Friday, June 03, 2011

"The Special Man" Commercial Parody Spectacular!

My favorite guy is the one in the awful toup pointing at the Special Man. And I know what he is saying, let her have it, but why is he so drunk?

Name ideas? I would name this noble beast Rodgers after my mom's side of the fambly
Let's light the fars, kick the tars and Google harder, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I saw a video clip of a report that claims Internet addiction is related to Attention Deficit Disorder. Or something like that, I didn’t watch the whole thing.

Charlie Sheen’s Beverly Hills mansion is for sale for $7.2 million. Of course it has a street value of $14 million.

Clorox scrub-down not included.

Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi vows he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move, just announce to Seal Team Six that you’re waiting at home.

It’s actually sad, Moammar just sits around in his ratty bathrobe and when the doorbell rings he yells; “If it’s Seal Team Six, tell them I’m not here.”

Sarah Palin is on her East Coast bus tour, there was an embarrassing moment when asked if she was excited about Mount Vernon, Sarah said; “You betchya, I love touring wineries.”

Awkward moment when Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump and Sarah tried to feed table scraps to that thing on Donald’s head.

Since you asked:
Let’s review how stupid and sleazy our politicians really are. Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edwards tried to hide their mistresses’ illegitimate children from their wives and families, Edwards upped the ante by using a million dollars in campaign money to hide his bastard child from the dying mother of his kids.

This makes a guy, NY Rep. Anthony Weiner, a guy who takes a picture of his junk in his tightie whites, sends it to a college girl –oh yeah, and he’s married – and accidentally posts it on twitter to his 40,000 followers, one of the smartest and most honorable politicians around.

How do these morons think they’ll get away with this? I erase my browser history if I happen to see a picture of a girl in a bikini on Facebook.

What makes the indictment of Edwards so rewarding is here is an ambulance chaser who made a fortune raising our medical costs and insurance rates, and ran for President by pushing his image as a doting father and devoted husband of a cancer-stricken woman.

By covering up his mistress – oh, wait, sorry, she dislikes the term mistress – by covering up his vile whore and her bastard child with about a million bucks in campaign money, Edwards quite possibly will go to prison.

The defense will argue that the money was a gift. No. These were previous campaign donors, even if they say it was a gift, it wasn’t.

Here’s hoping Edwards does go to prison where he will lose, in quick order, his political future, his dignity, his rectal virginity and his pretty-boy haircut.

Could not happen to a nicer guy.

Now I know nobody wants to hear about anyone's dream . . .but

Last night I had a dream that was so boring, I actually sat down and started watching TV. Didn't run with the bulls in Pamplona, did not sail the horn, did not scale Everest, did not surf Jaws, did not ride a bronco in a Montana rodeo, did not scale the Alps in the Tour De France. Did not know biblically Heather Graham nor Blake Lively.

No, I sat down and dialed up "Conan." It was a good show, though, Barack Obama was the guest.

Why did I not know?

Why did I now know Peter Graves was the late and great James Arness younger brother? Why did I not know Arness was 6 feet 7 inches? Why did I not know Arness was seriously wounded in the leg at Anzio, Italy, in WWII? He was never able to mount a horse due to the extent of the injuries. And, sadly, he lost his ex-wife and a daughter to mental health problems that both ended in a drug-suicide.

So we have Kavorkian and now Arness. Who is going to be third?

Jack Kavorkian died at 83. Kavorkian assisted in 130 suicides and was considered the preeminent Right-to-die advocate as well as the most depressing barbeque guest ever;

"Yeah, uh, Jack, before you tell another hilarious suicide story, why don't I fill everyone's drink?"

You ate sand

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Bradley Cooper - 100.7 Jack FM San Diego Radio & DSC- sandiegojack

So Bradley Cooper can speak fluent French. So what? Pepe Le Pew speaks French and he never got the hot cat.

Coop, as I call him, probably learned French when he was enrolled in Pretty Boy University majoring in Bite Me, You Lucky Bastard.

To be blunt, I listened to the interview and Cooper used a lot of the words over and over again. Tres bon, tres bon, oui, oui, ha, ha, huh, huh.

Fine, so Bradley Cooper is smart, refined, sophisticated, rich, talented, funny, good looking, in great shape, single . . . what was my point and why am I so very tired and sad?

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, (apologies Dennis Miller, babe, and Amy Poehler on Angelina Jolie) but, OK, Brad Cooper, we get it. You're cooler than us, richer than us, you look great with greasy hair and stubble where it makes us look like a serial killer.

And now you speak perfect French. Ewwww. Jacque le blu. Let me ask you a serious question, Super-Dooper Cooper: Can you grill a perfectly medium rare bone-in Ribeye? Can you stand up paddle board surf in the morning and then play lead harmonica with a band that night? No? Didn't think so, call me when you can.

Two words: Boooo and Yahhhh. Adding a third, FACE.

