Friday, December 05, 2014

A book claims Jesus Christ was married with two children. Can you imagine the pressure on those two kids during their mom’s Christmas letter?
“Happy My Husband’s birthday. 
Jesus Junior continues to struggle with his water-walking, but, his dad is a patient coach, so we remain hopeful. Our youngest, Carl, is showing some promise in being able to change the flavor of his juice box from cherry to grape.”

Since you asked:
One of the fascinating things about rock stars and the music business is how many different aspects of talent is required and how easily things can go wrong. 
Just listen to the Rolling Stones song, "Country Honk." Keith Richards insisted on doing a country song in honor of the passing of his good friend, Graham Parsons. It's too corny, but OK.
Somebody suggested they turn it into a rock song and out came "Honky Tonk Woman." 
A great song that almost never happened.
How many people are great musicians, great singers, great performers, great recording artists and great song writers? It is a short list. 
Now add to that list great song selectors. That is where a good producer means so much. When Glyn Jons produced the Eagles, the Stones had made him cranky, so no drugs in the studio. He made the Eagles what they were. A great American guitar band with incredible harmonies. 
So they fired him. Yes, they then came out with "One of These Nights" and "Hotel California". But they also came out with "The Long Run." Some OK, "I Can't Tell You Why" Mostly forgettable, "Heartache Tonight." Some downright awful, "Disco Strangler" and "Greeks Don't Want No Freaks."
Just because a song got written and recorded does not mean it makes the album. Paul McCartney and John Lennon became the leaders of the Beatles. Now and then they would throw George Harrison a bone with "Here comes the Sun" and "While My Guitar Gently Weeps."
But mostly they chose their songs.
When the Beatles broke up, George Harrison recorded the smash double-album, "All Things Must Pass" out of the songs Lennon and McCartney rejected. 
The main reason the Eagles broke up was the bitterness between Don Felder and Glenn Frey over not letting Felder sing the lead on his song, "Victim of Love." Felder was hurt and pissed and never forgave Frey. 

Felder said Frey began treating him is if he was just a sideman. And this is the guy who wrote all of the music for the song "Hotel California."
Part of the demise of rock stars is because their ego gets as big as their bank account, they believe they are all things to all people. Producer, writer, singer, lead guitarist. 
Look at Paul McCartney and Wings for crying-out-loud. Wings was nothing short of a huge musical embarrassment. With the exception of the classic icon, "Imagine" same goes for Lennon's solo stuff.
One of Glenn Frey's solo albums, "The Allnighter" got two stars out of five from "Rolling Stone." And those stars were for the songs mostly written by Jack Tempchin and J.D. Souther. (In fairness, the Eagles and the punk-rock-loving writers at "Rolling Stone" were always at odds)

Don Henley once did a little whining in a "Rolling Stone" interview on how hard it is to be a rock star. Sure, 9-5 jobs have their challenges, but they get to leave it at the office. Poor little rock stars are rock stars 24/7. 

Boo freaking hoo.

Henley went on to throw gas on the fire by describing how, that day,  he had to go and get a tape recorder fixed, get his BMW tuned, pick up his laundry, and buy some new drum gear. It took up the whole damn day. 

Frey described a typical day while writing their third album "On the Border"  as getting up late in his beautiful Laural Canyon, 360 degree view house from a boozy poker game. Head downhill into his manager's office on Sunset Blvd. and read his fan mail and listen to the little ball of hate, Irving Azoff, scream and generally make people miserable on the phone. Then head out to the Cock and Bull for a burger and beers. 

Then back up to the top of the Cold Water Mountain plush bachelor pad to smoke pot, play piano and guitar and write lyrics. Then some blow and basketball followed by catered food.

Back down the mountain for some serious boozing at the bar at the Troubador. And then pasta and wine at Dan Tana's. 

Back up the mountain home for more blow and then another all-night poker game, complete with hired escorts in the bedroom and handcuffed to the towel racks in the bathroom. 

Not exactly breaking rocks, is it? 

Somewhere Elton John decided to stop making "Tiny Dancer" and "Funeral for a Friend" and wrote exclusively "The Lion King" type Disney songs. Suddenly he became kind of a grand old queen and his songs sound like it. 

Tom Petty put it well when he said one day he is a struggling musician and then, when he was 26, a check showed up in the mail for $250,000. 

That is a recipe for disaster. 

Thursday, December 04, 2014

There is a great new iPhone app. It adds up the time you spend playing “Words with Friends” and automatically deducts that total from your life expectancy.

A Frenchman claims he has invented a pill that makes passed gas smell better. Now if he could only make a pill that makes a Frenchman smell better.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. It is right next to the celibate brothel.

The Viagra disclaimer says; “For erections lasting over four hours, please consult a physician.” For a four-hour erection, I’m consulting an adult film producer.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. Look, if you want to sit around doing nothing, that is up to you, but don’t say you’ve opened a vegan butcher shop.

University of Texas lab is reporting 100 brains are missing. Police believe they may be closing in on the culprit when they found fliers for a zombie barbeque.

