Friday, June 17, 2011

Man in England tries to remove wart from finger with a shot gun and loses top of middle finger; good thing he didn't have jock itch.

Hey ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thursday, June 16, 2011

One word: scary
Flex it and text it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sunday is Father’s Day. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it: Pass Over.

Rep. Anthony Weiner finally resigned. Asked to comment, comedians across the country said; “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

Anthony Weiner’s porn star, Ginger Lee, hired feminist attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria Allred out to destroy a Weiner using the media. What else is new?

The Greek economy is in bad shape. To give you an idea how bad, little Greek boys are making jokes about the Greek stock market taking it in the shorts.

The reason Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff all quit was because of his third wife, Callista. To give you some idea how frosty and difficult Callista is, compared to Callista, Hillary Clinton looks like Oprah.

The winners of the Republican debate are reported to be Mitt Romney and Michelle Bachman. Don’t Mitt and Michelle look like the couple holding hands in the hilltop bathtubs in the Cialis commercial? Don’t Mitt and Michelle look like the married real estate agents on the bus bench ad?

Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit because of his third wife, Callista. Now, I don’t want to imply Callista is a difficult gold digger, but remember that $500,000 tab Newt ran up at Tiffany’s? Callista called it foreplay.

Congratulations to the Boston Bruins who beat the Vancouver Canucks to win the Stanley Cup. Angry Vancouver fans rioted after the game. Well, not really rioted, they’re polite Canadians, but they did throw down their wool hats and rather loudly comment: “Darn it, eh.”

Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit because of his third wife, Callista. Now, I don’t want to imply Callista has had work done on her face, but she once beat Nancy Pelosi in a starring contest.

The Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks in the Stanley Cup and angry Vancouver fans rioted. Throughout the playoffs, the Vancouver fans have been described as drunk, rowdy and classless. In fact, Canuck is an Eskimo word that means: Andy Dick. 

Since you asked:

Here is all I need to know about the Anthony Weiner situation. At his final resignation it seemed sort of sad that a guy who wanted his job so much and truly cared for his constituency would have to resign.

It wasn’t sad.

In a million years, I would never, ever A, take a picture of my junk, and B, send it to somebody. Not if I had some – god forbid – terrible illness and a doctor demanded that I do it. And, not to brag, I am not ashamed of anything in the least.

And I am so dumb I once had a foot in the door at the ground level of the California computer industry – two years of corporate computer sales to law firms and the military – but, in 1983, I decided there was no future in California computer companies, so I left to work on Wall Street. A job, I might add, that has since been replaced by a frigging computer.

As stupid as I am, I would not send anyone an inappropriate text picture. So how stupid is Weiner?

It is easy to see I am going to have fun with Callista Gingrich as long as that scary witch is around. What is more fun to hate than a snotty, rude, arrogant, pompous, greedy, shallow and power mad gold digger? Shakespeare tried as hard as he could to make Lady Macbeth sympathetic and the greatest writer who ever lived failed. Lady Macbeth is loathed as the very name and word for power mad crazy evil shrews.

Let us not forget, lest one thinks I am being too hard on the current Bitch Gingrich, she was having an affair with Newt on his second wife while Newt's wife was battling M.S. (Newt left his first wife while having an affair with the eventual second, and served her the divorce papers while she was in the hospital battling uterine cancer)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Now, I see an adorable puppy snoozing. My wife, the lovely Virginia, sees clean towels with boo-hairs all over them

Skank-hanking in the hoosegow hanger, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. It’s interesting, the term Maverick is an old cowboy ranching expression that means: Sucks to be LeBron.

In fact, it is so bad, LeBron could actually improve his image by texting young women pictures of his crotch.

The commercial for the Tony Awards featured Neil Patrick Harris saying; “You have the best seat in the house.” Gosh, that is flattering, apparently Neil Patrick Harris likes my butt.

After deserting his hometown team, Cleveland, and predicting eight championships for the Miami Heat, choking during the finals and losing, LeBron James told his critics they need to get a life. Even Anthony Weiner is saying; “Dude, quit acting like such a dick.”

TMZ published a picture of a half-naked Rep. Anthony Weiner in the Congressional gym; the bright side? It’s not a picture of a half-naked Barney Frank in the Congressional gym.

Since you asked:
Here is a monologue joke writing theory of mine. A topical joke is a math problem with two or sometimes three numbers, the goal is to get it to add up to as high as you can on a scale of one to ten. The set up or premise is a story somewhere from the news. The tricky part is getting a funny punch line to go with it.

No lie, the other day a soccer parent said;

“Hey, I hear you write jokes. I’ve got a great one for you. You know how that congressman named Weiner sent pictures of his penis?”


