Thursday, July 18, 2013

They gotta wants the schwanz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Tour de France leader, Britain, Chris Froome, became upset at a press conference over questions comparing him with drug-cheat, Lance Armstrong; wow, imagine how upset he would have gotten over questions about how nobody gives a crap about the Tour de France?

Comic-Con is in full swing in San Diego; good luck getting your computer problem fixed.

A “New York Times” study claims today’s college women want sex with instant gratification and no responsibilities; the conclusion of this study is that I went to college at the wrong time.

Britain has approved same sex marriage; wait, I’m confused, didn’t England already have same sex marriage? Aren’t Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles married?

San Diego Mayor, Bob Filner, refuses to resign despite numerous sexual harassment charges. Yesterday Filner attended the opening day at the Del Mar race track, but it didn’t go well. Filner  kept being mistaken for all the other horse’s asses.

Does everyone have Will and Kate Royal Baby Fever? It’s like when Kanye and Kim’s baby was born except the parents aren’t classless, sleazy idiots.

Britain has approved same sex marriage; great news for Sir Elton John, now the bitch is really back.

Since you asked:

You want an indication on how much talent there is in the comedy/acting world? How about Jane Lynch? Blows people away in movies, TV, plays, musicals. And nobody laid eyes on her until she stole the movie “Best in Show” at age 40. She had about three lines in “The Fugitive” as a researcher. More talent than anyone should ever have.

The more I read William Goldman, the more he damns famous actors with feint praise. Good to hear he thinks so much of Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman. And Robin Wright.

Why Robin Wright married possibly the biggest a-hole in Hollywood in Sean Penn is anybody’s guess. Not a huge fan of Madonna, but even she doesn’t deserve to get tied up and beaten until bones broke, as Penn did to her. Oh, and he hit her with a baseball bat.

Ran past them on the track around the water reservoir in Central Park, circa 1982. She was inconspicuous because she had just dyed her hair brown in her “Please take me seriously as an actress” phase. They were both incredibly slow runners, and short and slight. But my opinion of Penn was immediate: what a little bitchy punk. No kidding, when I ran past them I wanted to reach over and slap the sneer off Penn’s smug little face.

And he looked epically hung-over.

The actor who personifies everything Goldman hates is Dustin Hoffman. Serious case of short-man’s disease – he may not be five feet tall – and a huge ego combined with crippling insecurities. There is no amount of praise and compliments that could fill the vast void that is the giant hole in Hoffman’s soul despite his tiny, tiny body.

What makes the movie industry so awful when it is awful, according to Goldman, is the lying sleaze-balls that are the studio executives, and the explosive never-ending neediness of the deeply insecure movie stars. Exceptions seem to be Paul Newman – Redford is damned with no praise – Eastwood and Hackman.

Goldman – by his own admission – is abrasive and can’t stand fools. . (Bless his heart, Goldman is an old-school North Shore boy from Winnetka’s neighbor, Highland Park) And Goldman hates people who kiss ass almost as much as he hates people who demand their asses get kissed. That puts Goldman on the wrong side of many, many Hollywood types. Among the worst actors Goldman had to deal with were Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Hoffman, Streisand, Steve McQueen, Val Kilmer, Michael Douglass. (Believe it or not, he had nice things to say about Chevy Chase)

We all have love/hate relationships with big shot stars. We love it when they are good and good people, like Tom Hanks. But because we are kinda pissed off at how rich and famous they are, we love it when they turn out to be jerks. 

Thing I like aboout Goldman is he admits he is like us. He wants to know what big shot movie star is a phony. Who lies about, A, their height, their age, who claims to be nice, but is really a jerk, and who is lying about their sexuality. Nobody really cares if an actor is gay or not. Look at Jane Lynch and Neil Patrick Harris. We want to know who the liars, fakers and hypocrites are.

Good example of Hollywood being a land of little people: Arnold Schwarzenegger is considered a giant in Hollywood. He is maybe 6.0. (Know a person who spent the day skiing with Arnold in Park City) Arnold thrived from being in two worlds made up of midgets, body building and acting.

Being tall by Hollywood standards, Goldman, seemed to have learned through trial and error the shorter the actor, the more difficult. One of the worst was Burt Reynolds. (Reynolds lists his height at 5.10. According to insiders, that includes three inches of lifts in his boots) This was confirmed by my aunt’s good friend who wrote many successful screenplays. He told me Reynolds single-handedly destroyed a movie he wrote with his ego/insecurities.  

David Letterman’s World Wide Pants production staff, specifically producer Rob Burnett, mention Stallone and Reynolds repeatedly as the most difficult and rudest guests they’ve ever dealt. And yet, Burnett was absolutely gob-smacked when, during Dave’s bypass surgery, Reynolds tried to take advantage and asked to guest host.

Burt Reynolds football career at Florida State grew with his acting fame. He was on the team, there are pictures of him in uniform, but there is no evidence he received a scholarship - as he claims - and he only played a few minutes in four games. Just a few minutes of four games and Reynolds told people he seriously considered a career in the NFL.

And yet Reynolds was inducted into the Florida State Football Hall of Fame. His lack of size and speed were cited as reasons his football career was so hilariously, excuse me, short. 

According to Goldman and others, the main insecurities big-shot movie stars battle are shortness, lack-of-formal education, no faith in their acting skills, baldness, drug and alcohol dependence, and a desperate need to cover-up their particular sexual tendencies.

In Reynolds, it seems you get all of those in one.