Friday, January 06, 2017

The world’s soccer head, FIFA, announced they are expanding the World Cup from 32 teams to 48. Why? Two words: More bribes.

65 women have filed sexual assault or police charges against former USA gymnast doctor Larry Nassar. Those are Cosby-esque numbers. 

In the title game, Clemson defeated Alabama 35-31 in the last second. There was one second left. Even Ronda Rousey could not have lost in one second. 

The good news is 17 people have been arrested for the Paris jewel robbery of Kim Kardashian. The bad news is it looks like Rob Kardashian and Chyna Blac have some explaining to do.

How about that jacked ref during the college title game? Mike Defee made Ed Hochuli look like Justin Bieber. 

The Pope Francis gave his blessing to women who have to breastfeed in public. It keeps their minds off of the priests who are molesting their other children. 

Navy Dolphins are being trained to find endangered porpoises. They are the increasingly rare Payphone Porpoises.   

Donald Trump tweeted that Meryl Streep is overrated. And he tweeted to Robert DeNiro, “Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?” 

In Green Bay’s 38-13 win over New York, Giants receiver, Odell Beckham Jr. dropped two passes including a touchdown. Beckham then punched a hole in the locker room wall. It’s a tough night when Odell can’t even hang on to the damage deposit.

At the Golden Globes, Meryl Streep criticized Donald Trump and Trump then tweeted Streep was over-rated. And Streep is the most overrated actor with 19 Academy Award nominations. 

US Intelligence believes Vladimir Putin had the US election hacked in retaliation for the US’s participation in the Russian Olympic doping scandal. When it came to catching drug cheaters, Putin feels the US cast too wide a Nyet. 

Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech as First Lady. “Moving,” said one observer. “Inspiring,” said another. “Slow down, I can’t write that fast,” said Melania Trump.

A video has a trash-talking Dallas Cowboy fan getting knocked out by a New York Giant fan, and the Cowboy fan staggers up and loses his shorts. The good news for the Cowboy fan is that, he took the punch so well, he has been signed by the Cleveland Browns. 

Thursday, January 05, 2017

The State Department has declared the son of Osama Bin Laden a global terrorist. His name is Kim Jong Un Bin Laden.

In Arizona, a naked woman stole a sheriff’s vehicle and has led police on a wild chase. Time to step up your game, Florida. 

During the NFL game, the announcer said, “In fourth down territory, you need to bring your heavy package and pound it in the A-hole.” And we wonder why the NFL has a history of sexual assault? 

Four people in Texas shot after a fight on Facebook escalated. See, I would have gone with a frowny face emoji, but that’s me. 

They made a speaker that is designed to fit in a pregnant woman’s vagina so the baby can hear music. Not too loud or the butthole living next door will complain. 

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Macy’s will close 68 stores. Good thing they did not have to close 69 stores, or then they’d really be eating it.

On “The Today Show” Matt Lauer revealed he was wearing a choker. And no, it was not a San Diego Chargers’ uniform. 

The next segment was, "Where in the world is Matt Lauer's masculinity?" 

After Charles Manson fell ill, it is reported he has incurred over 100 rules violations since 1971. Sometimes the bad ones are the last one you’d suspect. 

After her 48-second MMA win, Amanda Nunes said Ronda Rousey was overrated. As a result, Donald Trump has named Nunes to his cabinet as Secretary of Good Winners.

Navy dolphins are being trained to locate a species of endangered porpoises. The endangered porpoises are called the Flip Phone porpoise.

Today is National Pasta Day. Surprisingly many people are against this. They’re anti-pasta.

Charlie Manson is seriously ill and had to be moved from prison to a hospital. Just three days and already 2017 is doing better than 2016.

Following her 48-second MMA loss, Ronda Rousey is on a 45-day medical suspension. Asked to comment, Ronda said, “Do you see all the pretty birdies too?” 

Two time Olympic Decathlon gold medal winner, Ashton Eaton, and his Canadian champion Heptathlete wife, Brianne-Theisen Eaton, are retiring to have a family. How would you like to be a soccer parent on the team with their kid? 

