Friday, May 19, 2017

The Guess Who ~ Share The Land (1970) lyrics

Sure, maybe this a little '70's hippy corny, but I love it. Underrated band, underrated song. 

Come and get your hot takes of species-elevating incites, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

United bought the naming rights for the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. In a related story, Spirit Airlines bought the naming rights to minor league field of the Newark Nut Jobs.

Donald Trump told the Russian diplomats he fired “Nut Job” James Comey. And for an extra $50, Russian hookers will give you a “Nut Job.” 

After Anthony Weiner plead guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl, his wife, Huma Abadin, has filed for divorce. She is citing irreconcilable dic-pics.

Donald Trump called the Russian investigation a witch hunt. Um. Donald Trump does know that witches were not real, right?

Steve Harvey’s ex-wife wants $60 mil. for what she calls her soul murder. See? This is why Steve has to send memos so people won’t talk to him.

Tom Brady will endorse an Austin Martin car that costs $212,000. Today the executives at Austin Martin had to undergo the concussion protocol. 

Anthony Weiner pled guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl and he cried in court. Think he’s crying now? Wait until he finds out how prisoners treat pedophiles named Weiner. 

Anthony Weiner plead guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl. If there’s justice, Weiner will be put in the same cell as the other pedophile, Jared from Subway. They can fight over who gets to be the sandwich or the wiener. 

Campbell Soup’s profits are down. Their quarterly earnings were not mmm, mmm, good. 

Since you asked:

Call me an underachiever, but if I have coffee in the kitchen, gas in my car, dog food in the bin, cash in my wallet, money in my checking account, wine in the pantry, something to grill in the fridge, running shoes, clean drawers, fully-working, A, B, Bb, C and D harmonicas, I feel pretty good. 

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Chris Cornell - Thank You (Cover Led Zeppelin) Unplugged In Sweden

United Airlines bought the naming rights for USC’s home, the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. USC will change its fight song from “Fight On” to “Drag On.”

(Assist Janice Hough) 

Chris Cornell "Nothing Compares 2 U" Prince Cover Live @ SiriusXM // Lit...

Here is my Wally Dawg. Note the long eyelashes and the "Yes, can I help you?" look.

Otis and the Stanky Leg want to announce their presence with authority, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Australia, the cat, Omar, is going for the record of World’s longest cat at four feet. That cat is so long, it would take Trump both hands to grab that pussy.

The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. However the stress level of the Cincinnati airport cleaning crew has gone way up. 

The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. This was way better than the Feeding Hungry Ferrets idea. 

Last month, Kenny-G played saxophone on a Delta flight. That’s great. But I won’t be impressed until a sax player can pull a Jimi Hendrix and play behind his back.

It is being reported “Fox News’” Kimberly Guilfoyle will replace Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary. They just have to wait to see whether “Saturday Night Live” will use Cicely Strong or Melissa Villasenor to player her. 

Sadly, Amy Schumer has broken up with her boyfriend. Turns out Amy just stole the idea of breaking up from Chelsea Handler.

On “CBS This Morning” Tom Brady’s wife, Giselle, said Tom has had concussions all the time. Asked to comment, Brady said, “I like waffles.” 

A White House official said Tuesday was the worst day so far. So since they had a day where Trump had to fire the FBI head to keep him from investigating the video of Russian prostitutes peeing on him, I am guessing Tuesday was a gang rape by escaped Turkish prisoners? 

Roger Ailes, the “Fox News” head forced to resign due to countless sexual harassment charges, died at 77. We’re not sure of the Viagra overdose rumors, but they are having a hard time closing the coffin lid.

(Sorry if, once again, I did not have any species-elevating incites today. Hope my takes are hot enough) 

Since you asked:

Rest in Peace Soulful Knight

In what now seems like a long time ago, I was standing in a side wing of the Hard Rock Casino lobby in Las Vegas looking at a display/shrine to Soundgarden. With slot machines dinging in the near distance, inside the case they had a poster promoting a concert and they may have had one of Chris Cornell’s shirts, I don’t remember. 

