Friday, July 08, 2011

Raisin Bran is the Khloe Kardashian of the Kellogg Variety Pak.

While my guitar gently weeps, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot, I am sweating like Newt Gingrich paying his Tiffany’s bill.

You know who turns 64 this week? OJ Simpson. This is interesting, OJ’s playing number was 32. 32 plus 32 equals 64. You know what that means? Nothing, OJ is still lying double-murderer.

Investigators have discovered calls from Osama bin Laden’s cell phones to the Pakistani secret service. Which then establishes a link between the Pakistani secret service and their getting shot by Seal Team Six.

It has been four days since the Casey Anthony verdict; psychologists are thinking seriously of loosening the bite guard and leather restraints on Nancy Grace.

Congratulations to Natalie Portman, she had a baby boy. And they named him Aleph. Apparently the name: Tease Me ‘Til I Need Therapy was already taken.

You know what baby name is not popular? Casey Anthony Weiner.

Facebook now has Skype for video chats. So you know that smelly kid in fourth grade you didn’t really want to be Facebook friends with? Now you can see and talk to him everyday.

In Houston, a man robbed a convenience store wearing Sponge Bob Square Pants pajamas. Police are looking for a virgin who will not be spending the loot on a date.

The Tour de France is underway under the cloud of a doping scandal. In equally shocking sports news, sometime this year, a marathon will be won by a Kenyan.

Pamplona’s “Running with the bulls” begins today. Or as the bulls call it: “The goring of the drunken morons.”

Since you asked:

Love this stuff. In “Clapton” Eric said of the Beatles, although they would all come to be his good friends, with George being like a beloved brother, the first time he saw them at a club, with their matching mop-top haircuts and matching dark raincoats, Clapton thought:

“What a bunch of wankers.”

It is amazing that, in the early Sixties in London, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Pete Townsend, and to a lesser degree, Keith Richards, were just artsy blues dorks who hung out trading hard-to-get blues albums from America and trying to learn to play them.

Clapton did not want fame, just to play the blues, and left the
Yardbirds in protest of their hit, "For Your Love." Jimmy Page left the Yardbirds because he just wanted to play in a studio. Then they got caught in the jet wash that was the Beatles and, later, Jimi Hendrix that somehow forced these guitarist/blues nerds into bands almost against their will.

The creation of Cream, Blind Faith, Led Zeppelin, the Who and the Stones were merely means to an end for these music
equivalent of computer geeks to keep doing what they wanted to do: Buy and trade guitars and American blues albums. Girls, mansions, fame, clothes, drugs and booze weren't even afterthoughts.

Eric Clapton ran away and hid from fame like a scared little bunny. As soon as the Yardbirds, Cream, Blindfaith, hit it big he ran for cover under vanity projects destined for nowhere, like John Mayall's Blues Breakers and Delaney and Bonnie.

Derek and the Dominoes was supposed to be Eric's idea of a dream sleep away camp. There are a lot of core blues songs on "Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs" like "Nobody Knows When You're Down and Out:, "Key to the Highway" "Have You Ever Loved a Woman?" This was not an album intended for fame. And then, almost by accident, they wrote "Layla*" and fame, once again, threw up in Eric Clapton's lap. After the weakest of tours, Eric ran and hid again, this time with the help of heroin.

Clapton would have never even recorded "461 Ocean Blvd" if he wasn't going broke. As a measure to how criminal the record deals were for the artists at this time, along with the insanely high percentage of English taxes, as many countless millions as they sold, Clapton, the Stones and even the Beatles were on the brink of being broke, or as in the Stones case before "Exile on Main Street", really were broke.

*When you hear "Layla" on Clapton's "Unplugged" you know it started out as a snappy little blues/pop number. He added that iconic opening chord at the last minute. (Which Neil Young blatantly steals for his ending of "Cinnamon Girl" which is about a Manson girl, but we don't have time to go down that dusty road)

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Did you have the same reaction I did when you saw this? Yep, she's standing too far aft.

Lefty he can’t sing the blues all night like he used to, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s been so hot in Los Angeles, Lindsay Lohan’s attorney requested she be sentenced to house arrest inside a Tastee Freez.

This just in: a fellow inmate - furious over the not-guilty verdict - punched Casey Anthony in the face. This story is not true, but you have to admit you liked hearing it.

People are still furious over the Casey Anthony verdict. People want to see Casey Anthony suffer, they want to see her grilled, they want to see her tortured. That’s right, they want her to go on “The View.”

The rumor is they are going to open the new season of “Two and Half Men” by killing off Charlie Sheen’s character, Charley Harper. How? Charley is going on a blind date with Casey Anthony.

Kim Kardashian tweeted she was shocked by the Casey Anthony verdict. And her dad was one of the attorneys who got OJ off. That’s like Joey Chestnut being offended by bad table manners.

Residents of Orlando were so upset at the Casey Anthony verdict they almost rioted. Well, not really rioted, but a few did throw down their shuffleboard cues in disgust.

A 17-year-old drunk Iowa male fell asleep on the tracks and was run over by a train, but only sustained cuts and bruises. Upon which god said; “That’s it, from now on I only look out after children and fools, you drunks are on your own.”

Super model Kate Moss got married over the weekend. There was one bad moment when they emerged from the church and a grain of rice hit Kate in the head and knocked her out.

It was touching at the reception when the bride and the groom got together to cut up the wedding grape.

“Today” interviewed Star Jones about the Casey Anthony verdict. Asking Star Jones attorney questions is like asking Vanilla Ice rap star questions.

In a fireworks accident, a man in Fargo blew off his head. He blew his own head off. He got the idea from watching the “Newt Gingrich for President” campaign.

