Saturday, April 27, 2013

Very cool. Old-Timey and New-Timey

A woman in China killed a man by squeezing his testicles until he went into shock and died; upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton, Maria Shriver and Kim Kardashian all said; “Wait, you can do that?” 

The term for squeezing a man's testicles until he goes into shock and dies is now called a Gloria Allred Handshake. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

This right here my good buddy, Stewie McRosco.

LSU cornerback and NFL middle round draft pick, Tharold Simon, was arrested after he told a Eunice, Louisiana policeman the officer would be fired if he wrote him a parking ticket. Simon was charged with resisting arrest and impersonating Reese Witherspoon. 

There is a condom brand, J.D.’s, that looks and tastes like bacon; thus creating the world’s worst ever Mother’s Day present.

In China, a woman is on trial for murder for squeezing a man’s testicles until he died. If acquitted, she will be hired by the Chinese government to get the US to pay-off our loans.

In Utah, a Mormon Bishop attacked a mugger with a Samurai sword; and no, that is not an episode of “The Simpsons.”

Since you asked:

When I smell that someone has passed gas on a plane - and they always do - I like to find the ugliest, least-likeable person I can and mentally blame them and glare angrily. 

Usually it is a Donald Trump-looking mother- effer. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

She had me at c*nt-punt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman is accused of squeezing a man’s testicles until he died. That Reese Witherspoon is out of control.

In China, a woman is on trial for murder for squeezing a man’s testicles until he died. She is pleading not guilty by reason of PMS.

So let’s review. To escape the FBI and police, the younger Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, cowers in a boat in somebody’s backyard. Not exactly Jason Bourne, is he?

After her husband was arrested for drunk driving, Reese Witherspoon said; “Do you know who I am?” and was arrested for disorderly conduct. The real crime? Being a douche-bag celebrity who asks; “Do you know who I am?” 

Here is an interesting sports question:

What do Ashton Eaton, Bryan Clay, Trey Hardee, Dan O’Brien, Dave Johnson, Tom Pappas, Steve Fritz and Chris Huffins all have in common? They are US Decathletes who scored higher than Bruce “Why am I such an ass-hat?” Jenner.

The greatest athlete nobody ever heard of? Bob Coffman. Won the US Olympic Trials in the Decathlon in 1980. The problem? We didn’t send a team to the Olympics in 1980. Historically this Olympic boycott pans out as one of the most useless gestures ever. It didn’t just screw the 1980 Moscow Olympics. It screwed the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics because the then-communist countries boycotted it making both watered-down token Olympics.

If I am an NFL G.M.? I send a private jet to pick up London Olympic Decathlon Silver Medalist, Trey Hardee, and have him work out primarily to see if he can a, catch a football, b, block. Then I do whatever it takes/cost to sign him. Then do the same thing with Olympic trial # 3 finisher, Gray Horn, #4, Joe Detmer, #5 Chris Helwick and #6, Ryan Harlen.

Hard pass on Detmer, he only weighs 160.

But all of the above have unusual all-around athletic skills that include speed and strength and coordination. All know how to work out for many hours a day. Unless they are unusually adverse to being tackled or tackling and blocking, - which I seriously doubt because 99% of Decathletes are tougher than a Las Vegas 99 cent all-you-can-eat buffet steak - they would at the very least be valuable special teams players.

Many guys I trained with at UCSB - circa 1980 - I know, without a doubt, would have been contributing members to just about any NFL team, especially one Ron Wopat, a Lawrence University Hall of Fame tight end.

No question the intangible skill of loving to hit and hitting hard is a huge factor, but I am sure many, many top Decathletes in the US played football or soccer or basketball at some point. 

And there is at least one Hall of Fame football player who couldn't hit: Deion Sanders.

And I have been tackled really hard and I have run a really hard 1500 meters. Guess which one hurt more? 1500. 

Hell, test most of the Olympic top ten finishers. Most are over 6.2 and 200 pounds. At the time he retired from the Decathlon, at 6ft, 203, Daley Thompson, would have been one of the fastest guys in the NFL, a sure 4.4 forty.

Hell, my last act as a 100% healthy athlete my senior year was running a 4.5 40 for football right before I tore my hamstring, and my 100 meters at the Junior Nationals Decathlon a month before at Cal State Hayward was only 11.5 hand-timed. Thompson ran 10.4. automatic.

Look at awesome Green Bay wide receiver Jordy Nelson at 6.3, 217. A decent track athlete in college. Ran a so-so 4.51 40, 31 vertical leap and 10.3 standing long jump. Those would be dreadful stats for a 7,000 plus Decathlete. Ashton Eaton scored over 9,000. 

There is no doubt in my mind most top-scoring Decathletes can clock a faster-than 4.4 40, bench press 225 at least 15 times. Minimum 10.5 foot standing long jump and a 38-inch vertical leap. 

These are numbers that make NFL scouts sprout weapons-grade pine.