The runner up in a “best butt” contest in Brazil was hospitalized because of augmentation complications. She asked the plastic surgeon for a Full Kardashian, but her legs could not support the crushing additional butt-weight.

Since you asked:
After 90 years, my childhood shoe store, Vose Bootery, at 837 Elm (we lived at 889 Elm) is closing. This is sad.

One of my memories of Vose, besides the balloon they gave you if you bought shoes,  is the two guys who worked there. They were slightly older gentleman, extremely polite and nice and maybe not active members of Mensa.

One of them got it in his head that our eight letter last name was extremely hard to pronounce. (Kaseberg, like iceberg, but with a case instead of ice)

It was so much fun to go in – I can still smell the strong whiff of shoe polish – and anticipate how he would butcher our name. When you walked in you could see his worried look at having to say it;

“Well, hello . . .  Mrs. Kaselaburry, how are you?”

“What can we do for you today, (gulp) Mrs. Kasenbergern?

“Isn’t it a lovely day, Mrs. Kasahburkerage?”

My mom was too polite to correct them.

Unlike a soccer mom we knew who named her daughter a seven-syllable Hawaiian name, Kahalihohailaina – and they had no Hawaiian blood, just an estate there – and she would angrily correct anyone who didn’t get it exactly right.

We finally just called the kid K, much to mom’s chagrin.  

As I now recall, the final pronunciation of Kaseberg at Vose Bootery landed on Kaselberry.  

Cars now have GPS and WiFi. Explain why windshield wipers still just have only three speeds? There is, A, Way too slow, B, Too slow, and C, Way too fast.

Speed, A, Way too slow, only works if it is not actually raining. C, Way too fast, only works if you are driving underwater. 

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. It’s called the “Ye Olde Bad Idea Shoppe.”

God forbid there is ever any looting in Minneapolis, but if there is? The safest place would be a Vegan butcher shop.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Apple has an exciting new iPhone app for teenagers parents will love called iLife. After you download, it shuts off their iPhone so they have to look up and get a life.

Microsoft has launched a new information-gathering app called Delve. If you want to find more about it you’ll have to Google it.

I’ve reached that really interesting age: too young to retire, too old to, uh, um, too old to, oh shoot, what is that other thing?

One of my favorite things to do is walk up to a hipster and say; 
“At half-past noon, I’m going to have a cup of Sanka, tune-up my carburetor and then dial the operator to call my milkman.” 
And then watch them cry with confusion.

There are two kinds of people: Those who have posted a selfie of their gluten-free meal online and those who aren’t douche bags.

80-year-old mass murderer, Charles Manson, is set to marry a 26-year-old woman. The good news is they’re writing their own vows. The bad news is they are carving the vows into their foreheads.

Scientists have discovered the shortest amount of time possible. It is the time between when Californians say they need rain and the time they complain about it.

Pringles now has a pizza-flavored chip. Here is my question: how lazy and stoned do you have to be when ordering a pizza is too much work?
Here is an interesting tidbit: Did you know the shelf-life of a Pringle is actually longer than the life of a shelf?
. Cushing

Since you asked:
Anyone who has raised a teenage girl knows one of the shortest measurable units of time is the time when they go from impressed by everything you do as a parent to utterly annoyed by everything you do as a parent.
It would be stretching it only moderately to say I could walk in the door and yell;
“Hey, Ann Caroline.”
To which she would respond from her upstairs room with a huge sigh and a loudly annoyed;
And then I would cheerfully reply;
“Today I discovered the cure for cancer.”
She would then yell;
“Whatever, Dad. I’m, like, trying to do my homework.”
Having said that, Ann Caroline is a big Jay Leno fan by osmosis. She has been around him much more than most because we watched recordings of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” a lot.  
A few months ago, Jay Leno called to thank me for sending jokes. When I told Ann Caroline he had called while she was taking a nap, she got upset she didn’t get to talk to him. So I asked Jay if he could call and say hi to her. He tried about three times. Each time A.C. had just walked out the door.
The fourth time Jay said;
“I’m beginning to think you don’t have a daughter.”
Last night, Jay Leno called to talk about jokes. We had a great talk for over 15 minutes. When I asked him if he would say hi to Ann Caroline, he said sure. They talked for a minute.
Afterwards, Ann Caroline actually shed a tear she was so excited. She raced to post about talking to Jay Leno on Twitter. Her friends exploded on her Twitter.
Hopefully it won’t be, but there is a chance that is the last time I will impress my daughter for quite some time.

Posted by @Floyd on Twitter:

How to pleasure your woman

1, Grab her and kiss her passionately
2, Slap that ass hard.
3, Make sure she is your woman
4, This has gone horribly, horribly wrong

5, See #3

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

The New York Jets looked awful losing to the Miami Dolphins, 16-13. Some say that was the worst performance from a Jet not involving Spirit Airlines.

Since you asked;
What is fascinating trying to write jokes about politics in this epidemic of entitlement, is both sides vehemently believe, not only is the other side dead wrong, but they are stupid and immoral as well. And liberals reading this think I am talking about conservatives and vice versa.