Saturday, April 05, 2014

It is one of these nights in Southern California

Courtney Love is in Los Angeles. Apparently she has given up her search for Malaysian flight #370 and is now searching for the Lakers’ missing offense.

Since you asked:

Fascinating read in “Sports Illustrated” titled “The Drop” on Tiger Woods’s second round penalty on the 15th  at last year's Masters that should have gotten him DQ’d. First, he knowingly broke the drop rule – and even admitted it in the press conference after - and, as a result, signed a bad scorecard.
If you’re a casual baseball fan, the balk rule might seem murky and petty. But to a pitcher, it is gospel. Their job depends on knowing it. Same thing stands for the rules in golf. Golfers know the rules inside and out because that is their job. Especially the rules about signing a bad scorecard. Especially the rules about dropping after hitting into water.
Tiger Woods knows the rules better than anyone.
The worst thing about golf is when great shots are punished. On 15, Tiger hit an amazing shot that hit the flag and then went into the water. That sucked. But the three options are clear: A, hit from the drop area, B, draw an imaginary line from where the ball went into the water and hit as far back as you want, and C, hit it from your last shot. Tiger felt the drop area sucked, and B was a terrible angle and left no green for Tiger so he decided to use the best parts of B and C and he moved his shot six feet back from where he hit it so he wouldn’t hit the flag-stick again.
Tiger intentionally broke the rule. At the least he should have been given an immediate two-stroke penalty, at best he should have been kicked out. 
Alan Shipnick did a great job writing “The Drop”. The thing about good sports writing  - especially about Tiger Woods – is that it allows you to read between the lines. There are lots of shadows and mystery in the staid and stodgy environment that is August National, home of the Masters. 

The entire mess could have been resolved if one green jacket Masters official had mustered the stones to approach Tiger before he signed his scorecard and assess the two-stroke penalty. They did not. That speaks volumes on both sides. Two words that come to mind are cowardice and arrogance. Those two words seem juxtaposed. In this case they were not. 
Tiger Woods has a long scorched-earth reputation for intimidation and vindictiveness, like his Nike mentor, Michael Jordan. Cross me and you pay. Big. The problem is golf and basketball could not be more different. Hoops are ruled by politics, shoes, money and players; tradition and rules rule golf. Hoops is a mean-streets game. Golf is a gentlemen's country club game.
Clearly the relationship between Tiger and the officials at the Masters is not cozy. Their lame ruling to belatedly assess the two-stroke penalty yet waive the obvious bad-scorecard-signing DQ essentially put the ball  - and the guilt - back to Woods. It was up to Tiger to do the right thing and DQ himself.  He did not. Neither side can be happy with the other. In other words, it was a poop sandwich and both sides had to take a giant bite.

Without going into the rules, the Masters decided to apply a DQ exemption that clearly did not apply to Tiger. The exemption is only for players who were totally unaware of their infraction. Tiger admitted his infraction in a damn press conference. The Masters officials had no business giving Tiger the DQ exemption and Tiger had no business taking it. It was a weak and sad moment for golf.
In the cozy “you rub my back, I’ll rub yours” whispering world of golf, the Golf Channel’s Brandell Chamblee’s repeated on-air condemnations of Tiger for not doing the right thing and pulling out of the 2013 Masters was the equivalent of a WWF beat-down. Golf's holy triumvirate, Johnny Miller, Greg Norman and Sir Nick Faldo all agreed with Chamblee, although less stridently. (Fear of Tiger’s wrath was palpable, but this ugly breach of etiquette superseded it. Bobby Jones is spinning in his grave)
Here is the between-the-lines part about “The Drop.” There is no doubt in my mind Tiger has chosen to punish the Masters for last year by not playing this year. Is it petty? Is it vindictive? It is. That is Tiger.

Yes, Tiger has a balky back, but he could have played. The medical procedure Tiger had on his back,  a microdiscectom, is an elective out-patient procedure. Repeat, elective. 

