Friday, May 10, 2013

The Los Angeles Dodgers have lost seven games in a row; there is a term in baseball for a team playing this badly: the Chicago Cubs.

Since you asked:

The Redskin's dick-head owner, Dan Snyder, finally did something right. (Even a blind squirrel find a nut now and agin') He said they will never bow to a vocal minority who want their name changed. 

Clearly a team could never be named the Redskins now, but at the time it was a usable term for Native American. Nobody wants to name their team a crappy name. You want it to be tough, cool and noble. At the time they were named the term Redskins was used a lot in Westerns.

Like it was yesterday, I can remember thinking the name Super Bowl was awful. Now I can't imagine it named anything else. But at the time it sounded like what an aging ad executive thought was a hip name like the Groovy Bowl. Or the Sock-it-to-me Bowl. Or the Yeah, Baby Bowl. 

For the sake of perspective:

It is good to reflect on how stupid we all are. And we are. How stupid am I? Not long ago, I was short on clean gym wear, so I gave a used t-shirt a college-laundry-day sniff and it sort of passed. Not great, but not too  bad. 

Then I went for a run. You know how cabbage doesn't smell like anything before it is boiled? Dirty t-shirts work the same way. When I got back from the run, it was pretty ripe. Was on my way to the shower.

But then I remembered I had to quickly drop off a document at an office building, so I jumped in the car. Whew. Not good. Open the window. 

When I got to the office building, I let a crowd go ahead of me before I got in the elevator so, me and my stinky shirt, could have the elevator to myself to the sixth floor. 

Dropped off the envelope, and was the only one in the hall when the elevator door opened. Got in, just when the doors were about to close, a hand popped in and into the elevator piled ten well-dressed business types, five men, five women, fresh out of a meeting. 

Trapped in the back, all I could notice was how badly my shirt - and me - smelled. People in the front started making throat-clearing noises. This was now the world's slowest elevator, it stopped at every floor, of course. A couple of women made a finger to nose gesture, cutting me a dirty look. Then a few more shuffled closer to the front, away from me. 

Now, my old buddy, Ronnie, when we worked together in a office building in downtown San Diego, many times would hot-box the crowded elevator (fart) and then turn to me and exclaim:

"Oh, dude, how could you. Jeeze?"

So I looked for an innocent victim to blame as a patsy in casual or better yet, gym clothes. But alas, nothing but expensive-looking suits. 

They knew it stunk in the elevator. They knew it was me. I knew it was me. So you think this is the stupid part? 

No, I actually stopped breathing through my nose so I wouldn't smell me thinking: if I can't smell me, they can't smell me. 

Got that? If I stopped myself from smelling me, somehow it would magically keep them from smelling me as well. 

That is dumber than a bashful dog taking a poop in front of you who turns away so he can't see you. His logic is, if he can't see you, you can't see him, so he positions his butt right in front of you. 

But even a dog knows when something stinks everyone can still smell it. 

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Hooters is offering free chicken wings on Mother’s Day; It’s called the; “Lady, clearly you didn’t raise your child right” special.

Lex's Comedy Writing Tip #32:

Time is a huge aid in self-editing. Although time can be an enemy of comedy - the more timely the better - time is a big help when it comes to correcting and even eliminating material.

When I write a joke that I think is good, my first question is: how did the world of comedy, nay the world in general, ever live without this joke? 

The next day I look at it and the same joke is seen as: It is a tad cumbersome, let's shorten it.

By that night, the world's greatest joke ever written is now: Why did I think that piece of crap was funny?

Every Mother's Day I get to be reminded of the stupidest thing I ever did not do: buy my wife a Mother's Day present when she was pregnant with our daughter.

Because I am stupid, I assumed that, A, she wasn't my mother, and B, she isn't technically a mother yet. 

I will never forget:

Sitting in a small advanced Speech Communication discussion group at UCSB, circa 1980, when the professor, kind of a snotty hypocrite because he railed against stuffiness when he was more than a little stuffy himself, asked the group:

"What is your opinion of Lieperstam's theorem that dialogue, reason and philosophy can transcend and solve all questions of logic, mathematics and science?" 

Then he wrote it on the board.  

This being a class full of people who took themselves very seriously, they all proceeded with lengthy and multi-referenced and oft-quoted responses, all clearly quite proud of their answers.

When it got to me, I said;

"I have absolutely no idea who said that, or what the hell they were talking about."

"Really?" Asked the professor, more than a little animated. "You have absolutely no response?"

"Nope." The looks of embarrassment and shame for me from my other classmates was obvious. Most looked down at their hands.

"That is interesting."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I made the whole thing up. There is no Lieperstam's theorem and therefore no correct response." 

Suddenly everyone else was red-faced and yet somehow pissed off at me at the same time for showing them up without trying.

The lesson? It is almost never better, if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, to baffle them with bullshit.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

All the boys think  she’s a spy, she’s got Betty Davis eyes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Have you seen the video of the driving dogs in New Zealand? The driving dogs would never make it in Los Angeles. They have neither a middle finger nor a trigger finger.

Donald Trump is planning on opening a golf course in Dubai; a vain, humorless egomaniac who can’t get along with even TV talk show hosts building a lavish resort in a country where they behead you for not praying enough. What could possibly go wrong?

Have you seen the interview of that awesome guy, Charles Ramsey, who rescued the three girls in Cleveland kidnapped for ten years? What a hero. Can you imagine anything worse? Those poor girls had to live in Cleveland for ten years. 

