Friday, February 28, 2014

A man was pronounced dead and a day later tried to kick his way out of his body bag at the funeral home. This has been a rough time for Jay Leno.
It was windy and rainy in Southern California. It was so windy and wet in Santa Monica it blew a straight male into a movie theater showing “Endless Love.”
How bad is the Los Angeles Lakers season? On Twitter, Kobe Bryant has un-followed all of his teammates. Even worse, he invited all of them to play Farmville on Facebook. 

Since you asked:
With all the spotlights on the weird and complex world of the NFL locker room thanks to Michael Sam coming out and the Richie Incongnito/Jonathon Martin bullying scandal, Hollywood is screwing up an amazing two times on the funny Dan Jenkins’s book “Semi Tough.” 
Along with “North Dallas Forty” the book managed to capture the funny and ridiculous world of the NFL locker room with humor and insight. Unlike “NDF”, “ST” was not made into a decent movie. In fact, the movie with Burt Reynolds and Kris Kristofferson is a blueprint on how Hollywood can take a sure thing and ruin it with short- statured stars,* giant egos and sand dunes of cocaine.
For my money the cast should star Matthew McConaughy as running back Billy Clyde Puckett and Tatum Channing as Marvin “Shake” Tiller. They are the Butch and Sundance of the NFL. Jennifer Lawrence as Barbra Jane Bookman. And be sure to cast Rob Riggle, Chris Platt, Rob Cordrey and Hayes McCarthur. All funny and all believable as NFL players.
Go, Hollywood, get on it. Now.

*Despite being one of the great Hollywood screen writers, William Goldman, (“Princess Bride”, “Butch Cassidy” and “All the Presidents Men”) admits to being like the rest of us in his fascination with movie stars in real life. In order he is fascinated by their height (or lack of height) their hair (or lack of hair) and if they are lying about their sexual preferences. As I have it on unquestionable first hand authority, Burt Reynolds hits it hard on all three. Reynolds is officially listed as 5.11 but our friend assures me that is with lifts and cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Ryan Seacrest is launching his own line of men’s clothing. Well, that should end all the gay rumors . . .

A study claims people are sexually attracted to people who have a similar sounding voice as their own. Which explains why I blast weapon-grade tungsten every time I hear Demi Moore.

Brian Williams Raps "Rapper's Delight"

Someone on "Fallon" got themselves some mad computer editing skills
19-year-old top Baltimore Orioles prospect, Josh Hart, was introduced to Hall-of-Famer, Frank Robinson, by his manager, Buck Showalter. Showalter later asked Hart if he knew who Robinson was. When Hart did not, Showalter asked Hart to write a one page research paper on the legendary Robinson. Hart did. 

This is not without precedent. New York Yankees manager, Joe Torre, asked Alex Rodriguez to research Babe Ruth. A-Rod delivered a scrap of paper, scribbled in crayon were the words:
“He waz a kandy barr.”

This last A-Rod part, of course, is not true, but you have to admit you wish it was.

Taco Bell has launched a new breakfast menu that includes a waffle taco and a taco filled with bacon; in a related story, clearly al Qaeda has taken over Taco Bell in a blatant attempt to kill all Americans.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A Florida high school football star, Sharieff Rhaheed-Muhammad, was arrested for impregnating his 14-year-old cousin. Sometimes even Florida cannot believe just how Florida Florida really is.
Former New England Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, in jail awaiting his murder trial, attacked a fellow inmate at his Bristol County jail; not to go into the sordid details, but let’s just say Hernandez objected to the other prisoner’s attempt to turn him from a tight end into a wide receiver.

A Western Australia beach had to be closed when they spotted a 13-foot-long crocodile surfing in the waves. Not to worry, Aussie beachgoers, experts say it won’t be long until the crocodile is devoured by a great white shark.