Friday, May 13, 2011

Some people are just born cool

Not up in this here up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In an interview with “Rolling Stone” Donald Trump says he uses Head and Shoulders shampoo; Yeah, because when the shower water hits it, Trump’s hair falls from his head to his shoulders.

Microsoft is buying Skype for 8.5 billion dollars. And thus concludes this week’s story my Aunt Gertie will never comprehend.

Now on his third marriage, Newt Gingrich has announced he is running for President again. You know what this means? Newt wants to spend more time with his brand new mistress.

Prince William and the lovely Kate Middleton are off on their honeymoon. I forget, what is the official new title of Prince William? Is it the Duke of Rogaine?

On his CNN talk show, Elliot Spitzer questioned the right of President Obama to kill Osama bin Laden. This moral debate coming from a guy who has hired so many hookers he has “How much for long time boom-boom?” tattooed on his ass.

You want to know what the best pickup line in bars is these days? “I’m so bummed, I can’t find my Commander of Seal Team Six ring anywhere.”

Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy on twitter. Big improvement. Last time Newt ran for President he announced it on a stripper named Tawania.

You know what is a huge seller these days?” Those “My Commander of Seal Team Six shirt is at the laundry” t-shirts.

Donald Trump said the use of water-boarding led to finding Osama bin Laden, but John McCain told congress it did not. So who do we believe? A guy who was once tortured as a POW or a guy whose idea of torture is to fly first class instead of a private jet?

In an interview in “Rolling Stone” Donald Trump said he has never smoked pot, done any drugs nor even had a single drink of alcohol in his entire life. Trump gets high on life. Life and a whole lot of airisole hair spray.

McDonalds wants to be more like Starbucks, more artsy, more intellectual, more sophisticated. You know, more douche-y.

Did you see Meat Loaf crying on “The Apprentice”? That guy cries harder than Moammar Kadhafi when a helicopter flies overhead.

That guy makes John Boehner look like a Navy Seal.

The Indianapolis Colts fired a cheerleader for appearing in “Playboy.” Wow, I thought it was about the New Orleans Saints dropping Reggie when I read; “Team Releases Bush.”

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Going to California by Led Zeppelin

Thought this was written for me my senior year in H.S.

They all hidin’ all up in they hidey-holes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sadly, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating. I thought how Arnold told her was a little harsh; “I won’t be back.”

Sadly, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating. I don’t understand how a couple, who has four kids and twenty five years together, can split up. But then I also don’t understand why a cyborg sent from the future to kill has a thick Austrian accent.

English soccer great David Beckham rear-ended a car on the 405. To be candid, Beckham has had trouble to adjusting to driving in the US, as a soccer player, he forgets he can use his hands.

My favorite Osama bin Laden conspiracy theory has him in the witness protection program working in the drive-through window at the Chino, CA McDonalds. “OK, Carl, for the last time, ask if they want fries with that, and no more: Death to Infidels.”

Al Qaeda is having trouble picking a replacement for Osama bin Laden. Right now it is a toss up between two candidates: Yuahr Zohdead and Adi-Ohse Muthah-Ephah.

A Florida 19-year-old male was jailed after attacking his mother for drinking his Starbucks beverage. How’s that for a happy Mother’s Day message? “Hey, Mom, thanks for giving me life and raising me, but if you touch my Frapachino, I’ll knock you out.”

In his “Sixty Minutes” interview, President Barack Obama used the expression; “Osama was hiding in plain sight.” Hiding in plain sight means, by being out where everybody can see them, nobody really notices them. It’s just like the New York Mets.

Al Qaeda is having trouble picking a replacement for Osama bin Laden. The only job title now with a shorter life-expectancy than head of al Qaeda is; “World’s Oldest Person.”

Osama bin Laden supporters want the Arabian Sea where he was dumped to be renamed the Martyr Sea. After hiding in his bedroom for five years, how about Cowardice Sea?

Prince William and Kate Middleton are finally off on their Honeymoon. I’d like to take this time to wish Prince William a whole lot of luck.

A Chicago man is in jail for assaulting a clerk after he stole nacho cheese sauce at a Seven Eleven. He was charged with theft, assault and executing the punch line of a racist joke.

Nike "Awake" Commercial

To get you goin' on your workout today
Keepin’ it real compared to what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mexico is now the biggest user of Viagra. This gives Mexican men another place to hang their sombrero.

The Los Angeles Lakers were swept in game four by the Dallas Mavericks, 122-86, a game so ugly it was uglier than when actor Will Ferrell kissed John C. Reilly on the Laker Kiss-Cam. And that was uglier than Charles Barkley’s golf swing.

Captured video tapes show Osama bin Laden was just a sad, self-centered lonely megalomaniac endlessly watching tapes of himself on TV. It’s like Donald Trump has a twin.

Did you know they used a bomb-sniffing dog in the Osama bin Laden raid? Yeah, the dog didn’t find any bombs but it did find two Paris Hilton music CDs and a DVD of Lindsay Lohan in “Georgia Rule.”

An Oregon woman emerged from dental surgery suddenly talking with an English accent. That is amazing, can you imagine? Someone with an English accent who had dental surgery? First time.

You can tell there hasn’t been anyone around at the Osama bin Laden compound for a few days; there are like thirty-two Chinese food menus stuffed in the door mail slot.

It’s been over a week and my favorite phrase is still Osama bin Laden has been assassinated. It surpassed my previous favorite phrase: free sandwiches in the break room.

The republicans held their first presidential debate and it included Herman Cain, Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson and Rick Santorum. It was billed as the; “We don’t even know who the hell we are” debate.

Paul McCartney is engaged again. Good idea. After his ugly divorce from Heather Mills, what are the odds Paul will marry the second craziest gold-digging bitch in the world?

In his biography, Jesse James says sex was better with Kat Von D than Sandra Bullock. And by better he means more likely for something to get seriously infected.

On their website, Al Qaeda has admitted the US killed Osama bin Laden. Wow, even the nut jobs at Al Qaeda admit Osama has been killed, we have Tea Party republican congressmen still demanding to see the death pictures for proof.

A Florida woman was arrested after she crashed her car while trying to shave her bikini area. She broke a well-known Florida river law: “You cannot groom your coochie while driving over the Calahoochie.”

A woman in Santa Ana, CA was arrested for drunk driving with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit. Oh my word, Lindsay Lohan, get some help.

Maybe I’m crazy, but it seems people are nicer since Osama bin Laden was taken out. Today, when a soccer mom cut me off in her SUV, she smiled when she flipped me off.

The “Home Alone” house is for sale outside Chicago for over $2 mil. It would have been priced even higher if the buyer wasn’t going to get hit in the crotch with a swinging paint bucket.

Red-hot doorknob, tarred basement stairs, marbles and bowling ball not included.

We are discovering more about Osama bin Laden from the captured computer discs. Did you know Osama was in a Fantasy Football League? Yeah, his team name was The Jihad Jets. They beat the Mullah Maulers to win it all.

These NBA playoff games are wild enough, but how about the tattoos on these players? I might be wrong, but I swear one player on the L.A. Lakers had a tattoo that said; “You can save 15% on your car insurance by switching to Geico.”

We are discovering more about Osama bin Laden from the captured computer discs. Osama’s favorite game? Really Angry Birds.