Thursday, June 07, 2018

It was not Sniffy-Day Per Se, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stormy Daniels is launching a perfume called Truth. The perfect gift for that woman in your life who wants to smell like the woman who had sex with Donald Trump.

Stormy Daniels is launching a perfume called Truth. Much better name than the name the test marketing group came up with: Trump’s Funk. 

A State Department spokeswoman, in a speech on Germany, mentioned the anniversary of D-Day. So I guess the message is US and German relations have been good once we got past that whole "One million of us killing each other" thing.

New England Patriot, Julian Edelman, has been suspended for four games for using performance enhancing drugs. Gosh, I sure hope this does not tarnish the Patriot's squeaky-clean reputation for sticking to the rules.

A Florida man was arrested for stealing zoo animals. When they went to arrest him, he tried to take it on the lamb.

Florida is the only state where they have to frisk the Zoo visitors for animals when they leave.

A Tennessee hardware store owner put a "No Gays Allowed" sign in his window. In a related story, a Tennessee hardware store owner now has to cut his own hair and arrange his own flowers.

The good news is a race horse named Bofa Deez Nutz won its race. The bad news is ten bettors were charged with sexual harassment when they told the teller to "Put it on Bofa Deez Nuts."

Donald Trump said he does not have to prepare for the North Korea meeting. Please tell me Trump is not going to accuse North Korea of bombing Pearl Harbor.

A pretty San Diego Padre fan, Gabby DiMarco, became a hit when she caught a foul ball in her beer and chugged it. But when she accidentally swallowed the ball, ten guys proposed on the spot.

The last munchkin in "The Wizard of Oz," Jerry Maren, passed at 98. The service is Saturday. Anyone who wants to tell a story about the deceased is asked to keep it short.

The Golden State Warriors are up 3-0 Against Cleveland and the Cavaliers' Tristan Thompson is having an awful series. In fact, the last decent shot Tristan had was the one that got Khloe Kardashian pregnant.

Since you asked:

Preview of Donald Trump driving the bus over and over Rudy Giuliani

The Bus Stops Here, Rudy The G

There is absolutely no revisionist history, Rudy Giuliani did an excellent job as the mayor of New York on September 11th, 2001. He provided the voice and face of leadership we needed right when we needed it. 

Not only did Rudy talk-the-talk, he walked-the-walk by attending almost all of the fireman and policeman’s funerals. He knew how important it was to their families to be able to say the mayor was at their funeral. There is simply no taking that away from him.

This was surprising to many inside New Yorkers who detested Giuliani as a tyrannical and cruel egomaniac who brutalized underlings and political opponents alike. 

But now, in light of Giuliani's sleazy handling of Donald Trump’s lies, we can question Rudy Giuliani's motives. As much as he did help people, we now know September 11th was all just shrewd posturing to further Giuliani’s career. 

At the time it did not seem possible that a politician could be so rabidly ambitious that they could leverage the death of three thousand people and see it as an opportunity to advance their career. 

But with his constant back-peddling, lying and double-talking for Trump, that is now obviously all Giuliani could ever do. Giuliani has no moral compass, he has only the radioactive glow from his political avarice to guide him.

What is great about seeing professional Trump ass-kissers, like Giuliani, Anthony Scaramucci, Paul Manafort, Steve Bannon, Chris Christie, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Mike Flynn, Hope Hicks and Stephen Miller, is knowing, as sure as the wind blows up Trump's combover, Trump will turn on them.

As Bannon, Christie, Hicks, Manafort, Flynn and Scaramucci have already found out, Trump will always eventually back them into an impossible situation and then throw them under the bus to save his white, fat, lumpy, lying ass. 

From everything I've read, anyone who has dealt with Giuliani knows he is one nasty piece of business away from the cameras.  When Trump does discard him, it is hard to imagine that pit bull going quietly into the night. 

But no matter how hard he fights back, Rudy Giuliani is going to get thrown under the Trump bus and Trump is going to back it up and roll it over him over and over again. 

In the world of Greek diner coffee cups filled with a "cawwfeee reeegulah" drenched in milk and filled with sugar where Mayor Rudy was the man who would be King, another hero has died. 

