Monday, September 19, 2011

Release the crackin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the VMA’a Jay-Z and Beyonce announced they’re expecting. We don’t know the baby’s sex, but I’m betting on a Beyonce’ing baby boy.

Louis Vuitton has come out with a $68 designer condom. You know what this means? The people at Louis Vuitton have not seen the news for ten years.

Former Marine, Sgt. Dakota Meyer was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for making five death-defying forays into enemy Afghanistan gunfire while wounded to save the lives of 36 people. Somehow it makes my day of playing Angry Birds even more pathetic.

Historians believe this is the first and last time a person wins the Congressional Medal of Honor who is named Dakota.

“New Girl” with Zooey Dashenel premiered on NBC last night featuring three guys in an apartment who keep a douche-bag jar. Every time someone acts like a douche-bag, they have to put a dollar in the jar. If we put a douche-bag jar in congress we could pay off the National debt.

In his recent interviews Charlie Sheen seems sober, strong, calm and peaceful. The only thing that could ruin this? A date with Lindsay Lohan.

A new book claims former NBA star, Glen Rice, had a torrid one-night affair with then-sports- reporter, Sarah Palin. Rice is 6.8, Palin is 5.4, so he had a good sixteen inches on her. Plus he was a lot taller than her.

Michael Vick knocked out with a concussion and 700 McDonalds going up in China. Greatest week in the entire history of dogs.

Since you asked:

Check list for high school reunion:

New glasses? Check.

Hair cut? Check.

Pack slimming, dark clothes? Check.

Confirm reservations? Check.

When you see Karen Sullivan, swallow down the rancid bitterness of resentment after she dumped you to date the rival school’s quarterback immediately after taking her to the Lynnard Skynnard concert and refrain from rubbing in her face you married, Virginia, a hot girl seven years younger than her who makes her look like Tom Arnold, so suck it? Check.

Pack iPod speaker? Check.