Thursday, July 18, 2013

They gotta wants the schwanz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Tour de France leader, Britain, Chris Froome, became upset at a press conference over questions comparing him with drug-cheat, Lance Armstrong; wow, imagine how upset he would have gotten over questions about how nobody gives a crap about the Tour de France?

Comic-Con is in full swing in San Diego; good luck getting your computer problem fixed.

A “New York Times” study claims today’s college women want sex with instant gratification and no responsibilities; the conclusion of this study is that I went to college at the wrong time.

Britain has approved same sex marriage; wait, I’m confused, didn’t England already have same sex marriage? Aren’t Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles married?

San Diego Mayor, Bob Filner, refuses to resign despite numerous sexual harassment charges. Yesterday Filner attended the opening day at the Del Mar race track, but it didn’t go well. Filner  kept being mistaken for all the other horse’s asses.

Does everyone have Will and Kate Royal Baby Fever? It’s like when Kanye and Kim’s baby was born except the parents aren’t classless, sleazy idiots.

Britain has approved same sex marriage; great news for Sir Elton John, now the bitch is really back.

Since you asked:

You want an indication on how much talent there is in the comedy/acting world? How about Jane Lynch? Blows people away in movies, TV, plays, musicals. And nobody laid eyes on her until she stole the movie “Best in Show” at age 40. She had about three lines in “The Fugitive” as a researcher. More talent than anyone should ever have.

The more I read William Goldman, the more he damns famous actors with feint praise. Good to hear he thinks so much of Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman. And Robin Wright.

Why Robin Wright married possibly the biggest a-hole in Hollywood in Sean Penn is anybody’s guess. Not a huge fan of Madonna, but even she doesn’t deserve to get tied up and beaten until bones broke, as Penn did to her. Oh, and he hit her with a baseball bat.

Ran past them on the track around the water reservoir in Central Park, circa 1982. She was inconspicuous because she had just dyed her hair brown in her “Please take me seriously as an actress” phase. They were both incredibly slow runners, and short and slight. But my opinion of Penn was immediate: what a little bitchy punk. No kidding, when I ran past them I wanted to reach over and slap the sneer off Penn’s smug little face.

And he looked epically hung-over.

The actor who personifies everything Goldman hates is Dustin Hoffman. Serious case of short-man’s disease – he may not be five feet tall – and a huge ego combined with crippling insecurities. There is no amount of praise and compliments that could fill the vast void that is the giant hole in Hoffman’s soul despite his tiny, tiny body.

What makes the movie industry so awful when it is awful, according to Goldman, is the lying sleaze-balls that are the studio executives, and the explosive never-ending neediness of the deeply insecure movie stars. Exceptions seem to be Paul Newman – Redford is damned with no praise – Eastwood and Hackman.

Goldman – by his own admission – is abrasive and can’t stand fools. . (Bless his heart, Goldman is an old-school North Shore boy from Winnetka’s neighbor, Highland Park) And Goldman hates people who kiss ass almost as much as he hates people who demand their asses get kissed. That puts Goldman on the wrong side of many, many Hollywood types. Among the worst actors Goldman had to deal with were Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Hoffman, Streisand, Steve McQueen, Val Kilmer, Michael Douglass. (Believe it or not, he had nice things to say about Chevy Chase)

We all have love/hate relationships with big shot stars. We love it when they are good and good people, like Tom Hanks. But because we are kinda pissed off at how rich and famous they are, we love it when they turn out to be jerks. 

Thing I like aboout Goldman is he admits he is like us. He wants to know what big shot movie star is a phony. Who lies about, A, their height, their age, who claims to be nice, but is really a jerk, and who is lying about their sexuality. Nobody really cares if an actor is gay or not. Look at Jane Lynch and Neil Patrick Harris. We want to know who the liars, fakers and hypocrites are.

Good example of Hollywood being a land of little people: Arnold Schwarzenegger is considered a giant in Hollywood. He is maybe 6.0. (Know a person who spent the day skiing with Arnold in Park City) Arnold thrived from being in two worlds made up of midgets, body building and acting.

Being tall by Hollywood standards, Goldman, seemed to have learned through trial and error the shorter the actor, the more difficult. One of the worst was Burt Reynolds. (Reynolds lists his height at 5.10. According to insiders, that includes three inches of lifts in his boots) This was confirmed by my aunt’s good friend who wrote many successful screenplays. He told me Reynolds single-handedly destroyed a movie he wrote with his ego/insecurities.  

David Letterman’s World Wide Pants production staff, specifically producer Rob Burnett, mention Stallone and Reynolds repeatedly as the most difficult and rudest guests they’ve ever dealt. And yet, Burnett was absolutely gob-smacked when, during Dave’s bypass surgery, Reynolds tried to take advantage and asked to guest host.

Burt Reynolds football career at Florida State grew with his acting fame. He was on the team, there are pictures of him in uniform, but there is no evidence he received a scholarship - as he claims - and he only played a few minutes in four games. Just a few minutes of four games and Reynolds told people he seriously considered a career in the NFL.

And yet Reynolds was inducted into the Florida State Football Hall of Fame. His lack of size and speed were cited as reasons his football career was so hilariously, excuse me, short. 

According to Goldman and others, the main insecurities big-shot movie stars battle are shortness, lack-of-formal education, no faith in their acting skills, baldness, drug and alcohol dependence, and a desperate need to cover-up their particular sexual tendencies.

