Saturday, February 09, 2013

Grammy bans side-boob. Does this mean Kanye can't go with Kim? 

Sports Nutrition 101, circa 1968:

Coach: : 

"Hey, you there. Lineman # 76. You're too damn small. I want you to eat like an elephant and crap like a bird. Hey, you there, tight end # 87. You're too big. I want you to eat like a bird and crap like an elephant." 

Friday, February 08, 2013

Devil plus California Raisin Equals this:

What the what-the, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

“Joe Jackson looks like if a California raisin f*cked the devil.”

-The always awesome Nick Kroll

J.D. Powers and Associates ranked Verizon the number one wireless phone service provider with T-Mobile fourth. Who was fifth? Some guy selling tin cans with strings?

Once again prompting people to ask: “What the hell is J.D. Powers and Associates?”

French forces battling Islamist militants in northern Mali captured a strategic airport near the Algerian border. Thus marking the first time in any of our lives we have heard the words French forces battling and capture.

In England, beef lasagna products are being recalled for containing over 60% horse meat. I’ve bet on entries at Santa Anita that weren't 60% horse meat.

The Northeast is bracing for a nasty winter storm; but we here in Southern California have our weather issues too. Today it rained, and last night it got so cold the temperature was down to those things below fifty. What are they called? Oh, yeah, forties.

Four Gay Guys Watch the Grammys

Picture, if you will, a hard wood floor, oriental rugs, brick walls, window treatments loft in Brooklyn. Four nattily attired gay men in the early thirties adorned with thinly-trimmed beards, pork pie hats and skinny jeans and V-neck t-shirts, are sipping smart cocktails and watching the Grammys.


“Oh, look, Chris Brown is there. I thought since they said no cleavage we wouldn’t see that boob.”


“I hear he had trouble finding a date to beat up.”


“Oh, look, there’s Tay-Tay, Taylor Swift. You go, T-Swizzle. You know, I wonder if I was straight if I would find her sexy? Nope, I wouldn’t.”


“If you were straight you would be the second straight guy named Lance.”


“But with twice the nuts.”

(They jump up and all four miss their attempted high-fives)


“Oh, there’s Beyonce. Did you see her at the Super Bowl halftime doing her Godzilla impression? OK, we get it, stomp, stomp, snarl, repeat.”


“You watched the Super Bowl? Please.”


“My partner, Gregario, is going through some sort of butch phase. Did you know those players wear their pants all kinds of tight? You can almost see their DNA.”


“I know, huh? That Ray Lewis? He can stab me any time.”


“Focus, girls. Back to the Grammys. There’s Pink. In my next life I want to come back as a color.”


“With your luck it would be Avocado. Oh, look, there is that bitter old dinosaur Alanis Morisette. Here’s a dictionary, sweety, look up the word Ironic.”


“Really. A fly in your chardonnay? That’s a bummer, honey, not irony.”


“And while you’re at it, tell your buddy, Stevie Nicks, when a snow covered hill comes down it is an avalanche, not a landslide.” 

And that is how we play:

Four Gay Gays Watching the Grammys

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Supermodel Bar Refaeli Cold Open - The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Hollah to a ballah when you follah in the hall,  uh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 mil. Donald Trump sure gets into a lot of nasty fights with other celebrities. You would think if anyone could just brush over a problem, it would be Donald Trump. 

Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens retired after winning the Super Bowl; Ray said he wants to spend more time with the next person he is going to stab

Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for the $5 mil. Maher said he would donate to charity if Trump could prove he was not related to a orangutan. Trump sure showed Maher, he is related to a baboon. 

During the post-game Super Bowl celebration, the Lombardi Trophy went missing. The good news? They found it. The bad news? Ray Lewis used it to bludgeon someone to death. 

Since you asked:

It has been a long time since I have seen two groups of folks who deserve each other as much as the Duke frat brats of Doucha Krappa Suckma and the angry protestors over their Asian-themed party.

Let's put most of the blame on the snotty frat schmucks. They go to Duke, so they can't be that stupid. So let's slide the scale over to the pompous, arrogant jerks side. They knew what was going to happen and they did it anyway.

Now the protestors. Really? You don't have something else to be upset about? Are you really that entitled and desperate to be offended? 

My fraternity used to throw an Italian Wedding. We wore gaudy suits and hats from thrift stores and plastic cigars and machine guns. We marched down the street carrying the bride on a chair and it was fun. 

Today we would be up to our asses in Italian American defamation protestors. 

But we would never be stupid/arrogant enough to try and hold an Italian wedding in this era of over-entitlment and politically correct whiners. 

And we had some amazingly arrogant guys in my fraternity. 

"Shrek's" Lord Farquaad and the reconstructed Richard III. Separated at birth? 


During the Super Bowl, there was a 35-minute blackout; or as Charlie Sheen calls a 35 -minute blackout: a nice little break in the day. 

It has been 100 hours since the Super Bowl and Ray Lewis still hasn’t stabbed anyone. 

The Burger Kings in England admitted to using horse meat in their hamburgers; this upsetting news explains why, at the London Burger King headquarters, the executives have such long faces.

A St. Louis Applebee’s has come under social network attack after they fired a waitress who posted online a rude comment written from a customer, a pastor, who did not leave a tip. Millions of people who already hate Applebee’s now hate it even more.

The Burger Kings in England admitted to using horse meat in their hamburgers; when asked how many years they’ve been using horse meat, one Burger King executive stomped out the number four with his foot.

Here is my question: does Ray Lewis have a cat named Stabby the tabby?