Do remember looking at Cornell with his wavy long brown hair, steely blue-green eyes and handsome, lean medieval knight penetrating stare and thinking something like, well, it just does not get any cooler than that. How great would it be to be this guy?

If you ever needed proof, here is the perfect example: you just do not know what private wars people are fighting. 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

A former San Diego Charger security guard - caught masturbating near the cheerleaders - sentenced to four years probation. He was also given the lesser-charge of impersonating Dean Spanos.

The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. However the stress level of the Cincinnati airport cleaning crew has gone way up. 

On a personal note, I would like to thank the press for asking for quotes. At this time, I would just like to say the rumors of my involvement with Taylor Swift are not true. Mostly.

Speaking to the Coast Guard, Donald Trump said,  

"No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.”

 “Wow, that is interesting," said the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Callista Gingrich will be the ambassador to the Vatican. She'll have to give up her current job: ambassador to crazy vampire owl people

“The Washington Post” reports Donald Trump provided classified information to Russian diplomats. It could be worse. No. Actually, that’s almost as bad as it gets.

In Florida, a group of parents were upset to see a video of their children twerking and lap-dancing in class. How could they forget to teach the kids pole dancing?

Conrad Hilton was in jail for stealing a car, Donald Trump gave classified information to Russians and it is coming up on the 130th anniversary of Doc Holliday’s death. The worst week in history for people with their names on hotels.

Melania Trump announced they will include the White House movie theater on the tours. Playing right now is the Russian classic, “Dude, Where’s My Czar?” 

Sen. Mitch McConnell would like less drama from Trump. You’ve heard the expression “He has to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral”? Donald Trump has to be the rectum at every colonoscopy.

Since you asked:

Tuesday was - in the words of a senior White House official - the worst day of Donald Trump’s presidency. And that is a president who had a day he had to fire the head of the FBI to keep him from investigating a video of Trump getting peed on by Russian prostitutes. 

Tuesday had to be one hell of a day. 

Monday, May 15, 2017

The bad Fallkuuune rides again for the only living boy in New York, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity discovered the only living thing on Mars: Antonio Cromartie’s sperm.

NFL-star Antonio Cromartie’s wife is pregnant with his 14th child despite a vasectomy. Cromartie’s sperm could not be thrown off of a United flight.

Hillary Clinton has launched a new political group called “Onward Together,” that will stress inclusiveness. Well, except for Wisconsin and Michigan.

“60 Minutes” did a segment on Osama bin Laden’s son, Hamza bin Laden. Hamza is more dangerous than his brothers, Tito and Jermaine bin Laden.

“King Arthur: Legend of the Sword,” bombed at the box office. It was so bad they’re changing the name to “King Arthur: Legend of the Lightsaber.” 

The New York Yankees retired Derek Jeter’s #2. In a related story, the Yankees also framed the results of Alex Rodriguez’s second positive steroid test.

“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity has even taken pictures of the Mars’ billion-year-old formation: Mount Larry King.

At Yankee Stadium they unveiled Derek Jeter’s plaque, but I am not sure about it.

Donald Trump is planning a massive shakeup of his staff. When someone told him who the biggest problem was, Trump said, “OK, so let’s fire this Potus clown.” 

Turns out the story of a Chicago woman irate over her haircut who ran over her hairdresser was fake news. But I believed it. Hell hath no fury like a woman shorn.

A high-school cheerleader in El Paso was arrested for submitting a false police report after she confessed she made up her home had been burglarized so she could keep her uniform. Her attorney used the vaunted, “Kick ‘em back, kick ‘em back, way back,” defense. 

Kellyanne Conway made $39 million on a polling company she started at 28. Or as “MSNBC” reported: “Kellyanne Conway worked on the pole at 28.” 

Since you asked:

Thanks for all the requests from the press for quotes. Just going to say I do not believe all the rumors I am being cast over Charlie Hunnam for the next James Bond. 

Big win for us Friday and we looked good in the press today. Well, except for that picture of me in the “New York Post” that makes me look like Quasimodo in a hot dog eating contest. 

No lie, that picture makes me look 58, fat and weather-damaged. Oh. Right. I am. But a muscular 58, fat and weather-damaged.