Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Panthers Thomas Davis will play in the Super Bowl with twelve screws in his arm. The only way he could be more screwed as if they traded him to the Cleveland Browns. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Carolina Panther Cam Newton claims nobody compares to him. And he is right. If Cam wins the Super Bowl, he will be the first ever quarterback to win with tiny ears.

Mattel is offering a new “Curvy” Barbie. In an ironic twist, they got the idea from Amy Schumer.

People are upset role of Michael Jackson in a movie went to a white man. They are right to be upset, it should have gone to an old white woman. 

Bristol Palin is upset about Tina Fey’s imitation of her mom on “SNL.” Bristol is so upset she has stopped her experiment to see if she can get pregnant while she is pregnant. 

Kanye West in a Twitter feud with Wiz Khalifa to which Wiz went on stage and screamed; “Eff Kanye.” Not exactly Winston Churchill versus Lady Astor, is it? 

“TMZ” claims Kate Del Castillo is furious at Sean Penn claiming he didn’t tell her about his “Rolling Stone” El Chapo article that has put her in danger. On the bright side, Penn did not tie her up and beat her mercilessly, like he did to his then-wife, Madonna. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Even without Trump, will the republican debate turn nasty? Does Bristol Palin swipe right on Tinder? 

Cam Newton said he is an African American quarterback nobody can compare to. In a related story, Cam is off Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb and Warren Moon’s Christmas card list.

Donald Trump is ducking the next republican debate to avoid “Fox News” moderator, Megyn Kelly. Trump claims he can handle Putin and Assad, but he ducks a woman whose most dangerous act was to replace the A in Megan with a Y.

Tommy Boy singing Superstar by The Carpenters

This is so me . . .

L.A. Clipper, Blake Griffith, will miss up to six weeks with a broken hand from punching an assistant. If Blake played for the Knicks he would be fine. He would have missed.

“USA Today” claims Ted Cruz’s personality is a problem. Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz remind you of the guy working at the DMV who is way too happy about closing the window of the line you’re standing in on your face? 

Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz remind you of the used car salesman who repeatedly asks; “Can I be honest with you?” 

Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz remind you of the assistant bank manager who is way too happy about telling you he won’t cash your check? 

Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz remind you of the used car salesman who repeatedly bends over to check his hair in the car’s sideview mirrors? 

Is it just me, or does Ted Cruz remind you of the used car salesman who greets people with; “What can I do you for?” 

Is it just me or does Ted Cruz look like he licks his thumb before peeling bills off his giant pimp roll of cash? 

Carolina Panthers linebacker, Thomas Davis, broke his arm against the Cardinals, but he plans to play in the Super Bowl. In a related story, I once stayed home from work because I was having a bad hair day. 

The National Transportation Safety Board is asking congress to lower the legal blood alcohol limit from .08 to .05. .05 is considered sober, .10 is slightly intoxicated and .15 is;  “Damn, Adele, why your “Hello” got to be so real and bitch me up like this?” 

Donald Trump claims “Fox News” Megyn Kelly is obsessed with him. Oh my word, you two, get it over with and make-out after school behind the gym. 

Dear Brits:

What gives you the gall to just spell stuff like Colour and Aluminium and Cosy? 

What if we did thatt? Just threuw in I’s and U’s and whateveruer letter in a wourd wheneveruer wee wantid tooo? Juust whatt dou youu think you’re doiing? Namiing NFL playeurs? 

(Just a jokue. Relaxx) 

This song came so close to being great. The haunting beat, melody and searing guitar licks are great. The lyrics and Henley low-talking/singing the lyrics suck.

If this song had the Henley torch love song lyrics and scorching-high singing style of “Boys of Summer” or “Forgiveness” combined with the great Eagle harmonies, this would be a classic. 

Rumor has it Henley was promised a role in a Western by world class Hollywood a-hole and coke and whore addict, Don “Top Gun” Simpson. And Simpson blew Don off. This was Henley’s attempt at getting even. 

When evil mass murdering dictator, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il, started making movies, the joke in Hollywood was he was the second biggest a-hole in movies to Simpson.  

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Well, now, you took the turn with me, Miss Daisy, and you were the one holding the map, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Turlock, CA, $50,000 worth of bull semen was stolen. The thieves are not considered armed, but they are probably sore-armed. 

For the love of god, Miley Cyrus, get some help. 

Former New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, is thinking of running for president. Bernie Sanders always says he’s looking out for the little guy, now one is running for president. 

In Australia, thieves tried to siphon gas from a tour bus, but syphoned sewage instead. The thieves are considered angry, armed and sh*t-faced.

A company makes yoga pants that vibrate when you are in the right position. Especially when you are in the Downward Doggie Style. 

The yoga pants vibrate at three speeds: low, medium and “Who needs a man?” 

Hillary Clinton is now behind Bernie Sanders in the Iowa polls. Hillary is about to make winter storm Jonas look like happy hour in Maui. 

There is a speaker that inserts into a pregnant woman’s vagina so the unborn baby can hear music. The vagina song-list includes “Rock and Roll Hochie Koo.” “Squeeze Box,” and Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me.” 

