Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Aristocrat

Donald Trump has vowed to take steps to avoid business conflicts. This message was brought to you by GEICO, Verizon and Pfizer, the makers of Viagra.

The man who invented the Big Mac 50 years ago, Jim Delligatti, died at 98. It is comforting to know he will never have to hear the jingle, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” ever again.

His secret to his long life? He invented the Big Mac. He never ate a Big Mac. 

50 years ago if you could have predicted the three people who would not live another year, it would be the inventor of the Big Mac, Fidel Castro and Keith Richards.

Originally the Big Mac was called “The Aristocrat.” Someone wisely decided fast food should not have the word cat in it.

The man Donald Trump has pegged for Sec. of Treasury, Steven Mnuchin, was once sued by Trump. But if Trump could only pick people he has not sued, he could only pick Melania, Ivanka and himself. And he almost sued Ivanka. 

Kanye West is not considered stable enough to return home. When they asked Kanye if he would like to be released to the care of the Kardashian women, Kanye said, “Did I mention the flying monkeys controlling my brain?” 

My Joke From Five Years Ago:

New book coming out of pictures and x-rays of items found in folk's rectums. The title? "Keeping it Up Your Kardashian."

Monday, November 28, 2016

Fidel Castro died at 90. “See? I told you we would get him,” said the CIA.

In Seattle, a man with a lung disease finished a marathon towing an oxygen tank. And I didn’t work out because it was cloudy.

Kanye West is still hospitalized in LA. for an emotional breakdown. Kardashian women turned Scott Disick into an alcoholic, Lamar Odom into a drug addict and Bruce Jenner into a woman. Kardashian is an Armenian word that means: “Guys, run for your lives.” 

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. He violated human rights while keeping his people in poverty while he lived in luxury. Kim Jong Un will miss him dearly.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. It has been estimated Castro survived 634 attempts on his life. But it was that exploding Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone that finally got him.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. He drank rum, ate pork and smoked Cuban cigars all day everyday.  Now that Castro’s gone, Cuba’s life expectancy and  GNP should go up. 

Two Buffalo Bills fans who threw a large sex toy on the field have been banned from New Era Field for life. On the bright side, they are welcomed at the Kardashian’s for the holidays.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90.  The world’s oldest communist dies on the busiest shopping day of the year, Black Friday. That’s like Kim Jong Un dying on Tall and Handsome day.

In Boston over Thanksgiving weekend, 30 minutes of CNN’s “Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown” were replaced by hardcore porn. For the first five minutes, people thought they were learning how to stuff giblets back into a turkey.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. People in Cuba are mourning him as the only leader they have ever known. That is like mourning the death of a rat as the only pet you’ve ever known.

It has been a year since Pfizer and Allergen, the makers of Viagra and Botox, have merged. The Viagra-Botox merger has been hard, rigid and tense, but it’s created stiff competition.