater showing J. Lo and Ben’s “Gigli.”

Since you asked;
One of the great, funny and classy acts in all of sports announced his retirement yesterday in, what was not surprising, a great, funny and classy way.

Mark Grace reminded me of Tom Wolfe’s description of first astronaut Alan Shepard in “The Right Stuff.” Shepard had two nicknames, depending on the situation. The first was Smilin’ Al. Smilin’ Al loved to have fun and joke around. Smilin’ Al was everybody’s pal. But when someone crossed him or messed up, out came the Ice Commander, a feared and respected stern leader. That was Mark Grace.

At one point during a game, Gracy could be scratching out a tick-tac-toe game in the dirt to play with his rival first baseman. The next moment Gracy could be chewing out a pitcher who didn’t hustle to cover a play, and that pitcher would look like a scolded first grader, nod and say, “Yes sir.”

There are so many funny lines attributed to Grace, but the one that seems to sum him up was when he was when he led the league in doubles one year, they asked how he did it. Gracy replied;

“I turned a lot of triples into doubles.’

Modest, funny, handsome and good. (There are so few of us.) Mark Grace loved and respected the game, but he also remembered it was a game. I’m not sure if I see next year’s crop.

If and when – and how I hope they do – the Cubs make the playoffs, they should pick Gracy up. Mark Grace in a Cubs uniform and Wrigley Field dressed up in bunting in the post season? It doesn’t get any better than that. OK, maybe a drunk naked hot-tubbing sessioon with Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra, but that's it.

In addition, now that Don Henley has become overly cranky and litigious, Mark Grace officially replaces the Eagle drummer as the guy I would most like to have a drink with, excuse my preposition. (David Letterman doesn't drink)