Tuesday, September 20, 2011

SUP Stand up paddle boarding video

Kiwis gettin' her done, redux

You rush a miracle man you get rotten miracles*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Modern Family” won the Emmy for best comedy; “Modern Family” depicts three funny, dysfunctional families including a gay couple. The gay couple constantly bickers, but in the end they love each other. You know, like Mitt Romney and Rick Perry.

“Mad Men” won the Emmy for best dramatic series. “Mad Men” depicts men who drank heavily on the job. Or as we call that: congress.

There is a new smart phone app that connects people who have to use a bathroom to people’s homes. It’s called Not-If-It’s-a-Deuce.com.

President Barack Obama has called for $1.5 trillion in tax increases primarily on the wealthy. When Donald Trump heard this, he got so upset he nearly fell off of his pure gold toilet.

President Barack Obama has called for $1.5 trillion in tax increases primarily on the wealthy. When she heard this, Oprah Winfrey said; “Wow, $1.5 trillion is a lot, I can barely pay that. Oh, you mean spread between other rich folks? Fine.”

When Newt Gingrich heard this he asked if he could put his share of taxes on his Tiffany expense account.

There are a lot of high school reunions planned for the Fall; good news guys, there is a way to lose 20 pounds in one week. The bad news? You have to give birth to a large baby to do it.

"Anyone know what happened in the Falcons-Eagles game? I missed it because I had to watch the Emmy Awards;" said no straight guy in the country.

Not sure some of these Fall shows are going to make it. Like "Two and a Half Staph Infections," "Real Housewives of Menopausia" and "CSI: Transylvania, Special Vampire Unit."

NASA is going to allow a bus-sized satellite to crash to earth. They got the idea from the Seattle Mariners.

Since you asked:

*Rotten Miracles is my new Seventies hits cover band.

Congratulations to Natasha Leggero. Just saw her on "TTSWJL" and she is off to certain and well-deserved big time stardom. Maybe not with this new show, but with something. Smart, hot, funny, sexy and from Illinois. Lord, why are there so few of us?

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Rolling Stones - All Down the Line

If it is possible for a Rolling Stones song to be underrated, this is it.
Release the crackin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the VMA’a Jay-Z and Beyonce announced they’re expecting. We don’t know the baby’s sex, but I’m betting on a Beyonce’ing baby boy.

Louis Vuitton has come out with a $68 designer condom. You know what this means? The people at Louis Vuitton have not seen the news for ten years.

Former Marine, Sgt. Dakota Meyer was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for making five death-defying forays into enemy Afghanistan gunfire while wounded to save the lives of 36 people. Somehow it makes my day of playing Angry Birds even more pathetic.

Historians believe this is the first and last time a person wins the Congressional Medal of Honor who is named Dakota.

“New Girl” with Zooey Dashenel premiered on NBC last night featuring three guys in an apartment who keep a douche-bag jar. Every time someone acts like a douche-bag, they have to put a dollar in the jar. If we put a douche-bag jar in congress we could pay off the National debt.

In his recent interviews Charlie Sheen seems sober, strong, calm and peaceful. The only thing that could ruin this? A date with Lindsay Lohan.

A new book claims former NBA star, Glen Rice, had a torrid one-night affair with then-sports- reporter, Sarah Palin. Rice is 6.8, Palin is 5.4, so he had a good sixteen inches on her. Plus he was a lot taller than her.

Michael Vick knocked out with a concussion and 700 McDonalds going up in China. Greatest week in the entire history of dogs.

Since you asked:

Check list for high school reunion:

New glasses? Check.

Hair cut? Check.

Pack slimming, dark clothes? Check.

Confirm reservations? Check.

When you see Karen Sullivan, swallow down the rancid bitterness of resentment after she dumped you to date the rival school’s quarterback immediately after taking her to the Lynnard Skynnard concert and refrain from rubbing in her face you married, Virginia, a hot girl seven years younger than her who makes her look like Tom Arnold, so suck it? Check.

Pack iPod speaker? Check.