“Coach, could you get a new ball? The Eaton kid just popped another one.”

Are you thinking the three words I am thinking? Caitlyn Jenner Comeback.

A study claims New York could get by with 78% fewer Taxi Cabs. The Cab drivers had no response to the study other than to raise their middle finger.

This study was conducted by people who have never tried to catch a New York cab in the rain. 

This study was conducted by a group of people known as "Not African Americans."

Chicago Style Deep-Dish Since You Asked:

Senator Charles Percy from Illinois was a living example of why politics in Washington has always sucked.

A self-made, smart, dynamic, likable, motivated man who was president of Bell and Howell at age 30 and turned that company from a small camera company into a financial juggernaut, Percy retired filthy rich to run for Senate when he was 48. But to get elected he had to run as a republican even though he was mostly democrat in philosophy. 

That put him in the crosshairs of the then most vindictive and spiteful politicians in history, Richard Nixon. Because republicans thought Percy was too liberal and democrats did not like him because he was a republican, and because Nixon hated him as a Kennedy-like threat hiding in his own party, the most qualified person in Washington to be president, Charles Percy, never stood a chance.

It is also unknown how much the shadow of his daughter’s 1966 murder prevented him from running for president. Although I cannot see why voters would hold that against him, it is possible Percy did not want to put his family through additional scrutiny. 

Jay Cutler always looked to me like a horribly hungover Stan Laurel. But let’s say his expression isn’t his fault.

What killed it for Jay Cutler for me was when the Chicago Bears staged a potentially heartwarming event for a terribly heart-ill 10-year-old Jay Cutler fan wearing a damn Cutler jersey.

And Cutler pouted for the entire ten seconds he had to try and be civil to the kid. Said a few curt words. Signed a ball and then walked away. 

Any athlete,  like Cutler, who claims he does not have responsibility to fans outside the game is an a-hole. If you're a fan wearing a damn Bears jersey, I believe you have a responsibility not to act like a dick. 

Good riddance to Jay Cutler. 

(San Diego addition)
How entitled are billionaires? In addition to not wanting to pay any taxes, although their team's name is the San Diego Chargers, the Spanos family feels neither loyalty nor responsibility to the people of San Diego. 

If a town as big and mostly great as St. Louis can be fine without an NFL team, so can the also incredibly awesome San Diego.

Good riddance to the Spanos. 

Because the media in sports is not political, you don't have to spend much time around people in the sports media to learn what reporters are like: sports reporters are mostly trouble-causing a-holes. (See: Steven Smith and Skip Bayless) 

Liberal or conservative, a reporter's main job is to sell their stories and the best way to do that is to stir up a controversy. They genuinely do not care how much of a dick they have to be to do it. 

Nobody reports on an jerky question from an a-hole reporter that gets unanswered. But if the athlete or coach being asked gets pissed and says something exciting, well that is news. 

In short, the media has nothing to lose and everything to gain by being total dicks. That is why, when they are interviewed, 99% athletes make Russell Wilson sound like Charlie Sheen:

"Well, it was a team effort. We were blessed to do well against an outstanding team, but thanks to all of my great teammates and our wonderful coach, we were able to pull out a hard-fought win and we look forward to our next game against our next great opponent. 

And I would be remiss if I did not say that our owner is a wonder person, a great human being as well as a first class individual."

But I also get it. Which leads to the fact that . . . 

If not held in constant media check, ala Ben "Rapist" Roethlisberger, a prima donna a-hole athlete can destroy an entire franchise for a decade. It happened with Sammy Sosa and the Chicago Cubs before everyone learned Sosa was nothing like the lovable knucklehead we thought he was. 

The expression a locker room cancer may be obscene and inappropriate hyperbole, but that does not mean it is not true. 

Let's face it. As Terry Bradshaw and Michael Irvin prove every time they open their rancid mouths, there are not many entertaining great athletes who are not world record a-holes. 

To end on a more positive note. 

How about those Chicago Cubs? Last time I checked, they were still World Series Champions.