Tom Cruise has signed up to star in the fifth “Mission Impossible” movie. Tom is 50, he’s getting up there. In this one the impossible mission is not to pee on the toilet seat in the middle of the night.

Donald Trump has been in a series of nasty Twitter wars with Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and even Cher; today it got really bad, Donald Trump accidentally got in a Twitter fight with that thing on his head.

Since you asked:

Here is what has to happen with Donald Trump to get him to go away. Somebody has got to take one for the team and just, while on-camera with Trump, beat the holy living hell out of him. Sure, they’ll do jail time. Yes, Trump will sue him.

But once we see Trump’s hair flapping like galley door in a storm and hear his bitch-like screams and shrieks, watch him do a limp-wristed floppy hands defense and then wet his pants, it will not only be hysterical, but he will have to go away for a long time.

Sure, physically Trump is a fat old whore, it would be like beating up your drunk Aunt Mildred. But when you consider the damage Trump has done to investors, in the end, it would be fair.

For once Trump will not be able to lie about what happened. Of course, he’ll try, lying is like scowling for Trump, it just comes naturally. But, eventually Trump’s huge ego combined with his humiliation of taking a public beat-down will make him disappear. 

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Work it ‘til you twerk it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now you can buy Viagra online. This will bring new meaning to uploading to your hard drive.

Orb won the Kentucky Derby. Did you see the clip of Tom Brady celebrating the win at the Derby? He bet $4,700 and won $25,000. Maybe this will be the lucky break that will turn things around for poor Tom.

The Air Force's chief sexual assault prevention officer, Jeffrey Krusinski, was arrested in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman. Asked to comment how this could happen to the chief sexual assault prevention officer, Krusinski said; “Prevention. Why do I always forget that part?” 

Oddly, the chief sexual assault initiation officer was a perfect gentleman.

Justin Bieber was attacked by a fan at Dubai; witnesses say Bieber screamed like a little girl, fell over, but then returned later to grab his crotch, sniff and say; “Yo, see how I played that punk? Dude got served.”

Justin Bieber was attacked by a fan at Dubai; but someone ran from backstage and tackled the attacker. Good thing for Justin Ellen DeGeneres was there.

Taco Bell announced they are working on a new lower-end menu; so are they going to cut out the middle-man and just give you a bucket of diarrhea to throw in the toilet?

Since you asked:

There is a very good reason world class F*ckface Von Clownsticks like Donald Trump, are so insanely unlikeable. There is simply nothing more detestable than a pudgy, sour-faced weak whimp with a whispy comb-over bullying and pretending to be an alpha male.

We know real alpha males when we see them, that is one of the reasons we are so smitten by sports. Many actual alpha males are tremendous athletes because they would also have been tremendous warriors. The three most impressive I have ever met are Rafer Johnson, Stan Musial and Mark Messier. They just have an aura that says; “I will lead you into battle and we will not only win the war, but have fun doing it.”

Nobody in their right mind would follow that orange baboon Trump into a cupcake fight. Seriously, try to picture Donald Trump, in his youth, on a football field, let alone a battlefield. But put that bloated doll-haired fat-assed ninny in a boardroom with cameras rolling and suddenly he is the toughest guy in the world.

But Trump doesn’t stop there with his transparent weasel-ness. He uses the money he inherited and the free publicity he demands to leverage his Kardashian/Paris-Hilton-like unearned celebrity into a form of power. Hell, even Bruce Jenner was, a billion years ago, a gold medalist.

A good friend of mine had a friend who was a top Citibank executive when they bailed Trump out of bankruptcy for the first of four times, in 1991. The entire Trump industry was going to go under, but the problem for Citibank was there would have been a real estate meltdown in New York if that happened. Trump and his ego were too big to fail.

The Citibank executive said that, even though they had generously opted to save Trump’s ass, she could not believe the arrogance, contempt and condescending rudeness Trump displayed during the meetings. After several meetings with him, they, the Citibank brass, disliked Trump so much, they actually thought of letting the market tank just to spite him.

Would it shock anyone if the entire Trump house of cards turned into a Madoff-like scam? The two arrogant schmucks are cut out of the exact same cloth.

During the ESPN documentary, “30:30. Small Potatoes: Who Killed The USFL?” (Spoiler alert, it was Trump) in the early 80’s Trump still had the laughable comb-over, but he was much thinner and fairly good looking. They say you get the face you deserve? By sheer pompousness, Trump turned himself into a clay-colored prune of a guy who looks like he is pooping out a pine cone the wrong way. (Not that there is a right way to poop out a pine cone)

Doug Heller, the executive director of Consumer Watchdog, said Trump is the "most egregious, almost comical example" of the disparity between what the average American faces when going through bankruptcy and the "ease with which the rich can move in and out of bankruptcy."

Monday, May 06, 2013

Click on this to check out the McWowsie sisters

We got much-needed rain to help with the fires. We got more water than came from the tears from Reese Witherspoon’s publicist.

We wanted water as much as the Boston Bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, is about to get sick of water.

In rapid order, Donald Trump has gotten into bitter feuds with President Obama, “Modern Family” creator, Danny Zuker, and now Jon Stewart. I’m starting to think that thing on Trump’s head isn’t the only thing that needs a distemper shot.

Donald Trump is a feud with Jon Stewart over Stewart changing his name from Leibowitz. Trump’s name is an old German word that means; “Looks Like He’s Pooping a Pine Cone.”