Saturday, May 05, 2018

Mind that purgatory they call a gym. No drive twelve-foot in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Justify is the favorite in the Kentucky Derby. He is 16 hands high. 19 hands high if you measure with Donald Trump's hands.

A Kansas man was arrested for trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. If getting arrested wasn't bad enough, he also flunked his driving test.

Feeling pretty good about my Kentucky Derby Trifecta: Covfefe to win, Nambia to place and Stormy 69 to show.

Roseanne Barr is in a nasty Twitter war with Stormy Daniels. Man, I sure hope for Stormy's sake Roseanne is wearing a condom.

The Kentucky Derby is the fastest two minutes in sports. The second fastest two minutes in sports? How long until the Florida Marlins are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs after the Fourth of July.

The Kentucky Derby is the fastest two minutes in sports. “You wanna bet?” Said Tiger Woods’s Hooters waitress. 

“Happy Cinco De Mayo. Today we remember when the USS Mayonnaise was sunk in the Sea of Mexico."

Betsy DeVos Probably.

Roseanne Barr is in a Twitter war with Stormy Daniels. One is an immoral, bad actress shamelessly trying to leech publicity off Donald Trump and the other is Stormy Daniels.

Gronkowski, the horse part-owned and named after Patriot Rob Gronkowski, has scratched from the Kentucky Derby. There is no truth to the rumor the horse is suffering from deflated balls.

Since you asked:

While it is grudgingly acknowledged by even the many he abused, Rudy Giuliani did a great job after September 11th.

And still it is widely known Rudy Giuliani is a grasping, rude, ruthless opportunist who treats underlings like utter crap. So glad his legacy will now and forever be kissing Donald Trump's lumpy ass.

Rudy Giuliani's lisp reminds me of a guy who is stuffing handfuls of Goldfish crackers in his mouth while swilling scotch. It is his only redeeming feature.

Here is my only Rudy Giuliani story and it is the only story you need to know about Rudy Giuliani.

A friend of a friend’s son is a great kid and was working a bunch of odd jobs while going to college. He was the valet at a parking lot of a fancy New Jersey golf club gala. He had also pulled a thigh muscle playing basketball.

Out comes a grumpy looking Rudy Giuliani who hands the kid his parking ticket without a word. While excited to see the famous mayor of September 11th, the kid was limping badly to get Rudy’s car, so Rudy vehemently chastised him for not moving fast enough. 

Then the nice young man politely explained,

“Sorry, Mr. Giuliani, but I hurt my leg playing basketball.”  

Rudy took considerable umbrage at that affront and lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Rudy up and done lost his over-loving mind is what Rudy did;

“Goddamn it, how dare you speak to me? You’re an effing car parker. Do you know who I am, asshole? (Yes, he invoked the famous “DYKWIA?”)  “Don’t give me any crap, you move and get my car, do you hear me?” 

And no, Rudy did not give him a tip. 

It is not surprising he and Donald Trump are kindred spirits.

Roseanne Barr is so disgusting, I would not do Roseanne Barr with Roseanne Barr's dick.  

It is worth noting that these wildly divergent people are lining up to align with Trump. Kanye, Giuliani, Barr. Gary Busey. Caitlyn Jenner.

What do they have in common? They are all world class assholes.

That being said, it is also so disappointing to see my alleged kind-hearted, empathetic liberal friends genuinely upset when something good happens under Trump. 

The tax cut has resulted in bonuses for American workers and some, not all, but some of my liberal friends are not happy about that.

That is wildly disappointing. 

A comedian announces he is moving his podcast from a storage facility to a broom closet. Claims it is an upgrade and will make his podcasts more streamlined and flexible. 

Let me tell why I do not believe in conspiracy theories. 

If arguably the most evil, sinister and paranoid White House staff in history under Richard Nixon, with the backing of the CIA, FBI and DOJ, could not pull off a cover-up of a cheesy office break in at the Watergate, then nobody else can pull of a conspiracy. 

Reading “Clapton” my theory of Charles Manson being intimately involved in the LA rock and roll scene in the late Sixties took a kick to the groin. 

Clapton mentions going to Stephen Stills’s house in Topanga Canyon and getting arrested for pot with Terry Melcher, a devotee of Manson, the son of Doris Day and a producer of the Beach Boys. 

But Clapton does not mention any connection with Manson, and Clapton is honest in this book to a fault.

Friday, May 04, 2018

New Order - True Faith (1987) [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]

Cutest character on TV. Heather from "A.P. Bio." She is like a puppy with glasses. (Allisyn Ashley Arm) 

Lo Siento seems to be the hardest palabra, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

A Kansas man was arrested after trying to have sex with the tail pipe of a car. The Catholic church is calling this a sin of emission.

Nobody was hurt, but Hawaii's Kilauea volcano erupted. After it erupted, the volcano went on to threaten to write jokes about Michelle Wolf by Wednesday.

A Kansas man was arrested for trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. "Hold my beer," said a Florida man eyeing a Rascal Scooter.

To everyone celebrating "Star Wars" day on May the 4th be with you, have a great day and may the force be with ending your virginity.

A New Jersey school superintendent was arrested for pooping on a high school track. The man said, in retrospect, it was not a good idea to seek career advice from TJ Miller.

Tuesday, May 01, 2018

Today is National Honesty Day. Nope, sorry, I'm lying, it was yesterday.

Just cranked up my time machine to look at the joke Dennis Miller threatened to write about Michelle Wolf on Wednesday, and it is good, folks. Ready?

"That's what she said."

1988 Dennis Miller on 2018 Dennis Miller:

"Listen, Cha-Cha, threatening to extrapolate bon-mot banalities at Michelle Wolf just to pander to tongue-douching Trump's tushy portending offended political existential angst is so transparently Machiavellian it’s moribund, n'est pas? Screw it. Who wants pie?"

A Missouri woman arrested for heroin was found with a pistol in her vagina. In this scenario, the gun is the second scariest part of the story.

In a related story, there is a new country song called "Packing Heat in the Who-Ha."

A 20-year-old Colorado man has been bitten by a rattlesnake, a bear and a shark. My advice to him is to avoid the Westminster Dog Show at all costs.

Since you asked:

Was Dennis Miller's lone defender in his national embarrassing stint on "Monday Night Football" when he had one good joke about no such thing as minor groin surgery. After that, Miller was like listening to an old man's nose whistle while he ate a sandwich.

A wise man told me a comedian turns into a humorist, then a pundit, then a satirist then into unemployment.