Saturday, March 22, 2014

The rumors continue that Bruce Jenner is nearing the final stages of a sex change operation. The final procedure goes by the medical term: a lop-a-dick-off-ah-me.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Right now Mercer is Googling Mercer to see who Mercer is

A UC Irvine study shows titanium golf clubs can cause sparks that set off grass fires. There is no danger from me because, after my shots, the fires are put out with my tears.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Sesame Street: Kermit and Joey Say the Alphabet

The tension over Russia claiming Crimea is high in Europe. People are saying; “Can you believe the head of a country just took over another country?” To which Germany said; “Hey, do you like Louisville in the final four?”

To celebrate their 7th birthday, Twitter is featuring famous tweets from seven years ago:

@JoeBiden, "No way this iPhone thing catches on."

@JustinBieber, "I'm only13, but when I am older I want to be just like Charlie Sheen."

@GeorgeW.Bush, "Mark my words, the Dixie Chicks' comeback is just getting warmed up."

@MileyCyrus, "Pink cut her hair short and dyed it blonde, why would a singer ruin her looks like that?" 

@DonaldTrump, "Anyone who thinks Michael Vick would be involved in dog fighting is an idiot."

@BruceJenner, "For some reason I have the Commodores song "Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady" stuck in my head."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

KTLA's Chris Schauble having the same reaction Anthony Weiner did when he realized he just tweeted his penis pic to all 50,000 of his followers

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains defiant against the US. Clearly I am no diplomat, but if I was advising President Obama, I would write a speech to give Putin: 
“Good morning. (cough, Seal Team Six) Sorry, something in my throat. Today I would like to address Putin’s aggression (cough, Seal Team Six) excuse me, and what (cough, Seal Team Six) and what we’re going to do about it.

Khloe Kardashian illustrates the power and the glory that is Hollywood gay magic

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Top Things My Wife Would Say While “Helping” the Malaysian Plane Searchers:
“Did you check both runways? What about the hangers? Sometimes it is in the most obvious place.”
“Where was it the last time you saw it?”
“If you were a missing plane, where would you be?”
“Did you retrace your steps?”
“Well, I certainly did not put it anywhere, if that is what you’re suggesting.”
"It's always in the last place you check." (blood trickles down my lip as I try not to say, "Of course it's in the last place you look. Why would you keep looking after you found it?")
"Are you sure you've checked everywhere?"

"You know what? If you don't appreciate my help, you can look on your own."