For about fifteen years after September 11th, 2001, we would have been sorry to see that bus roll over the hero of 9/11, Rudy Giuliani. 

Not any more.

Make no doubt about, Trump is going to serve Rudy. 

Wednesday, June 06, 2018

Bip, bap, boop, gonna get me some termaytee soup, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump said Canadians, not the British, burned the White House in 1812. We should ask someone who was there. Call Larry King.

In England, a baby's first word was Alexa. Its next words were, "Alexa, sign me up for therapy for life."

Learned math using my fingers #AgeYourselfIn3Words

First we let Canadians burn down our White House in the "War of 1812," next they'll replace our bacon with round pieces of thin, dry ham.

Sure, Canada burned down the White House in the "War of 1812," but don't forget they also gave us the Beatles.

Now, I don't want to say tonight's game 3 is a must-win for the Cleveland Cavaliers, but it is a must-win for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Huh. I guess I did want to say it.

Donald Trump's family fortune started with his grandfather's brothel. Trump was the one who decided to expand making money by screwing people with real estate.

The Philadelphia Eagles bailed on their ceremony, Melania has been missing for over 20 days and now Kellyanne Conway calls him the Commander in Cheese. Roughest time for Trump since his tanning salon ran out of his Burnt Sienna Sunset tanning spray.

French President, Emmanuel Macron, described his conversations with Donald Trump as like sausage. When asked to explain, Macron said, "The guy talks about sausage all the time. What is there to explain?"

JOE JACKSON ★ Is She Really Going Out with Him 【HD】

It is just me, or are these two melodies strikingly similar? Think about "Is she really going out with him?" and "We're running through the shadows of the night." Since Joe was first by a few years, we are going to point a finger at Pat. 

Shadows Of The Night - Pat Benatar - Lyrics

RED THINGY vs. GREEN THINGY w Sam Rockwell Galaxy Quest HARE CLIP

Tuesday, June 05, 2018

"Hey guys, uh, there's a red-thingy moving towards the green-thingy, and I think we're the green-thingy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers"

A Michigan State physicist was arrested for having sex with a basset hound. In his defense, he was drunk and he thought the dog was Roseanne.

A Michigan State physicist was arrested for having sex with a basset hound. When he found out the man had sex with a female basset, VP Mike Pence was ready to pardon him.

A Michigan State physicist was arrested for having sex with a basset hound. He could serve three months in jail, or 21 months in having-sex-with-a-dog-years.

Bill Clinton says he does not owe Monica Lewinski an apology. For a change, Bill blew Monica off.

A Michigan State physicist was arrested for having sex with a female basset. This kind of thing on his record could hound him forever.

The White House cancelled the Philadelphia Eagles visit to the White House. It was awkward, when told the Eagles weren't coming, Donald Trump said, "Big deal. They haven't had a hit since "Hotel California."

Since you asked:

The Philadelphia Eagles were down to 10 players showing at the White House, so Donald Trump cancelled lying it was due to protesting the anthem. 

Trump is a big "No, I broke up with you first" kind of guy.

The White House said it is canceling the Philadelphia Eagles because they kneel during the anthem. Not one Eagle player knelt the entire season.

It's official, Donald Trump is the high school rich kid who invited the cool jocks to his party, but they shined him on.

This is the ultimate insult for Donald Trump. Trump biggest wish to be accepted as a cool kid and as one of the jocks was his desire to own an NFL team. And he tried twice with the Buffalo Bills and Dallas Cowboys. 

But, like always, Trump tried to get in on the cheap and burned all of his NFL bridges.

Trump even tried to get in the back door by buying the New Jersey Generals and getting the USFL to switch from the no-competition Spring to the NFL’s Fall. That idiotic move on Trump’s part destroyed the league. 

To the NFL’s credit, they constantly told the double-talking, low-balling, publicity whore Trump to go pound sand. 

Trump is nothing if not predictable. He will do everything he can to get back at the Eagles and the city of Philadelphia for this embarrassing snub. 

Now for equal time.

The fact that Bill Clinton has absolutely no idea his legacy will never be anything more than a punchline to a blow-job joke gives an indication of how impossibly oversized and blinding his ego is.

