Happy April Fools Procrastinators day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Russian President Vladimir Putin is getting divorced.  Which explains why he is planning a joint invasion of the Marina Del Ray Oakwood apartments and the Cheesecake Factory Happy Hour.

The Milwaukee Brewers’ mascot dog, Hank, bit the racing Italian Sausage on the crotch. How bad is it? Let’s just say if the Italian Sausage wants to draw a walk, he’ll need three more balls.

The winner of the $425 million Power Ball Lottery, Northern California man named B. Raymond Buxton, finally collected his month-old winnings wearing a Yoda t-shirt. This will make Buxton the first man worth $425 mil. who can’t get laid.

Today is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Because what our fat asses really needed was a National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.

The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus is going to feature an All Madonna program; thus breaking the world record for the gayest thing ever set by the “Glee” All Barbra Streisand show.

Since you asked:

How far has Tiger Woods fallen since his fire hydrant hitting escapade in the Escalade? 14-majors-winner Tiger went from a lock to beat Jack Nicklaus’s record of 18 majors to a deep, deep long shot. For a 38-year-old with the back of a 55-year old to beat hundreds of young guys with healthy backs five times? It is simply asking too much. Even of Tiger.

Knowing, as we now do, that Tiger is a world-class hypocrite a-hole tool, it sort of frees us up to focus on what an amazing golfer he truly is. 

Believe me, I hope Tiger does break the record. It would be great for sports in general. (“HIMYM” salute) But in private (“HIMYM” salute) even Tiger has to feel his time is running out faster than the caviar at Anderson Cooper’s Tony Awards party.

Counting Tiger out of anything has proven to be a loser’s proposition, he is tougher than a two-dollar Las Vegas steak. But it simply is not Tiger against Tiger anymore like it used to be. Now there are about 20 young Tiger-like players out there. Let’s put it this way, Tiger would have to win as many majors as the second greatest player, Phil Mickelson, has ever won. Five. 

In the words of Dana Carvey as GHWB, “Not gonna dooooo it.”

This memo just came in:

Seattle Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, is now officially the expert spokesperson for absolutely anything and everything that has anything to do with African Americans.