In Reynolds, it seems you get all of those in one. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Caught on Tape: Man Catches Shark With Bare Hands, Elliot Sudal Interview | Video - ABC News

Caught on Tape: Man Catches Shark With Bare Hands, Elliot Sudal Interview | Video - ABC News

There was a young man from Nantucket
Who saw a shark and he tugged it. 
The shark was trapped
So he started to snap
Kid's lucky he still has his nuggets. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

We ain’t gonna take no mess up in this address, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot, I am sweating like an NFL player talking to his parole officer.

Sort of a slow time in sports, baseball has the All Star break, basketball and hockey just ended and football is a couple months away. Or about 20 arrests away.

Sort of a slow time in sports, baseball has the All Star break, basketball and hockey just ended and football is a couple months away. It’s the one time of year all the steroid makers go on vacation.

Since the Super Bowl there have been 33 arrests involving NFL players. “Those NFL players need better self-control, professionalism and discipline;” said the entire crystal meth industry.

American 100 Meter record holder, Tyson Gay, tested positive for a banned substance; Gay confessed saying; “I don’t have any lies.” That’s refreshing. Steroid cheats, Ben Johnson, Marion Jones and Lance Armstrong lied about lying about lying about their lies.

Remember the Peter-Tweeter, Anthony Weiner? He is leading with a recent poll for Mayor of New York. Isn’t leading with a pole what got him in trouble?

Asiana Air is suing a bay area TV station for airing false and racially insensitive names of their Asiana pilots. Here are the names of the three interns at the NTSB who gave those names. Hugh Arscrewed, Wyatt Judewthat, and Cleo Nouturdesk.

Since you asked:
Not that this is going to win me a Nobel Peace Prize, but I believe two of the hottest women celebrities are both over 40. Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy.

Sexiness isn’t about age or even looks, although both are very pretty. Sexy is about that quality they have that makes the tuning fork ring in a guy’s – and many girls – groin-al regions. It almost can’t be defined. It just goes without saying a Hitchcock movie, some Chinese food and wine would eventually lead into a serious session of whaggadity, diggity, shnagity, wiggity. Nah, nah, nah.

Mooooooooooon rrrrrrriverrrrrrrrrr.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Bill Murray dies in zombieland (Full Version)

FCU: Fact Checkers Unit

This is, A, exactly who I would imagine it, and, B, probably what it is like, to hang with Bill Murray. 

Epic News Fail - Asiana Pilots Names Announced Incorrectly - Sum Ting Wong

As an alleged comedy writer, I cannot tell you how depressing this is. No way I can write something better than this.

It is hot, I am sweating like George Zimmerman at a 50 Cent concert.

It is going to be hot this week, I’m gonna sweat like Jenny McCarthy trying to get a word in on “The View.”

American 100 Meter record holder, Tyson Gay, tested positive for a banned substance; that is too bad, one of the few gay people out in sports and now he is suspended. 

Since you asked:

This is only 50% a joke. But I am seriously contemplating funding, producing and filming a documentary on how this "Capt. Sum Ting Wong" thing happened.

First of all, if you're an unpaid employee of the National Transportation Safety Board, an intern, you're life is not on the fast track to the White House. Hell, even the people getting paid at the NTSB don't want to work there. You're pissed. You're bored. You're probably a smart-ass C student in college, which I can totally relate. 

You see the plane crash at San Francisco on CNN - which was tragic in that three lives were lost and many ruined forever due to burns - but you know the calls from news shows around the country are going to start pouring in to get the pilot's names. And those production assistants are rude and pushy. 

Next comes the speculation that, because it is Asiana Airlines, the names will be Asian and possibly hard to pronounce and spell making the job of somebody not getting paid to be at the NTSB for a summer even more thankless. 

Then the joking starts. One name, two, before you know it you have all four wildly politically incorrect Asian pilot names describing in detail what happened and when. 

Because you're all young and bored, you decide to go out for beers in Georgetown to celebrate your incredible, but wildly under-appreciated, wit. Someone gets hammered. That someone decides to go back to the office because the train to their parents house in Reston, Virginia isn't for an hour. 

The office phone rings. The drunk intern who has fallen asleep head down on his desk, awakes with a start, wiping the drool off his face. On the phone it is some eager young production assistant for a local Bay Area news show, KTVU, channel 2, with reporters on the scene filming the story live, is trying to scoop the names of the pilots of the crash. (There is a three-hour time difference) 

As a drunk NTSB intern, you try to tell the aggressive P.A. you don't have the names yet. You have to repeat the names will not be given out until their next-of-kin can be notified. Being hyper-ambitious, the young production assistant in San Francisco does not take no for an answer. 

As the young drunk intern at NTSB, you think; "Fine, humorless, annoyingly persistent production assistant, you want names, I'll give you four doozies." 

Now I am positive the drunk intern at NTSB never, in his wildest imagination, thought those names would do anything other than make that annoying production assistant get laughed at but good by her co-workers. There is no way he thought those four names would not be figured out by, A, the annoying production assistant, B, their producer, C, the graphics guy, D, the news director and, E,  the anchor who read them like gospel on the air. 

Thinking they have scooped the world, the now excited, humorless production assistant types the names into the teleprompter being careful to spell them as they were given, and the guy in charge of the graphics writes them up on the screen and out on the air it goes. 

Epic fail.