Carolina Panthers linebacker, Thomas Davis, broke his arm against the Cardinals, but he plans to play in the Super Bowl. In a related story, the rest of us are all pussies.  

I once stayed home from work because I was having a bad hair day. 

Since you asked;

As for Dr. Anjali Ramkissoon, the tiny Miami doctor who attacked the Uber driver. 

First, we all have bad days. 

Second, most of us have probably acted more poorly than we would have preferred when under the influence of alcohol. 

Third, it is the start of the year and we should all try and be more kind and forgiving. 

Having said that, this little bitch needs to fry. 

She is the embodiment of rude entitlement - not unlike that witch reporter for ESPN, Britt McHenry, who abused the parking lot attendant on camera and should have been fired, but was not. 

Until trolls, like Dr. Anjali Ramkissoon and Britt McHenry, are held accountable and fired for their awful behavior, people will go around thinking they can act the “The Real Idiot Housewives of Wherever.” 

Here is why I genuinely believe neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump will be on a ballot in November with a chance to win: character matters and they don’t have it.

If anything our first grade teachers taught us about people and how to treat them is true, than neither Hillary nor Trump have a chance. 

Fatboy Slim - Weapon Of Choice

Monday, January 25, 2016

Ex-NFL QB, Vince Young, was arrested after driving erratically and being uncooperative. He was charged with a DUI and with impersonating Johnny “Football” Manziel. 

In a 49-15 loss to the Carolina Panthers, Arizona Cardinal QB, Carson Palmer, had six turnovers. The Patriots didn’t turn that many balls over to the refs when they checked the air pressure. 

By the end of the fourth quarter, Palmer tried to throw in the towel, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

The Flint Michigan water scandal is bad. Apparently the state’s attempt to bottle the water and label it “Chunky Style” did not fly.

Carolina Panther linebacker, Thomas Davis, broke his arm against the Arizona Cardinals, but he plans to play in the Super Bowl. In a side note, I had a brain-freeze drinking a smoothie this morning and went back to bed. 

Alaska was hit with a 7.2 earthquake. It was so bad it knocked Bristol Palin off the dude she just met. 

Three prisoners escaped from the Orange County, CA jail. The escapees are described as radically gnarly and extremely bogus. 

To give you an idea how huge the East Coast snowstorm is, people are calling their jobs saying they cannot make it to work on Monday. And that is in Los Angeles. 

Since you asked:

With all the nice memories of Glenn Frey and the Eagles, I am slightly perturbed by the repetition of the incorrect cliche “California laid-back rock.” 

More than slightly . . . 

On their first album, “Take It Easy” is about a hitchhiker who gets laid by a babe in a truck. That is American rock.

“Witchy Woman” flat out rocks-out and it is about getting laid by a coke-snorting, crazy Satan-worshiping nymphomaniac. What is more rock and roll than that? 

“Peaceful Easy Feeling” is just an extension of “Take It Easy” where he proposes having sex in the desert. 

“Tryin’” and “Chug All Night” rock out, they just did not get radio time. Listen to “Tryin’.”

People who say the Eagles didn’t rock remind me of the guy in “Spinal Tap” who says of his amplifier;

“But this one goes to eleven.”

When a band has three great guitarists over their life like Bernie Leadon, Don Felder and Joe Walsh, what matters is the execution, not the volume. 

Back when they used to be connected with music, MTV learned how to divide the men from the boys as musicians when they came up with “MTV Unplugged.” Eric Clapton showed everyone that the better the guitarist, the better they sound unplugged. 

Many top big-hair Eighties bands, like Van Halen, Ratt, Poison and Ratt Poison,  left the MTV soundstage with their poisoned rat tails between their legs. They sounded like crap without nuked-up studio screaming and screeching. 

Many of the so-called top bands at the time just did not have the musical chops to play and sing acoustic. They hid their lack of dexterity and artistry behind increased volume and studio wizardry. 

Do you want to measure the rock-worthiness of a band by their hard-living lifestyle? The Eagles led all in trashed rental cars, hotel rooms and crazy private jet pilot stunts. 

Do you want to measure them by booze, drugs and women? The Eagles were probably a close fourth behind the Stones, Led Zeppelin and the Who. Way ahead of the Beatles. 

To say a band that is skilled enough to sing harmonies play acoustic songs well cannot rock is to say Led Zeppelin and the Stones can't rock. "Angie." "Wild Horses." "Going to California." Beginning to "Stairway to Heaven."

Hell one of Jimi Hendrix's greatest songs was mostly acoustic: "Little Wing." 

The wildly underrated guitarist and songwriter and regular Don Henley collaborator, Danny Kortchmar, said it best: 

"After we tell the real stories about James Taylor and the Eagles, California laid-back rock will be deader than disco."

Sunday, January 24, 2016

The Green Bay Packers hired Ben Sirmans as a running back coach. From the looks of Eddie Lacy, they should have hired Jenny Craig.