Friday, April 28, 2017

Hugo’s rockin’ in the free world, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you see J-Lo’s dress at the Latin Music Awards? Neither could she.

New York Mets pitcher, Noah Syndergaard, left the Nationals game with an injury. And no, it was not split-ends.

United and Dr. Dao have reached an amicable agreement. United will even feature Dr. Dao in their new ad campaign: “United. We’re Not Such A Drag Anymore.” 

United drags overbooked passengers off, American hit a mother. What the hell is Spirit Airlines doing to rank last in customer service? 

Ann Coulter said she will pull out of her speech at Berkeley. Marking the first time the phrase “pull out” has ever had to have been used on Ann Coulter.

Happy 47th birthday to Melania Trump. Or as Donald Trump calls it: “Happy 30th. Plus the other 17, I guess.”

A Facebook trend is listing nine bands you’ve seen and one you have not and making friends guess. If Facebook got any more annoying it would have to drag us from a plane.

"My heart soars like a hawk."

"My wife is Crow. The Crow people are strange to me. They say Crow women like to have sex with horses. When I asked my wife about this, she said she did not have sex with horses. That is why I call her Woman Who Does Not Like Horses."

- Old Lodge Skins. "Little Big Man." 

I’ll admit, the woman pulling up in the left turn lane in the Mercedes coup was attractive in a Kendall Jenner-wannabe way. But she was committing two pet peeves: A, she had her left foot on the dashboard as she drove - might as well have a sign “Lazy Beyatch On Board.” And, B,  she was texting like crazy.

Now the game in my head is not how much she is going to miss the light when it turns green due to her avid texting, but by how much? There are three cars in back of her now. 

Much to my surprise, when the light turned green her head popped up like a prairie dog. Wow. I thought. She is good at this. She will drive right off as it changes. 


She saw that the light had changed and went back to finishing her text. She knew she was making three cars wait. She. Did. Not. Care.

When somebody in back honked, she flipped them off and then and only then put her phone down and took off. She was the only one who made the light. The other three cars had to wait another light change. 

Not sure why, but it immediately occurred to me this selfish little witch is exactly who voted for Donald Trump. She is not uneducated. She clearly is not poor. She is not a crazy gun fanatic. She probably isn’t even a republican. She is just a selfish, lazy little entitled brat who heard Trump could do stuff for her. So she voted for him. She did not care a snit about the pussy grabbing or the lies. 

Let’s not forget to put a good deal of the blame for recent airline unpleasantness in the lap of idiots flying who don’t know how to behave. The recent Delta fight was between two pieces of crap. Dr. Dao was told not to re-board the plane. The woman on American was told not to bring her stroller on the plane. 

Believe me, I am not making excuses for the airlines. Once flew on a Spirit Airlines flight with an older, bitter flight attendant who was openly angry and hostile to all of the passengers, especially me. She was just itching for an excuse to throw me off the flight, but I would not give it to her.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

ESPN had wide-spread firings but not, Brett McHenry, the reporter caught lambasting a parking lot cashier on video. It seems ESPN stands for Especially Snotty People Needed.

A story has emerged of large, black African antelopes being artificially reproduced in a lab. But it turns out this is just fake gnus.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

"Seven Bridges Road"...By The Eagles

I've told this story before.

My Dad and I shared a deep love of music. We also agreed to disagree on what kind of music we liked. He leaned towards Sinatra and I was big on the Eagles and Stones and Led Zeppelin. Thus we started a friendly game of "Your music sucks." "No, your music sucks." Even though we actually shared a love of many songs, ala Simon and Garfunkle, Judy Collins, Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass, etc.

One summer afternoon when I was home in Winnetka, Illinois from Santa Barbara, I played the Eagles "Seven Bridges Road" on our stereo.

Now, as a backdrop, my dad was an absolute great harmony singer. He had an amazing tenor voice and sang in the church choir and was demanded to sing at all cocktail parties. So he loved barbershop quartets. ("Lida Rose" on "The Music Man" was one of his favorites and he could sing along with it flawlessly) 

My Dad was walking past the living room when the harmonies hit on "Seven Bridges Road" and he stopped dead in his tracks;

"Who is this?"

Like a pitcher who knew a batter had no chance to catch up to his fastball, I casually wound up and delivered;

"It's the Eagles." 

My Dad was a guy who was not easily impressed, but as he stood there listening, he was stunned.

