Friday, March 08, 2013

“Hangover 3” comes out this summer. At this point isn’t it just an episode of “Celebrity Rehab?”

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, has enrolled in dog training classes; that’s like Kim Kardashian going to charm school.

Horse meat has been found in Taco Bells in Britain. Leave it to the English to find a way to make the food at Taco Bell worse. 

Thursday, March 07, 2013

It was a little awkward when former President George W. Bush was informed the Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, died, he extended his condolences to the people of Venice.

Actor Russell Crowe claims he saw a UFO in Australia. In Russell’s case, UFO stands for Unlimited Fosters Opened. 

Since you asked:

Now, I am guilty of laying down the stupid and the silly in this here, but I want to get serious for a little bit about an experience I had that was both awful and wonderful. Sometimes life gives us those moments to keep us on our toes.

Due to a tragedy, I attended the memorial service of an amazing young woman. Everybody was deeply shaken and crying. 

But there was one sweet girl in the back, brown hair, a little heavy, about 13, special-needs, who was inconsolable.  The woman who died and this sweetheart of a girl were clearly very close.

Until then, I had not spent much time thinking about that word inconsolable, but this poor little thing made me redefine it.

Without a trace of embarrassment or pretense or a slight hint of any kind of filter, she just openly poured out her grief:

"Why, Mommy? Why did this happen?"

Her mother tried to console her, but, well, she was inconsolable.

"Why did she go? I won't ever see her again, will I?"

Each time she spoke it was like getting punched in the heart by an angel. To hear that much unqualified and amazing love was a blessing. To hear how much pain it caused this kind, gentle lamb of a girl was excruciating. 

Part of me couldn't take it. Part of me couldn't stop listening. 

And then came the knockout punch;

"Did I do something wrong, Mommy?" 

That's all I have to say about that. 

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

And now, let's cut to another round of "Top Chopped."


"Contestants, this is the appetizer round. Open your food baskets. You have Zingwababa root, hockey pucks, Elmer's glue and monkey elbows. You have five minutes."

Cut to judge #1:

"Oh, this is exciting, monkey elbows and Zingwababa root are the steak and french fries of fine Djibouti dining." 

Judge #2:

"Yes, but how will they re-purpose and incorporate the hockey pucks with the Elmer's Glue? Those are ingredients normally found in the dessert round." 

P.S. Overly pierced and tattooed chef using molecular cooking, the anti-griddle and a CO2 dispenser. You're a flaming douche bag and everybody knows it, but you. 
A student at Torrey Pines highs school in San Diego, was diagnosed with neither ADHD, OCD, Dyslexia, Asperger's nor even a peanut allergy. What makes this so tragic is there are currently no programs, either state or federal, in place to support this unique condition. 

Asked to comment, the parents asked to remain anonymous and said they will try to continue to support their child emotionally, as well as financially, until some correction in the system occurs that would allow them to garner funding. 

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Top 25 greatest songs ever

Besides the glaring errors of no Beatles, not even "Yesterday" "Smoke on the Water" included, not enough Stones or Led, it being Queen heavy and having Garbage #3, not too bad. 

Happy Six Month Birthday to Walter Payton Kaseberg. Wally "Too Cute" Tkaczuks has been putting the Cuss in Ruckus for half-a-year. 

Lamborghini has listed their newest car at $4 million; it’s the new, limited edition Countach Sosorryyoutinyapee-pee.

Since you asked:

My Fantasy Actresses team, The Cool Hot Babes of Jennifer Lawrence, Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Ana Faris, just kicked the holy living hell out of The Diva Beyatches, Julia Roberts, Madonna, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lopez

Monday, March 04, 2013

Happy National Grammar Day. This are ones of my's favoriter holidays 'cause there going to through a party hear and over their. (Noticer whose me didn't end with a proposition? That were right goodly) 

They asked a high school student what he thought about today being National Grammar and he said; "I knew there was a mother's day and a father's day, but I didn't know there was a grammar day. Happy Grammar Day, Grammar." 

Well slap me baffy and call me Betty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. 

That woman who claimed she won a $5,000 online  baby-name contest? It was a hoax. This is good news for the baby, it was going to be named Side-boob LMAO Dork-Hashtag.

In Scotland, workers at Chivas accidentally flushed 5,000 gallons of whisky. The Scottish Parliament held an emergency meeting to declare a state of emergency and a week of mourning.

Wasting both money and whisky, the ultimate Scottish nightmare.

The huge emotional debate in golf now is the proposed 2016 belly-putter ban. Yes, folks, golf really is that boring.

Guess who signed the republican brief to the Supreme Court to allow gay marriage? Clint Eastwood. Now his catchphrase is; “Go ahead, punk, make my DaHaaaaayyyyyyyy.” 

When did side-boob become a thing? Oh yeah, Ed McMahon. 

 Will now refer to my wonderful puppy, Wally, as my side-boob. 

"Side-Boob Wally" is my new band. 

Since you asked:

Funny the urges you get. For whatever reason, I am jonesing for an old school Wisconsin Tavern/Steakhouse. 

When you walk in you can't see because of the dark stain-glassed windows, and you get a buzz from the smell of fresh butter, freshly-baked bread and sizzling steaks. The Old Styles are frosty and the waitress is named Dotty who calls everybody Honey.  

Since you asked, 2:

“My artistic cooking style is to repurpose flavor component levels using seasonal, locally grown, sustainable organic produce,” says every douche-bag, overly-tattooed chef alive. 

Me? Going to boil me some beef ribs in water and coke and finish them on the grill with a knockout home made peach marmalade barbeque sauce. Baked beans and fruit salad.