Saturday, September 10, 2016

Today is the sixth anniversary of when they found a severed hand in Palmdale, CA. The good news is they did not find anything in Dick Lick Springs, AK. 

Carolina Panther kicker, Graham Gano, missed a game-winning field goal against the Denver Broncos exactly two years after he shoved a marching band member to the ground to practice a kick. That, folks, is what is called Nerd-on-Nerd Karma. 

Hillary Clinton apologized for calling half of Donald Trump’s followers deplorable. Hillary claims she meant to say adorable instead of deplorable, but she accidentally erased the email reminding her. 

It is fashion week on New York. Please do not feed the super models. 

Kylie and Kendall Jenner getting stuck in a New York elevator. Not sure they fully understood what happened. They kept calling Uber to get a ride out of the elevator. 

In New York, Kylie and Kendall Jenner got stuck in an elevator and had to be saved by three fireman. It was a little awkward when the fireman told them they had to push the buttons. 

During the Bronco-Panther game, the camera caught Cam Newton flossing on the bench. It even surprised the woman giving him a pedicure. 

Friday, September 09, 2016

A California skateboarder set the world record going 89.41 MPH. He also set a world record for longest and loudest screaming of the F-word. 

Tim Tebow signed with the New York Mets. The Mets are excited. They’ve never had a player throw an interception before.

Tim Tebow signed with the New York Mets. Tim is going to love the New York Mets fans, they yell “Jesus Christ” a lot.

“GQ” magazine declares Jefferson Starship’s “We Built This City” as the worst song ever. Apparently they weren’t familiar with Bruce Willis’s singing career. 

On “Thursday Night Football” the Broncos defeated the Panthers 21-20. I don’t want to say the refs let the game get out of hand, but the Broncos treated Cam Newton like Quinceañeras treat a Trump piñata on Cinco De Mayo.

Since you asked:

Both candidate’s egos are so outsized they consider themselves above the truth. And why wouldn’t they? Lying has gotten them where they are today. 

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Chipotle is working on using drones to deliver burritos. They got the idea from watching so many of their customers air-lifted to the hospital. 

Ex-Forty Niner, Bruce Miller, was charged with beating a 70-year-old man with a cane. He was also charged with spousal abuse in March. In addition, his nomination for the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year is not looking good. 

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Amber Rose said she had her first threesome, with a man and a woman, and hated it. And the three of them are not welcome back at their local Ikea anytime soon. 

The New York Mets fans got a thrill when Wilmer Flores changed his walk-up song to the theme from “Friends.” Much better then when Alex Rodriguez changed his to the theme from “The Cosby Show.” 

The New York Mets fans got a thrill when Wilmer Flores changed his walk-up song to the theme from “Friends.” Unfortunately, the at-bat ended with Flores jumping into a fountain. 

Everyone's excited for the NFL season. The New England Patriots are so pumped up, they had to let some air out. 

Ryan Lochte has been suspended from swimming for 10 months for his Rio fake robbery lie.  When asked to comment, Ryan said, “10 months? That is almost half a year.” 

They made it ten months so he could count it without taking his shoes off. 

What I am trying to say here is the man is stupid. Where Lochte trains they have to put urinal cakes in the bathroom that say "Do Not Eat." 

Amber Rose said she had a threesome and hated it. She said it was like a twosome but with way more math. 

Amber said she liked having sex with Kanye West more than the threesome, but she couldn't put a finger up the reason why. 

Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" ‌‌ - Bohemia Afterdark

Let My Cameron Go

Kylie Jenner is now a bleach blonde. Good idea. Because if there is one thing that the Jenner/Kardashian sisters have been guilty of, it is looking too intellectual. 

Donald Trump has been accused of pandering to black voters and Mexicans. Trump denied pandering to blacks and Mexicans saying, “That would be no bueno, homeboy.” 

Ann Coulter got slammed during the Rob Lowe Roast. Ann Coulter is scary. I wouldn’t screw Ann Coulter with Ann Coulter’s penis. 

Apple unveiled the new iPhone 7. It has a special feature that alerts you to all the social networks sites when Taylor Swift breaks up with her fake boyfriend. 

The Forty Niners released Bruce Miller after he got drunk and punched a 70-year-old man in the face. Earlier that night he was kicked out of restaurant for trying to steal a sandwich. All that was missing was lying about being held up by fake cops for the d-bag trifecta. 

Here is my Ann Coulter joke: 

“Guys, if you’re thinking of dating Ann Coulter the good news is there is no chance you will not get an STD. But there is a 100% chance you will get freezer burn. 

Just re-read parts of Eagles guitarist Don Felder’s “Heaven and Hell” and I do not know how I missed how awesome this is:

While recording “Hotel California” at Criterion Studios in Miami, the Eagles rented a few houses including the exact same house on 461 Ocean Blvd as Eric Clapton, the title name of Eric Clapton’s off-heroin comeback album. The Eagles watched football on TV and drank beer and played football on the beach when not recording. 

Not sure why that is so great, but it is. 

Cannot recommend HBO’s “The Night Of” enough. Movie quality stuff over eight episodes. Eye-guzzled last night in a marathon session. 

It is honest to the point of gritty and it takes no cheap shots or shortcuts. Whatever the opposite of going Hollywood is, but with under-lit, art house/film school directing. 

Great actors. We know John Turturro was great, but has anyone heard of Bill Camp? Stole the thing as Sgt. Box.

And so did Jeannie Berlin steal it as hard-boiled, but with a smoker-hacked, crusty heart of gold, DA, Helen Weiss. And  the underrated Michael K. Williams played Freddie Knight with an impossible balance of menace and mentoring. 

