Friday, October 05, 2012

Thursday, October 04, 2012

 Minus this
Equals this

Arnold Schwarzenegger says his affair was the stupidest thing he’s ever done; and that is saying something from the guy who made “Jingle all the Way.”

A group of South Carolina teenagers have been arrested after they broke into a house to party and they posted pictures of it on Facebook; they’re charged with breaking and entering, burglary, vandalism, destruction of private property and being too stupid to live.

For the third time, an American Airlines flight had to be diverted due to a row of seats coming loose; the passengers were immediately charged a $100 relocation fee.

The Cincinnati Reds’ Homer Bailey pitched the season’s seventh no-hitter. Since it was a guy named Homer, is it considered a “Doh” Hitter? Let’s all hope not.

In the Chicago Bears win over the Dallas Cowboys, Bear QB Jay Cutler was seen on the bench being dismissive of his offensive coordinator, Mike Tice. If Cutler is going to continue to be a rude prima donna, he will have no choice but to play soccer for France. 

Since you asked:

There are a poop-ton of things I cannot understand. How do those potpourri and knick-knack stores stay in business?  How come ten thousand people don’t decide to go to the same restaurant all at once? How can the FOX show “Masterchef” afford such an awesome kitchen and a private jet with its name on it? How can aircraft carriers float? Jets fly? How does Laird Hamilton get paid so much to do what the rest of us would call vacation, albeit very well, but still, he gets paid to surf on his own.

But moving to the front of the list? How can the San Diego Sockers have nine fairly smoking hot cheerleaders?

To review, the San Diego Sockers are in indoor soccer team. We have a former-soccer-Dad friend who joined the team. They are good and fun to watch. But when I have gone to the games there are maybe 200 people there. Maybe. My band played before bigger groups. I have performed stand up to more people. More people read this dumb blog everyday for crying-out-loud.

And yet the Sockers have a roster of 19 players that I presume the pay something, nice uniforms and they travel to Arizona, Dallas and Mexico.

And now the Sockers have a cheerleading team of nine extremely attractive young women. The San Diego Chargers cheerleaders make something like $20 a game. These Socker cheerleaders must be paying to perform.

That settles it. Starting right now, I am going to hold auditions for a squad of Lex’s Stand Up Paddleboard Surfing cheerleaders.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Battle Of the Paddle 2012 Aerial Filming of Stand Up Paddleboard Surfing...

Haz some cheese sammich, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Stop trying to make 'fetch a thing. It isn't going to happen) 

There is an Internet search engine that only searches for porn. Because it is so hard to find porn on the Internet. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoir is 656 pages long. But 232 of those pages are bulked-up from steroids.

Justin Bieber has thrown up on stage twice on his tour; Usually the only people who throw up at a Justin Bieber concert are the music critics.

Target employees are instructed to use the word Amazing more. As in; It is amazing how depressing it is to work at Target.

A study shows British men’s penises are larger than French and German men’s penises. So apparently the British don’t just have a stiff upper lip. 

The study is titled: Holy Crap is This Study Gay.

Red Lobster is producing a menu for people who don’t like seafood; well, it isn’t really a menu, it is directions to the closest Sizzlers.

Since you asked:

Saw a really good “No Reservations” on On Demand with Anthony Bourdain, “Burgundy”. Yes, Bourdain is full of himself, but why not? The guy gets paid to travel, eat and get hammered.

Many of those shows are interesting and feature way too much swearing and drunken idiocy by Bourdain.

But the star of “Burgundy” was France. Yes, I love to make jokes about the French, but I am mostly French. My Dad’s mother, my grandmother, Lillian, was 100% French. Everyone else in my lineage were German/Scottish/English mutts.

One thing you have to give to the French is that they love to love.

My “Since you asked” on love got some good reactions. We all know the most important thing is how much you love. First, your family and then your friends.

But love doesn’t stop there.

You can love music. You can love art. You can love poetry. And you should.

The French people in Burgundy seem to love everything, and it shows. They love their town, their wine, their food, their houses – which are gorgeous – their language, their clothes.

Joie de vivre, Slats and Nugs, joie de vivre.

People talk about the French Paradox. The French smoke, eat heavy sauces and sausages and drink more wine than Americans, yet they are far healthier. So, since we like to simplify everything, we write it off to the wine.

Anyone with any sense knows that isn’t it.

Picture a poor, old, lonely wretch sitting alone in his popcorn-ceiling, fly-buzzing, hot, studio apartment next to a freeway in smoggy  Cerritos, CA. He is eating his dinner on a trey in front of the TV while watching “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” His dinner consists of sausage smothered in a creamy butter sauce and he is drinking wine and smoking a cigarette.

Now picture the same old guy outside in a gorgeous flower-laden sunny backyard in Burgundy France, surrounded by his loving family, dogs barking, children running and laughing, music playing, oak wood smoking. And he is eating the same meal: sausage smothered in a creamy butter sauce and he is drinking wine and smoking a cigarette.

The prior will be dead in a year. The latter will live to be a feisty 100.

THAT is the French paradox.

Haz some, Torns and Ranches. 
 This (Stan Laurel)
 Plus this (Bitchy Kristen Stewart)
Equals this (Jay Cutler) 

Labrador puppies in slow motion

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

It is hot. I'm sweating like New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, when he heard about the bacon shortage.

A survey claims Wrigley Field is the filthiest Major League ballpark; which is surprising knowing how many times the Chicago Cubs get swept.

A survey reveals British men's penises are larger than French and German men's penises. The survey is called; "The Gayest Survey Ever." 

For the second time, an American Airlines flight had to be diverted due to a loose row of seats; passengers became suspicious when they discovered they actually had some legroom. 

Since you asked:

About ten seconds ago, Jay Cutler needs to decide if he wants to be remembered as a guy who makes great plays at Quarterback or a world class dick. It is up to him.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

Monday, October 01, 2012

California bans this shock therapy to scare gay teen boys into being straight. 

Since you asked:
So what, you ask, is on the menu at the Casa Lexicasicon's for the Boys-Bears? Sliders, beans and beers.

20% fat ground sirloin. King Hawaiian rolls, melted Havarti, sauteed onions and a pickle with goop sauce. (Ketchup, mayo, Worcestershire) 

P.S. Sliders and Beans were my '70's folk duo. We opened for Seals and Crofts. (Effers stole "Summer Breeze" from us)