“Well write a joke about that.”

This was followed by the obligatory;

“Send me half the money when you get it.”

So my feeling – and obviously not a feeling shared by all comedy writers – is to get to X +Y= 10 or W+X+Y= 10 however you can. The easiest way is to start with a funny premise. “A guy in Montana married his cow” or “Congressmen Weiner sent pictures of his penis” these are funny topics that start the joke out with a laugh that is about a three or four. Now you only need a seven or six punch line to meet your goal.

But when you start out with “Wow, is this economy bad.” Or, “Gosh, did you see the stock market tank today?” or “Gas prices are so high” or "Scientists say global warming is going to kill all of us" or “Housing prices are falling so much” or “Unemployment is way up” you are digging a hole of a negative -2 or -3. Now you need a punch line that is a 12 or 13 to get to ten.

People don’t stay up to 11:35 PM to be reminded of how crappy the economy is or that mother nature wants us all dead. Believe me, if they are unemployed, the last thing they want to hear are jokes about being unemployed. If a tornado hit their town, they don't want to hear about that.

Folks want to relax and hear jokes about idiot millionaires like LeBron James or an idiot congressmen who sent pictures of his bidness and they want to hear about Donald Trump’s hair.

It could be interpreted that there is something off-putting about guys who make anywhere from five to thirty million-a-year making jokes about how tough the economy is.

Again, it is not that people/viewers are stupid, it is the exact opposite. People are very smart about what they do and don’t want to be reminded of before they go to bed. And yet so many monologue topics hammer about high gas prices, shrinking ozone, unemployment, studies that show increases in cancer risks, high taxes, big deficits.

These are the exact topics smart, hard-working, well-informed people do not want to be reminded.

Obviously if some economic problem dominates the news, like the mortgage melt-down and fall of Lehman Brothers, you have to mention it in the monologue or you look like an idiot. But just do one joke, don't dwell on it.

A term I use to describe knowing what people want to hear jokes about is having good water cooler sense. What are people in offices choosing to talk about during a break at the water cooler? Do they want to talk about work? No. Do they want to talk about how hard it is going to be to make money because the economy sucks? Hell no. Do they want to talk about their mortgage? No.

Maybe I am not the greatest comedy writer in the world. But, for whatever reason, I have a really good handle on the topics people want to hear jokes told.

They want to talk about sports, stupid celebrities, “American Idol”, movies, viral YouTube kitty clips, funny TV shows, guys who marry their cows in Montana and what everyone is doing this weekend.

Especially if they are planning to have sex with a cow.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Damn, there are a lot of hot women at these meetings." Rep. Anthony Weiner's tweet from sex rehab.

You'll never guess who is 25. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson. Yep, they made it, they're up to twenty five pounds each.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks for beating the Miami Hate, er, Heat.Very classy how Mav's Dirk Nowitzky did not mimic Dwayne Wade and LeBron James's choking.

LeBron tells his haters to get a life. Haters tell LeBron their life is like his. They don't have an NBA trophy either.

Since you asked:
It is no accident the most asinine statements come from Nike stabled athletes. The corporate culture has its head so far up its own butt, they have to kiss their own ass to get to kissing the athlete's asses.

From Kobe to Ben Roethlisberger, to Tiger Woods, to Michael Vick to now LeBron, the mentality is that everyone with Nike is a world savior and can do no wrong. Especially the athletes. So sure, LeBron, hold a TV show flaunting your hometown betrayal. Want to sit in your undies, eat Coco Puffs and play Xbox while every bimbo in the country rats out your pimping? Go ahead, Tiger, good idea.

Here is my question: how soon is Nike going to sign Anthony Weiner? It is a perfect fit.

Here is what would happen if Nike had someone who had at least heard a rumor about a sense of humor.

(Close up of Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzky's ecstatic champagne soaked faces)

Cuban: "Dirk, buddy, it goes without saying I am so proud of you."

Dirk: "Gosh, Mark, thanks so much, you're a great owner."

(Slowly pan back to reveal locker in back)

Cuban: "No, I mean it, I know I pay you a lot, but you deserve it."

Dirk: "You are a generous man and we appreciate it."

(Camera now far back enough to reveal Cuban is dangling from his jockeys from a locker room hook)

Cuban: "So, could you maybe let me down. My briefs are starting to ride up a bit."

(Dirk shakes his head and walks away)

Cuban: "Anyone?" What about that little short guy? Yo, J.J. Help out a player."

(ESPN, contact me)

Vanina Walsh surfing on her stand up paddle board

Words cannot describe how good this is. This gal is only 13 or 14.