There is a great new iPhone app. It adds up the time you spend playing “Words with Friends” and automatically deducts that total from your life expectancy.

A Frenchman claims he has invented a pill that makes passed gas smell better. Now if he could only make a pill that makes a Frenchman smell better.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. It is right next to the celibate brothel.

The Viagra disclaimer says; “For erections lasting over four hours, please consult a physician.” For a four-hour erection, I’m consulting an adult film producer.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis who have opened the first Vegan butcher shop. Look, if you want to sit around doing nothing, that is up to you, but don’t say you’ve opened a vegan butcher shop.

University of Texas lab is reporting 100 brains are missing. Police believe they may be closing in on the culprit when they found fliers for a zombie barbeque.

The runner up in a “best butt” contest in Brazil was hospitalized because of augmentation complications. She asked the plastic surgeon for a Full Kardashian, but her legs could not support the crushing additional butt-weight.

Since you asked:

After 90 years, my childhood shoe store, Vose Bootery, at 837 Elm (we lived at 889 Elm) is closing. This is sad.

One of my memories of Vose, besides the balloon they gave you if you bought shoes,  is the two guys who worked there. They were slightly older gentleman, extremely polite and nice and maybe not active members of Mensa.

One of them got it in his head that our eight letter last name was extremely hard to pronounce. (Kaseberg, like iceberg, but with a case instead of ice)

It was so much fun to go in – I can still smell the strong whiff of shoe polish – and anticipate how he would butcher our name. When you walked in you could see his worried look at having to say it;

“Well, hello . . .  Mrs. Kaselaburry, how are you?”

“What can we do for you today, (gulp) Mrs. Kasenbergern?

“Isn’t it a lovely day, Mrs. Kasahburkerage?”

My mom was too polite to correct them.

Unlike a soccer mom we knew who named her daughter a seven-syllable Hawaiian name, Kahalihohailaina – and they had no Hawaiian blood, just an estate there – and she would angrily correct anyone who didn’t get it exactly right.

We finally just called the kid K, much to mom’s chagrin.  

As I now recall, the final pronunciation of Kaseberg at Vose Bootery landed on Kaselberry.  

Cars now have GPS and WiFi. Explain why windshield wipers still just have only three speeds? There is, A, Way too slow, B, Too slow, and C, Way too fast.

Speed, A, Way too slow, only works if it is not actually raining. C, Way too fast, only works if you are driving underwater.