"No it isn't." 

"Yes it is." 

Without saying another word, we just listened to the song and then, when it was over, he just walked away. 

A few years later, my Dad passed away. When they came to pick up his company car, I went to clean it out. In the glove compartment were cassettes. Among them, besides Frank Sinatra? "Eagles Live" - with "Seven Bridges Road" - and "Eagles Greatest Hits" and "Hotel California." 

Now I live a few miles from the actual Seven Bridges Road in San Diego. My Dad would have liked to know that.

Have a great Easter. And give your parents a smooch if you can.

Have you seen the viral video of the dachshund going crazy in the Chile earthquake? That is the craziest Weiner since Anthony.

Nordstrom is selling jeans for $425 with fake mud on them. And they'll throw in a cap that says, "I'm A Douchebag.”

Mel B  is accusing her ex, Steve Belafonte, of making porn. In a related story, the Spice Girls have changed Mel B’s name from Scary Spice to Absolutely Terrifying Spice. 

Kenny-G gave a saxophone performance on a Delta flight. Fortunately, Kendall Jenner was there to offer him a Pepsi if he stopped.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Here we see Tomi lovingly describing her warm butt pillow. That or she is showing the technique she used to get on television

This is a what to the what to the what to the oh hell no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kim and Khloe Kardashian are furious at Caitlyn Jenner for being publicity hungry. That’s like a hyaena being mad at a jackal for bad table manners. 

A “Vanity Fair” article claims Melania Trump is frosty with Ivanka. Not exactly a shock since Melania looks like she could smuggle ice cream sandwiches in her panties. 

Since you asked:

Conservative firebrand, Tomi Lahren, was fired from “The Blaze” because she was a diva nightmare. “Oh, I can’t believe that sweet girl could be difficult,” said nobody who has ever heard her.

Again, conservative firebrand, Tomi Lahren, was fired from “The Blaze” because she was a nightmare diva. Not for politics. 

Some called her a pit bull in poodle’s clothing. Others called her a raptor in a blonde pit bull’s clothing. She insulted makeup artists and demanded producers warm her butt pillow in the microwave for her.

In fact, if Tomi was anymore like Bill O’Reilly, she would have to sexually harass herself. 

Tomi Lahren is the most almosts of anyone on TV. She is almost hot. She is almost informed. She is almost smart. She is almost angry. She is almost entertaining. She is almost not a midget. 

Unfortunately, all those almosts only add up to a great big not quite.  You think one would be hard-pressed to come up with a more annoying symbol of talentless white privilege than Kendall Jenner or the Kardashians, but Tomi Lahren would be up there. 

Tomi once described "Black Lives Matter" unfavorably to the KKK. 

This country has got to be able to do way better for conservative commentators than Bill “#@&! it. We’ll do it live” O’Reilly and Tomi “Warm my butt pillow” Lahren. 

What happened to the high quality of conservative commentators like George Will? The late William F. Buckley? 

Why do I despise Ted Nugent so much? Could not give a fig about his politics. Forget the facts that he loves slaughtering helpless animals and has openly abused band members physically, mentally and financially. 

Ted Nugent has been repeatedly accused of having sex with prepubescent girls. He even wrote a song about raping a 13-year-old girl called “Jailbait.” He adopted a 17-year-old girl so he could legally have sex with her without her parent’s permission. 

This ass-basket Nugent is Roman Polanski with a guitar. Nugent is righteous trash. 

That and the biggest douchebag in our high school was a huge Ted Nugent fan. 

Now to bash democrats. 

One thing that seems to be forgotten in the Hillary in-fighting mess that is described in “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign” is the reason why Hillary insisted on having a private email. The only reason somebody installs a private email - despite repeated warnings not to - is so they can lie, cheat and steal without being accountable. 

It is not clear, however, if what Hillary did by maintaining a private email was illegal at the time. It is clear it was sleazy. It would have gotten everyone else in the world fired. 

Donald Trump is a world-class leaking ass-gasket and a national embarrassment. But maybe through his laziness, vanity and string of blind luck - and a lot of help -  he will be able to Mister Magoo his way around. 

Never in my life - especially as a former democrat - would I ever imagine that democrats and republicans would combine to make me so damn proud to be undeclared.

Hillary and Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have all been living under the theory it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission. It caught up to Hillary with a vengeance. One has to think it will catch up to Trump.