What’s up for Casey Anthony? History says a tour to plug her bad book, an engagement followed by a domestic violence arrest, a fragrance line, a short-lived appearance on “Dancing with the Stars,” a DUI arrest, rehab and then an article in “People’s” “Where are they now?”

A New Jersey tax collector stole $800,000, part of which he paid to a dominatrix. He pleaded guilty saying he was a bad, bad boy who needed to be spanked.

Truth is I have mixed emotions about the Casey Anthony not-guilty verdict. On one hand, the burden of proof is contingent upon the prosecution, who failed to make their case thus rendering the verdict a just one. On the other hand, that crazy bitch needs to fry.

Since you asked:

Feeling kind of chic, chi-chi, kind of suave and debonair, kind of, dare I say it, “Foxhole” Woody? Sophisticated.

After an intense workout of running and running stairs, I am going to have a few smart cocktails – San Diego Sunsets – and steam mussels with plum tomatoes in white wine, shallots, garlic and butter. Mopping up the sauce with French bread. Then a salad of sliced mozzarella, avocado, tomato, fresh basil with an olive oil and balsamic vinegar dressing.

And in case this sounds a bit too posh, this will be happening while watching the Cubs game.

And scratching myself. A lot.

Just got off the phone with my good buddy, Rob "Dirty Apples" Apatoff. Here is what I want to make happen:

Have my friends at SUP Co., in Laguna Beach ship twenty boards and paddles to Chicago. All my good buddies, Jeff, Will, Woody, Brian, Theo, Cookie, et al, paddle down the Chicago river to out on Lake Michigan and down to a spot on the beach (Oak Street beach?) where we have boards ready to demo, race buoys set up, beginner lessons, tug of war contests, speakers blasting Muddy Waters, Junior Wells, Stones, etc.

Afterwards we shower up, dress and go to a Tavern we have procured for a party to eat ribs and listen to a scorching blues band that I sit in with on harmonica. Maybe a set by a stand up comedian. (No, not me, some Chicago guy)

The Chicago Stand Up Paddle Board and Blues Fest
(Poster and t-shirts with Jake and Elwood lookalikes paddling on boards)

Let's make it happen, Cap'n.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

So what's next for Casey Anthony? I'm guessing not baby sitting nor being a nanny.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Will and Kate canoodling in America's hat

They’s all backsliders, scofflaws, firebrands, miscreants and reprobates, is what they is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wow, that jury must have really swallowed that Casey Anthony attorney’s close:

“If the hick is a twit, you must acquit.”

French President Nicolas Sarkozy was greeting the public when an attacker grabbed his jacket nearly pulling Sarkozy to the ground. The attacker was subdued but not before Sarkozy surrendered himself and France.

The rumor in the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case is he received oral sex from the maid, but she got mad when he would not pay her. They could not agree on a price, he was looking to pay her somewhere between Hugh Grant and Elliot Spitzer money, but she was holding out for that Charlie Sheen cash.

The Duke and Duchess, William and Kate are coming to Los Angeles. I’m a little nervous for William, Kate said she would like to have a USC frat boy give her a tour of a rooftop.

The rumor in the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case is he received oral sex from the maid, but she got mad when he would not pay her. Sorry, that’s the reason Crystal Harris broke off the marriage to Hugh Hefner. My bad.

The Fourth of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest has added a women’s division. Here is the best news guys: they’re all single.

The rumor is that al Qaeda is broke. Being a terrorist is expensive. Charlie Sheen couldn’t afford to keep two porn stars, imagine how much it costs keeping 72 virgins?

You notice how they are always called porn stars? How come it’s never a porn character actor?

Exxon had an oil pipe rupture in Montana, but Exxon announced the oil spill damage was limited. Which in oil executive talk means: Nowhere near any of our summer homes.

Did you have a good Fourth of July? A day devoted to consuming alcohol and igniting barbeques and explosives. What could possibly go wrong?

Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest downing 62 hot dogs. Chestnut won $10,000 which should just about cover his upcoming medical and plumbing expenses.

In Canada, Prince William landed an amphibious helicopter on the water. To which Hudson river-landing Captain “Sully” Sullenberger said; “Landing a slow-moving helicopter with giant pontoons on a still lake. Wow, how impressive.”

Since you asked:

Wow, is the Casey Anthony defense team and jurors unprepared for the poop storm coming from the court of public opinion. That one pompous bearded attorney, J. Cheney Mason, had the grande go-neenies to lecture the press on biased reporting. How about a lecture on fat, sleazy attorneys who take money to let child murderers go free?

When these idiots try to pimp their books on talk shows, they will get booed out of the studio.

The social media is unanimously furious over the verdict. When Kim Kardashian, whose father helped get OJ off, was incensed, that says something. That's like Joey Chestnut getting upset over someone's bad table manners.

Although I sympathize with the frustration with the verdict, this case did boil down to the fact the prosecution could not prove Anthony murdered her baby, poor Caylee. Yes, she probably did it, but that is not enough to warrant a conviction. Is Casey Anthony a horrible human and probably a child killer? Yes. Is she a blatant liar? Yes, the defense did not fight this. They just hammered that the prosecution could not prove it was murder.

Hard as it is to believe, I worked with a crazy selfish bitch who was despondent over having a child from a divorce. She desperately wanted to be out ho’ing it out and she bitterly resented the child to the point where I remember worrying about the safety of that child. Although ultimately not a murderer, like Casey, this heartless bitch did send her kid to live with her mother so she could tramp it up all over town.

As humans, we hold a mother's love of her child in the highest order. When that love is betrayed, we react with hate and anger that is instinctive, visceral, genetic.

Sadly, in our epidemic of entitlement and rampant selfishness, this Caylee Anthony tragedy will happen again.