Saturday, September 08, 2012

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair"

Neil Diamond -  "I am I Said" 

Friday, September 07, 2012

Skeezer, skeezeer, bunkaneezer, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Former Giant, Michael Strahan, joined Kelly Ripa to cohost “Live with Kelly and Michael.” It was a smart move by ABC, they can sell a lot of advertising space in between that gap in Strahan’s teeth.

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has turned down Kim Kardashian’s’ request for a star on Hollywood Blvd. It was for sanitary reasons; they didn’t want Hollywood Blvd to contract a sexually transmitted disease.

Hollywood turned down Kim Kardashian’s’ request for a star on Hollywood Blvd. Love this because the people who gave a star to Vanna White and the Rugrats, said no. That’s like NJ Gov., Chris Christie, turning down a pizza.

The latest trend in tattooing? Anal tattoos. Warning, whoever you want your anal tattoo to look like, it will bear an uncanny resemblance to Geraldo Rivera.

Snooki had a baby they named Lorenzo.  They were gonna do that celebrity trend of naming babies after where they were conceived, like Malibu, Tahoe, London, Brooklyn. But then they would have had to name him: Olive Garden Parking Lot.

There is a new online test to see if you may be getting Alzheimer’s, but I can’t seem to remember to take it.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

You notice what I noticed? Head swing way too far to the right. Causes instability. 

Hollywood declined Kim Kardashian's request for a star on Hollywood Blvd. They cited the rule that the person receiving the star must be more talented than the cement slab it is placed on.

That and they don't want Hollywood Blvd. to catch an STD.

Snooki had a baby boy and they named him Lorenzo; they decided not to go with the Hollywood trend of naming the baby after where it was conceived, like London, Brooklyn, Malibu and Tahoe. Then they would have to name the baby Olive Garden Parking Lot.

Are you ready for some football? The Cincinnati Bengals are so pumped up they chest-bumped their parole officers. 

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Stand Up Paddle Surfing - Small Surf...Still Fun

As I have said, I am an official undeclared, but if I was advising the democrats, here is what they should do at their convention:

Have Sylvester Stallone trot out and talk to an empty chaise lounge. But not any chaise lounge, one where a manicurist is buffing invisible Mitt's nails, waitresses are bringing him tropical drinks and a cabana boy is fanning him.


"Yo, Mitt, nice beach house. Sorry I am late, but I got stuck in the elevator from your garage. I'm a hole hour off. Like your running mate and his marathon time. 

Nice campaign  you're running. You're really on top of things. Like your dog on your car."

You got the idea . . . 

Steve Nash: What Happens After Practice

I love Newman's Own Roadside Virgin Lemonade so much I am going to take it behind the bar and get it pregnant, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Khloe Kardashian has launched a new fragrance; not a perfume, she ate a sausage sandwich that didn’t agree with her, and she launched a fragrance.

Khloe Kardashian has launched a new fragrance called “Unbreakable.” It is named after her hold on bad taste.

Some interesting new facts in “No Easy Day” about our Navy Seals killing Osama bin Laden. For example, right when they burst into the room, bin Laden yelled out; “Don’t tase me, bro.”

Oh my goodness...

When they attacked Osama bin Laden, they were playing “Call me, maybe” on their helicopter speakers. 

Is it just me did the republican convention look like an insurance seminar and the democratic convention looks like a Lionel Richie concert?

The democrats are not going to be outdone. Instead of Clint Eastwood rasping at a chair, they’ll have Sylvester Stallone mumbling at a Chaise Lounge. 

Since you ask:

It is official, I dub this summer the summer of surfing with leopard sharks in La Jolla cove, quaffing  ice-cold Newman's Own lemonade and grilling fresh seafood. 

The holy triumvirate.

Would pay serious coin for an update on my spellchecker that would be personalized and critical. When I butcher the spelling of a word that even the Internet can't fix, I want to get properly reamed out. Instead of (no spelling suggestions) I want it to say;

"Oh, dude, are you kidding me? How do you not know there is a Q in Acquiesce? You call yourself an effing writer? You once misspelled misspelled." 

