Saturday, March 24, 2018

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores
On Seventh Avenue
I do declare
There were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there, le le le le le le le

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

If you'll be my Dixie Chicken, I'll be your Tennessee Lamb, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This is the fourth Nor’easter to hit in three weeks. Al Roker is blaming Ben Carson’s wife. 

Former “Sex And the City” star, Cynthia Nixon, announced she is running for Gov. of New York. That’s nice, but I am going to wait and see if Megan Mullally from “Will and Grace,” runs. 

Former “Sex And the City,” Cynthia Nixon, announced she is running for Gov. of New York. Now all we can do is wait and see if Anthony Weiner throws his tighty-whities into the ring.

Former Nixon counsel, John Dean, described Donald Trump as Richard Nixon on steroids and stilts. To which Trump replied, “Did you hear that? He said I was tall and buffed.” 

It is the one-year anniversary of when an online poll to name a $300 mil. British research ship came up with Boaty McBoatface. They did not go with that name, but they did name their dingy Deez Nutz.

In track, a 102-year-old woman, Julia "Hurricane" Hawkins, broke a world record for the 60 meters. The bad news is, afterwards, she tested positive for Geritol.

Since you asked:

Donald Trump's, uh, bullet-proofness, for lack of a better term, reminds me of a guy I know from the brokerage business named Warren. (Not the drinking part, the resiliency) 

Here are the last stories I have heard about Warren roughly in order:

“Did you hear about Warren? He’s losing his company.”

“Did you hear about Warren? His wife caught him cheating and is divorcing him.”

“Did you hear about Warren? He got his second DUI.”

“Did you hear about Warren, he totaled his car and abandoned it at 3:00 AM.”  

“Did you hear about Warren? His girlfriend caught him cheating and threw his clothes on the lawn and turned the sprinklers on.”

“Did you hear about Warren? He’s been 86’d from every bar in town.”

"Did you hear about Warren? His old partner is suing him." 

“Did you hear about Warren? He threw up into the potted plant in the middle of Scorvaccio’s restaurant.”

“Hey, did I tell you I saw Warren? He was playing golf at La Jolla Country Club with Phil Mickelson.” 

"Did you hear about Warren? His cousin lent him $5 million to start a new company.," 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

At this point in time at this juncture, it is what it is at the end of the day, so I would like to introduce a new feature to a.L.B.b. we like to call:

“That Story Again”

Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa, is seeking a divorce. That story again: Donald Trump Jr. also had sex with Hope Hicks.

Caitlyn Jenner revealed she had a skin cancer procedure done to the tip of her nose. That story again: Caitlyn has her second most radical procedure done to something with a tip.

Vladimir Putin wins the Russian election by 75%. That story again: 25% of Russians do not care if they get poisoned.

Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.”
That story again: Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with Dennis Rodman. 

A California man was arrested after he bragged about a drug deal on Facebook. That story again: somebody was so stupid they were named an honorary Kardashian.  

For the first time in NCAA history, a #1 team, Arizona, lost to a #16 team, UMBC. That story again: The Wildcats have the worst performance by something called Arizona that was not docked in Pearl Harbor.  

Golfer, Rory McIlroy, suggested tournaments cut down on alcohol sales to reduce crowd noise. You know things are bad when a guy named McIlroy wants less booze served on St. Patrick's Day. 

Monday, March 19, 2018

Knock it down wish da hedge of my hang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hope you had a great St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t get the term “Luck of the Irish.” Between the bubonic plague, the viking attacks and potato famine, as phrases go “Luck of the Irish” is about as accurate as “The brains of a Kardashian.” 

Donald Trump Jr. is getting a divorce from his wife, Vanessa. The couple is citing irreconcilable covfefes.

In Russia, 3 tons of gold fell from the sky on to the runway when a cargo plane hatch malfunctioned. The entire country of Russia is like when, in college, the drunk fraternity guys tried to take-over the town bowling alley. It’s all fun and games until a naked guy gets his junk caught in the pinsetter.

#1 Gonzaga barely survived a first round upset by 13th ranked UNC Greensboro. When I told a friend Gonzaga almost ruined my brackets, she said to take Imodium.

A family claims United Airlines stuffed their dog in an overhead bin and the dog did not make it. Spirit Airlines would have charged them a Pet Euthanasia fee. 

Donald Trump is in San Diego touring the border wall prototypes. But I am not sure how good the wall prototypes are. The only thing they’ve kept out of San Diego are the Chargers.