Announcer: "This just in: After winning "The Food Network" award for best barbeque steak, actor Bradley Cooper has been named lead harmonica player for the Doheny Beach Blues Festival where, earlier that day, he will make his professional debut as the odds-on favorite in the Dana Point Stand Up Paddle Board surfing contest."

Damn it!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Billy Branch / Hoochie Coochie Man (1977)

My man Billy Branch. Talked harmonica with him during his break at Kingston Mines on Clark in Chicago. Good guy.

I say we name this handsome gent Derby

*Step off wit’ yo’ good foot now, step off wit’ yo’ good foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

During the NBA finals, the NBA ran a public service announcement using the word gay as bad is not cool; but, according to Kobe Bryant and Jaoqim Noah, a word that rhymes with bag is just hunky dory. NBA stands for Nobody Believing Announcements.

The Kardashians are writing a book. When asked what kind of book, Khloe said; “The kind that looks like a little box of chocolates, but instead of chocolates it has a bunch of those paper flippy thingies called pages.”

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl and posted on twitter was not of him. This Weiner guy may be the most appropriately named politician since Indianapolis mayor, Harry Baals.

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl on twitter was not him. Let’s recount the steps of stupidity of this aptly named Weiner dude. First, he wore tightie whities, second, he took a picture of himself in the tightie whities. Next, he thought he was sending the picture to a single college girl – and he’s married - on twitter, but instead he posted it to all of his 40,000 followers. Finally, he angrily told the press a hacker did it, now he is not denying the picture is of him.

Good thing he is not denying he took the picture, that would have to be some hacker who was able to sneak in and take a picture of Weiner’s, well, you know.

Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement on Twitter. Technology has come a long way since Brett Favre announced his first retirement via Western Union telegraph.

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl and posted on twitter was not of him. Upon hearing this, Sarah Palin corrected; “When he said certitude, what he meant was positiviosity.”

It’s time to play another episode of

Four Heterophobic Gay Guys

Picture again, if you will, four very nattily attired fit, handsome-to-pretty gay men in their early thirties. They are lounging outside at a table of a chic upper West Side restaurant enjoying smart cocktails. And they love to heckle straight men as they walk by.

“Look at this ape. Hey, Arnold, shouldn’t you be impregnating a homely servant?”

“Yeah, are you the Terminal-ate-her – get it, like Terminator but . . .”

“We got it, Alphonse, talk to the hairy palm.”

“Check out, “Brokeback Mountain” in the jeans and boots, hey, did the Marlboro man go missing?”

“Yeah, Clint Leastwood, the Indigo Girls want their flannel shirt back.”

“Check out Mr. Businessman in the boring charcoal suit and red tie. Wall Street? More like Mall Street.”

“Hey Brooks, your brother called and he said you make Tim Pawlenty look sexy.”

“Wait, what? Tim Pawlenty is sexy.”

“Oh, get over yourself, Wallace, Tim Pawlenty is so “I stopped trying to find my wife’s g-spot.”

“Isn’t Tim Pawlenty a member of the tea bag party?”

(Giggles all around followed by awkward high fives)

“No way, Stefan, Pawlenty’s got that Marriot Hotel ball room, “I am going to start this meeting with a Power Point display” sexy thing happening.”

“Oh, oh, check out bowling shirt and cargo shorts man. Hey, Charlie, the Sheen is off you.”

“Two and a Half Men?” More like three quarters of a hot mess.” 

* When I took the subway to the World Trade Center, circa 1985, this is what one conductor would chant over the intercom when we pulled in and were about to unload. He would have everyone in the cars chant it with him. Such a simple gesture, but it made everyone’s day.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Neighbors are eavesdropping on the newly retired Oprah. Here is a list of the top ten things heard coming from Oprah’s house:

#10 “Stedman, get out of that ratty bathrobe and stop playing Xbox.”

#9 “Did you know we had an exercise bike? I didn’t know we had an exercise bike.”

#8 “When the hell is that cable guy going to show up?”

#7 “Hey Stedman, I’m about to bet ten million dollars in this online poker game, what is higher, a flush or a straight?”

#6 “If it's that load Dr. Phil, tell him I'm not here."

#5 “Dammit, Cruise, for the last time, stop jumping up and down on the damn couch.”

#4 “I am not paranoid, I’m telling you I hear Navy Seals out there.”

#3 “So which is a better deal, renting Disneyland or buying Disneyland?”

# 2 “We give Stedman how much for his allowance?”

And the number one thing heard coming from Oprah’s house:

“Ask the pizza guy if he can break a billion.”
While filming "Jersey Shore" in Italy, Snooki drove into the back of a police car. The officers were treated for a mild case of whiplash and a severe case of a sexually transmitted disease.

That is quite a switch: Snooki rear-ending two strangers.

SUP Stand up paddle boarding video

Kiwis gettin' her done