Some sycophant of Bill Clinton's has to nut-up and tell this blowhard - excuse the pun - that we desperately want him to go to eff away.  For good. 

Monday, June 04, 2018

Paris Hilton. Doesn't the term scuzzy jizz-bucket just fly into your mind? 

'Taint issues are not for the feint of heart, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The anti-gay baker reminds me of the joke of two cupcakes in an oven. One cupcake says, "Man, it is hot in here." The other cupcake says, "Holy crap, a talking cupcake."

"Family Feud" hosted by Steve Harvey features the Wests versus the Kardashians. It is closed captioned for the idiot impaired.

The head of Starbucks, Howard Schultz, is stepping down. He wants to spend more time misspelling his family's names.

"Howard Schultz" is stepping down as the head of Starbucks. Starbucks is giving him a gold watch with "Howerd Sholse" inscribed on it.

Although they have a curd, grate cheese jokes are a muenster to make and are not gouda be a bries to whey in and make room to feta in here.   #NationalCheeseDay

In a Denver bar, an FBI agent shot a patron - who is going to be OK- when he did a flip and his gun fell out and fired. The dance move is now officially called a Full Giuliani.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Tom Arnold confirmed his ex, Roseanne Barr, is a racist. That story again, Roseanne is not paying Tom Arnold any more spousal support.

"Leave the gun, take the guacamole."  #ThingsNotSaidInTheGodfather

In game two, LeBron James's poked left eye was so nasty looking it actually took people's mind off of his suit shorts.

Since you asked:

“Steph Curry set an NBA Finals game record with nine three-pointers in Golden State’s 122-103 win over Cleveland in Game 2.”

That line is an object lesson in how statistics cannot tell the story. Curry's shots were so electrifying and crazy, the crowd lost its ever-loving mind.

When you see LeBron’s petulant behavior and sulking, especially during the break before overtime in Game 1 after JR Smith’s brain-fart, you know Cleveland is toast. LeBron does not possess enough leadership to overcome a more talented Golden State team.

Nobody is better than LeBron James. But Cleveland does not have anyone else better than the four stars on the Warriors, Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Kevin Durant and Draymond Green. Maybe Kevin Love, but that’s it. Tristan Thompson should stick to dating Kardashians. 

Due to his endless crotch-slamming and his default “You called a foul on me?” expression, I was not a Draymond Green fan. But his scrappy play, tough defense, rebounding and passing have made me convert. 

Rest in Peace, Dwight Clark. Class act. That 1982 "The Catch" team really epitomized the blending of a town and the team. Montana, Rice, Clark, Roger Craig and especially coach Bill Walsh. They just looked like they fit in with the cool, foggy San Francisco, the nice wines, and fish and steak houses. 

The 1982 Forty Niners look like Stanford students with Bill Walsh as their professor. They look like they're on a winery tour and Bill Walsh is showing them how the tannins appear on the side of the glass. 

The 1975 Steelers were the same fit with Pittsburgh as were the 1983 Chargers with Dan Fouts in San Diego and the 1967 Green Bay Packers with Bart Starr. 

The 1985 Bears were just the right combination of Chicago blue collar tough  guys with yellow power tie yuppies. Perfect example, Gary Fencik. 

Unfortunately, with way higher salaries and soaring egos, the fans and NFL players have never been further apart emotionally or socially. There is not one team that resembles its city. New England? Please. Tom Brady is a super model's super model. Rob Gronkowski is a little closer, but he is still Hollywood.

No, players now are all Tesla, Lamborghini, Nike and Rebook. No personality. 

The days of fans drinking with the Oakland Raiders in waterfront Oakland dive bar have gone forever. 

So we mourn more than just the classy and handsome Dwight Clark. We mourn the end of a team, city and their players fitting like a hand in glove. 

Bill Clinton infuriated me with his classless egomaniacal horniness with a chubby intern staining the image of the Oval Office forever.

But compared to Trump, Clinton was the Jackie Kennedy of White House class. This tiny-fisted corn-silk-haired oaf has degraded the image of the presidency to a point it will never get 100% clean again.