Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Apple has an exciting new iPhone app for teenagers parents will love called iLife. After you download, it shuts off their iPhone so they have to look up and get a life.

Microsoft has launched a new information-gathering app called Delve. If you want to find more about it you’ll have to Google it.

I’ve reached that really interesting age: too young to retire, too old to, uh, um, too old to, oh shoot, what is that other thing?

One of my favorite things to do is walk up to a hipster and say; 
“At half-past noon, I’m going to have a cup of Sanka, tune-up my carburetor and then dial the operator to call my milkman.” 
And then watch them cry with confusion.

There are two kinds of people: Those who have posted a selfie of their gluten-free meal online and those who aren’t douche bags.

80-year-old mass murderer, Charles Manson, is set to marry a 26-year-old woman. The good news is they’re writing their own vows. The bad news is they are carving the vows into their foreheads.

Scientists have discovered the shortest amount of time possible. It is the time between when Californians say they need rain and the time they complain about it.

Pringles now has a pizza-flavored chip. Here is my question: how lazy and stoned do you have to be when ordering a pizza is too much work?
Here is an interesting tidbit: Did you know the shelf-life of a Pringle is actually longer than the life of a shelf?
. Cushing

Since you asked:
Anyone who has raised a teenage girl knows one of the shortest measurable units of time is the time when they go from impressed by everything you do as a parent to utterly annoyed by everything you do as a parent.
It would be stretching it only moderately to say I could walk in the door and yell;
“Hey, Ann Caroline.”
To which she would respond from her upstairs room with a huge sigh and a loudly annoyed;
And then I would cheerfully reply;
“Today I discovered the cure for cancer.”
She would then yell;
“Whatever, Dad. I’m, like, trying to do my homework.”
Having said that, Ann Caroline is a big Jay Leno fan by osmosis. She has been around him much more than most because we watched recordings of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” a lot.  
A few months ago, Jay Leno called to thank me for sending jokes. When I told Ann Caroline he had called while she was taking a nap, she got upset she didn’t get to talk to him. So I asked Jay if he could call and say hi to her. He tried about three times. Each time A.C. had just walked out the door.
The fourth time Jay said;
“I’m beginning to think you don’t have a daughter.”
Last night, Jay Leno called to talk about jokes. We had a great talk for over 15 minutes. When I asked him if he would say hi to Ann Caroline, he said sure. They talked for a minute.
Afterwards, Ann Caroline actually shed a tear she was so excited. She raced to post about talking to Jay Leno on Twitter. Her friends exploded on her Twitter.
Hopefully it won’t be, but there is a chance that is the last time I will impress my daughter for quite some time.

Posted by @Floyd on Twitter:

How to pleasure your woman

1, Grab her and kiss her passionately
2, Slap that ass hard.
3, Make sure she is your woman
4, This has gone horribly, horribly wrong

5, See #3