And without the star being awesome and transforming before our eyes, Riz Ahmed as "Naz" Khan, the thing would fold like a wet taco. 

That was weird.

Former “SNL” great, Fred Armisen, is the star and creator of “Portlandia” and “Documentary Now!” as well as being in several movies and TV shows including "The Jim Gaffigan Show" “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” as well as sitting in on drums and base with The 8G Band on “Late Night With Seth Meyers.” 

Just now, when I got up to get some coffee, when I got back, I had been replaced by Fred Armisen. 

The difference the New York Yankee retirements between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodgruguez is about the difference between Neil Armstrong landing on the moon and a guy sent up to fix the ISS busted toilet. 

Punk rock sucked so much that, not only did punk rock suck, but the the pseudo-intellectual druggie pussies pretending to be cutting-edge and tough punks who liked punk sucked too. 

Same with disco and their disco ducks. Nobody hated disco more than me, but disco was just a bunch of morons on coke trying to get laid.

Punk took snotty affectations into Depeche Mode levels of condescension. Punk rock fans were genuine assholes. 

Punk sucked so much that the bands considered to be the top punk bands were not even punk. Blondie, Nirvana, Talking Heads, Patty Smith. Why? Because unlike the Sex Pistols, Dead Kennedys and most other punk bands, they could actually play music.  They eventually went by the name New Wave. Which meant punk without the suck. 

To sum up the thinking behind punk music fans it went something like this:

"We hate everything. We want to look ugly. We want to be unpopular. We want our music to suck."

The truth is everything hated you already. You were already ugly and unpopular and now you have music that is just was ugly and unpopular as you have always been. 

Punk was just a sad and pathetic attempt to make being ugly and weird a choice. 

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

“Fox News” has been sued for $20 mil. for sexual harassment. It is so bad for women at “Fox News,” Ann Coulter wouldn’t work there if she was a woman. 

Baltimore Ravens lineman, John Urschel, received four A’s in the PHD program at MIT. Forget a math PHD at MIT, most NFL players can barely understand OMG and LOL.  

Baltimore Ravens lineman, John Urschel, received four A’s in the math PHD program at MIT. On HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” LA Ram first draft pick, Jared Goff, did not know the sun rose in the East.  The intelligence gap in the NFL is wider than the gap in Michael Strahan's front teeth. 

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have broken up. This is really hard for Taylor. How is she going to find a song lyric that rhymes with Hiddleston? 

The Forty Niners released Bruce Miller after he was arrested for punching a 70-year-old man in the face. He was also arrested for spousal battery in 2015. So Miller picks on old men and women. Forget standing up for the National Anthem, this guy isn’t man enough to stand up when he pees.

Trump summed up

Conservative commentator, Ann Coulter, did badly during the Rob Lowe roast. Coulter has not been this upset since a house landed on her sister. 

Today is the first day of school for many kids. Or as I called the first day of school: the only day I was all caught up with homework. 

The White House cancelled a meeting with Philippines president, Rodrigo Duterte, after he called President Obama a son of a whore. President Obama will get even. Introducing Philippines Ambassador Ryan Lochte.

Donald Trump has been accused of pandering to black voters and Mexicans. Trump denied pandering to blacks and Mexicans saying, "That would be no bueno, Homeboy." 

Conservative commentator, Ann Coulter, did badly during the Rob Lowe roast. It’s the last time Ann has Melania Trump steal jokes for her. 

Conservative commentator, Anne Coulter, did badly during the Rob Lowe roast. Even her flying monkeys were upset. 

The White House cancelled a meeting with Philippines president, Rodrigo Duterte, after he called President Obama a son of a whore. On the bright side, Donald Trump hired Duterte as a speech writer.

Philippines president, Rodrigo Duterte, apologized for calling President Obama a son of a whore. What he meant to say was Obama’s like a song we adore. Yeah, that’s it.

Since you asked:

Let’s list the best of the worst songs. The guilty pleasures of embarrassing songs we like whether we like it or not. Most are done by great bands and artists, some are not. 

“I’m so excited” Pointer Sisters

“Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners (Ode to "Tommy Boy.")

“Burning Down the House” Talking Heads

“Futures so Bright”  Timbuk 3 (Another ode to TB)

"Lady In Red" Chris De Burgh

"I Want it That Way" Backstreet Boys (I bet you do) 

"Radar Love" Golden Earring  

“Mandy” Barry Manilow 

"Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Kiss Him Goodbye," Steam

“"Careless Whisper" (Guilty Feet have got no rhythm) Wham

“Dancing in the Dark” The Boss  (Love the Boss, but come on. Dancing with Courtney Cox?)

“Don’t You Forget About Me” Simple Minds

“Walking on the Moon” Police

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” Bonnie Tyler

"Walking on Sunshine" Katrina and the Waves

“Girls Just Want to Have Fun” Cyndi Lauper (This is almost too good to be a GP) 

"U Can't Touch This" MC Hammer

“She’s a Maniac” Hall & Oats

“Raspberry Beret” Prince

“Who Let the Dogs Out?” Baja Boys

“500 Miles” The Proclaimers

"Broken Wings" Mr. Mister

"I'm Too Sexy" Right Said Fred

“All Right Now” Free (This song is probably too good to be considered a guilty pleasure) 

“Beat It” MJ

"If You Leave Me Now" Chicago

“Sailing” Christopher Cross

“I don’t want to lose your love tonight” The Outfield

“Steal My Sunshine” Len

“Firework” Katy Perry

“Drops of Jupiter” Train