Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Work it ‘til you twerk it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now you can buy Viagra online. This will bring new meaning to uploading to your hard drive.

Orb won the Kentucky Derby. Did you see the clip of Tom Brady celebrating the win at the Derby? He bet $4,700 and won $25,000. Maybe this will be the lucky break that will turn things around for poor Tom.

The Air Force's chief sexual assault prevention officer, Jeffrey Krusinski, was arrested in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman. Asked to comment how this could happen to the chief sexual assault prevention officer, Krusinski said; “Prevention. Why do I always forget that part?” 

Oddly, the chief sexual assault initiation officer was a perfect gentleman.

Justin Bieber was attacked by a fan at Dubai; witnesses say Bieber screamed like a little girl, fell over, but then returned later to grab his crotch, sniff and say; “Yo, see how I played that punk? Dude got served.”

Justin Bieber was attacked by a fan at Dubai; but someone ran from backstage and tackled the attacker. Good thing for Justin Ellen DeGeneres was there.

Taco Bell announced they are working on a new lower-end menu; so are they going to cut out the middle-man and just give you a bucket of diarrhea to throw in the toilet?

Since you asked:

There is a very good reason world class F*ckface Von Clownsticks like Donald Trump, are so insanely unlikeable. There is simply nothing more detestable than a pudgy, sour-faced weak whimp with a whispy comb-over bullying and pretending to be an alpha male.

We know real alpha males when we see them, that is one of the reasons we are so smitten by sports. Many actual alpha males are tremendous athletes because they would also have been tremendous warriors. The three most impressive I have ever met are Rafer Johnson, Stan Musial and Mark Messier. They just have an aura that says; “I will lead you into battle and we will not only win the war, but have fun doing it.”

Nobody in their right mind would follow that orange baboon Trump into a cupcake fight. Seriously, try to picture Donald Trump, in his youth, on a football field, let alone a battlefield. But put that bloated doll-haired fat-assed ninny in a boardroom with cameras rolling and suddenly he is the toughest guy in the world.

But Trump doesn’t stop there with his transparent weasel-ness. He uses the money he inherited and the free publicity he demands to leverage his Kardashian/Paris-Hilton-like unearned celebrity into a form of power. Hell, even Bruce Jenner was, a billion years ago, a gold medalist.

A good friend of mine had a friend who was a top Citibank executive when they bailed Trump out of bankruptcy for the first of four times, in 1991. The entire Trump industry was going to go under, but the problem for Citibank was there would have been a real estate meltdown in New York if that happened. Trump and his ego were too big to fail.

The Citibank executive said that, even though they had generously opted to save Trump’s ass, she could not believe the arrogance, contempt and condescending rudeness Trump displayed during the meetings. After several meetings with him, they, the Citibank brass, disliked Trump so much, they actually thought of letting the market tank just to spite him.

Would it shock anyone if the entire Trump house of cards turned into a Madoff-like scam? The two arrogant schmucks are cut out of the exact same cloth.

During the ESPN documentary, “30:30. Small Potatoes: Who Killed The USFL?” (Spoiler alert, it was Trump) in the early 80’s Trump still had the laughable comb-over, but he was much thinner and fairly good looking. They say you get the face you deserve? By sheer pompousness, Trump turned himself into a clay-colored prune of a guy who looks like he is pooping out a pine cone the wrong way. (Not that there is a right way to poop out a pine cone)

Doug Heller, the executive director of Consumer Watchdog, said Trump is the "most egregious, almost comical example" of the disparity between what the average American faces when going through bankruptcy and the "ease with which the rich can move in and out of bankruptcy."