The end result? Both the Masters and Tiger Woods deserve not to have each other this weekend. And yet it is we, the viewers, who have to pay. We the viewers - as well as the Masters sponsors, but nobody is shedding a tear for them - we the viewers have to pay for Tiger and the Masters' cowardice and arrogance. 

Friday, April 04, 2014

You gots to be all funky up in this monkey, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Toronto City Counsel voted on praising the Canadian Olympic athletes, and the mayor, Rob Ford, was the lone dissenting vote. Ford said the Olympics aren’t what they’re cracked up to be.

Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is getting divorced after 31 years of marriage. I’m impressed he’s getting divorced. I would have bet he went with the collapsing bridge over the pool of piranhas.
This has been a wild time for Russian President, Vladimir Putin, the Sochi Games, nominated for a Nobel Prize, his invasion of Crimea, a divorce, launching a rocket from his fake volcano to capture a spaceship to start WWIII.
This divorce could get ugly, she wants to take Putin for the shirt that isn’t on his back.
The reaction from the White House to Putin's divorce was a little snarky. They said;"Oh, Crimea river."

There is a new perfume called Cheeteau, that smells like Cheetos. Because what woman doesn’t want to attract a man who gets turned on by the smell of Cheetos?

A Vancouver pizza joint is serving a pizza infused with marijuana; how fat and lazy have we become when getting stoned and then eating pizza is simply too much work?

There is a new perfume called Cheeteau, that smells like Cheetos. This perfume is perfect for women who want to date Chris Christie.
There is a new perfume called Cheeteau, that smells like Cheetos. The problem, guys? After a hot date you have to wash the orange dust off your fingers.

You can tell “Jeopardy” has turned 50. Their last three categories were “Viagra.” “Why did I come in here?” And “That’s not music, that’s noise.”

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

You can tell “Jeopardy” has turned 50. Some of their recent categories were;
“Where are my glasses? Oh, they’re on my head.” 
“Where did I park the car?” 
“Who was that actress in that movie about that thing?” 

“No, really, where are my glasses? Oh yeah, they’re still on my head.”
Happy April Fools Procrastinators day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Russian President Vladimir Putin is getting divorced.  Which explains why he is planning a joint invasion of the Marina Del Ray Oakwood apartments and the Cheesecake Factory Happy Hour.

The Milwaukee Brewers’ mascot dog, Hank, bit the racing Italian Sausage on the crotch. How bad is it? Let’s just say if the Italian Sausage wants to draw a walk, he’ll need three more balls.

The winner of the $425 million Power Ball Lottery, Northern California man named B. Raymond Buxton, finally collected his month-old winnings wearing a Yoda t-shirt. This will make Buxton the first man worth $425 mil. who can’t get laid.

Today is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Because what our fat asses really needed was a National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.

The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus is going to feature an All Madonna program; thus breaking the world record for the gayest thing ever set by the “Glee” All Barbra Streisand show.

Since you asked:
How far has Tiger Woods fallen since his fire hydrant hitting escapade in the Escalade? 14-majors-winner Tiger went from a lock to beat Jack Nicklaus’s record of 18 majors to a deep, deep long shot. For a 38-year-old with the back of a 55-year old to beat hundreds of young guys with healthy backs five times? It is simply asking too much. Even of Tiger.
Knowing, as we now do, that Tiger is a world-class hypocrite a-hole tool, it sort of frees us up to focus on what an amazing golfer he truly is. 
Believe me, I hope Tiger does break the record. It would be great for sports in general. (“HIMYM” salute) But in private (“HIMYM” salute) even Tiger has to feel his time is running out faster than the caviar at Anderson Cooper’s Tony Awards party.

Counting Tiger out of anything has proven to be a loser’s proposition, he is tougher than a two-dollar Las Vegas steak. But it simply is not Tiger against Tiger anymore like it used to be. Now there are about 20 young Tiger-like players out there. Let’s put it this way, Tiger would have to win as many majors as the second greatest player, Phil Mickelson, has ever won. Five. 
In the words of Dana Carvey as GHWB, “Not gonna dooooo it.”

This memo just came in:

Seattle Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, is now officially the expert spokesperson for absolutely anything and everything that has anything to do with African Americans.