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Did this once. Not on purpose, but I did it.

A New Jersey woman "suffers" from Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder - or PGAD - which causes her to have over 100 orgasms a day. She is currently treating her ailment with a heavy dose of absolutely nothing. 

Since you asked: 
Had what at least I thought was an interesting idea on why football is so beloved by fans, including me. Had the thought after watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO. 

Miami coach, Joe Philbin, is very much like a good general. Most good coaches are. Vince Lombardi would no doubt have been a great general as Patton would have been a great football coach.

Football requires the same elements of a crack special forces unit. Talented and brave men well-trained with a ton of discipline. 

There is war -or battle - then there are sports, then there are mere games. Football is not war. Nobody - hopefully - is going to die. But the risk of serious injury is very high. So that, by my book, makes it more than just a normal sport.

This aspect of containing an element of battle includes hockey, rugby, polo - both land and water - boxing, wrestling, soccer and basketball to name a few. 

Volleyball, for example, is a beautiful and wonderful sport requiring amazing athletic skills. But there is no element of human-on-human contact. 

Track is a normal sport. It is a great sport. But it is not close to a battle. 

Although I have never been in a battle - knock on wood - I have been in some great football games, and they sure felt like a battle albeit a practice version of a battle. 

Baseball is a sport. It is a great sport. Only the most coordinated of athletes can hit a moving 95-mile-an-hour fastball or throw one. But besides the occasional base running confrontation, there isn't a lot of contact.

Here is a rule I use: if people can and do drink booze while participating in it, it is more of a game than a sport. PGA golf is a real sport. Some slob in a cart on a muni course swilling beers and smoking a cigar is a game. Baseball is a sport. Softball is a game.

Bowling is a game. Badminton is a game as is ping pong. Sure you can hurt yourself playing ping pong, but you can also  hurt yourself taking a bath.

Different football coaches have different styles. Philbin is like a strict general. He can say the F-word, but he does not allow his players to use it to him. He is their leader, he demands respect.

Rex Ryan wants his troops to be more rebels and rascals. The Raiders have always been like that. The Packers have not. 

A special forces leader may encourage individualism and creativity and allow pony tails and tattoos. Some want cookie-cutter soldiers. 

It is the same with football. 

Apologies to John Snake

Just re-reading parts of Eagles amazing guitarist, Don Felder's biography, "Heaven and Hell" and the heaven was in 1973 to 1976. 

That is when they went from rental cars and Holiday Inns to private planes and luxury suites. 

1976 to 1981? Hell. 

From '73 to '75, their venues went from clubs and college gyms to baseball and football stadiums. 

Their lifestyles went from renting a hippy cottage in Topanga Canyon to homes on top of Laurel Canyon and on the beach in Malibu with ocean views. 

Their cars from rusty trucks to Mercedes and BMW's. 

Their groupies/girlfriends went from kinda cute, but eager college sophomores to movie starlets and then models and rock/movie stars. 

Sure there was infighting and pressure and drugs, but it was mostly pot and long neck Buds, with the stronger stuff used to push through a late night of recording/partying. 

Lots of love and appreciation for Joe Walsh and Timothy B. Schmidt, but after Leadon and Meisner quit, the Eagles' world turned into a corporate monster (See: Irving Azoff)  of raging drug addicts and out-of-control egos, silly demands, stupidly lavish waste, orgies and spending that would smash anyone's moral compass to dust in a way you wouldn't wish on a vile enemy. 

Not really sure the now-bitter Henley and the monstrosity ego of Frey made it out of this rampage with their souls undamaged. Their brutal disloyalty to Felder stands as heart-breaking evidence.   

It is almost impossible to measure the damage caused by greed, drugs and egos that could cause the same essential group of artists who did the gorgeous "Desperado" "Hotel California" and "Seven Bridges Road" could create and release those rancid pieces of fetid, bloody vomit that are "Disco Strangler" and "The Greeks Don't Want No Freaks." 

"Let's see if you remember this song. Hell, let's see if I remember this song."

Joe Walsh in concert. 

Monday, September 03, 2012

Dog Patch Stand Up Paddle Session

This is fun.