Friday, May 06, 2011

Pippa partying. Oh, Prince Harry, dude, you got to get wit' dat

It is time to limbo, Jimbo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the time of his death, Osama bin Laden had $740 sewn into his clothing. Apparently he was looking to buy this really bitchin’ used surfboard on Craig’s List.

Social Security has revealed the top two most popular boy names are Jacob and Ethan. The least popular boy name? Osama bin Trump.

More details emerging from Osama bin Laden raid. You want to know Osama bin Laden’s last words? He said “That Kate Middleton is pretty, but her sister Pippa is scorching hot.”

Have you been keeping up with “American Idol”? If not, let me give you some inside information. According to judge Randy Jackson, several of the contestants are in it to win it.

President Barack Obama decided not to release the death photos of Osama bin Laden so as not to anger the Muslim world. You know what else angers the Muslim world? The world.

Donald Trump responded to his hilarious roasting by Seth Meyers at the Correspondent’s Dinner by saying Seth Myers was untalented. After all, Donald Trump is to talent what Donald Trump is to hair style.

The CIA recovered the cell phones of Osama bin Laden’s aides and they used them frequently while driving. That’s a tough one, do you hate them for being terrorists or for talking on a hand-held cell phone while driving?

Spokespeople for Native Americans are objecting to the Navy Seal’s use of the word “Geronimo” as the code word for killing Osama bin Laden. In a related story, it has now been revealed that Native American Spokespeople have way, way too much time on their hands.

Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall on Twitter questioned the reality of the attacks of 9/11 and criticized anyone celebrating Osama bin Laden’s death. A Steeler spokesperson could not comment because he was weeping inconsolably.

U.S. authorities want to question the woman identified as Osama bin Laden’s wife who is in a Pakistani hospital for a gunshot wound to the leg. They are particularly anxious to question her before she lawyers-up with Gloria Allred. Even Navy Seals are afraid of Gloria Allred.

Since you asked:

In the clearest battle of good versus evil since Osama got whacked, the UCSB men's volleyball team defeated #1 ranked USC to be in the finals against Ohio State. Go Gaucho Gold.

UCSB has national championships in men's water polo, and men's soccer. We have a great shot to win one in men's volleyball. So, basically, if there is a sport that can be played at or near the beach, we will win it.

If they ever give a national championship to ultimate frisbee, sand castle building or surfing, just go right ahead and mark UCSB down as the winner. And Hackey Sack.

They are dancing in the beautiful cockroach-infested streets of Isla Vista tonight. There will be drinking, dancing and countless no-strings- attached hook ups.

In other words, a typical Friday night in Isla Vista.


Ultimate Dog Tease

Poor little guy

Thursday, May 05, 2011

This guy is married to, and probably cheating on, a hot babe. That is all you ever need to know about the status of wealth in this country.

Lock and load, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

As part of her community service verdict, Lindsay Lohan will teach acting to homeless people. Wouldn’t it be more fitting for Lindsay to teach homelessness to actors?

The Royal couple is on their unofficial honeymoon. Now I don’t want to imply that Kate Middleton is really wild, but today Prince William called the Navy Seals to come and rescue him.

At the Lakers game, did you see Will Ferrell kiss John C. Reilly for the kiss-cam? It was the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It was like a homemade shoe kissing a basset hound’s scrotum.

Kohler has developed a $6,500 toilet. And it is very European and named for the people who spend $6,500 on a toilet: The Whůtähschmŭck.

Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall on twitter questioned both the need for killing Osama bin Laden as well as the validity of the September 11th attacks. All the same, I am going to wait and see what terrorist and sociology expert Brett Favre has to say.

Native American spokespeople are objecting to the name “Geronimo” as the Navy Seal’s code word for killing Osama bin Laden. In retrospect, they’re right, the code words should have been; “Native American spokespeople are self-righteous idiots.”

Donald Trump described himself politically as a republican with a big heart. That’s like saying you’re a Kardashian with a little butt.

That’s like saying you’re bald with a good comb-over.

Did you hear Sarah Palin’s reaction to the assassination of Osama bin Laden? It was a little embarrassing. Palin said; “Wow, I knew the Navy trained dolphins, I had no idea they also used seals.”

This is a brutal time for Donald Trump. First President Obama disclosed his birth certificate, then Obama roasted Trump at the Correspondent’s dinner, then Obama had Osama bin Laden killed. The only way this could get worse for Trump is if his hairdresser writes a tell-all book.

Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall questioned the attacks of 9/11 and criticized anyone celebrating Osama bin Laden’s death. Anyone wishing to question Mendenhall’s public relations decisions can reach him at his in-home dog fighting ring.

After a well-received Seth Meyers Correspondent’s Dinner roast of Donald Trump, Donald Trump called Seth Meyers untalented. That’s like Charlie Sheen calling you a boozer.

Since you asked:

If you are in any way shape or form a Osama-bin-Laden-was-rocked-dead-by-the-awesome-Navy- Seals buzz killer, and that includes Native American Spokespeople, Steeler Rashard Mendenhall and Donald Trump, you A, are an idiot, and B, I hate you.

This is for my conservative friends who accuse me of being too liberal because I hate Donald Trump and Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.

If they produce a video tape of Osama bin Laden with his arms raised screaming in perfect English;

“I surrender, please don’t shoot, I will tell you everything about future terrorists plots. I want to become an American. God bless the Chicago Cubs.”

I am still 100% fine with the fact they shot that bastard in the eyeball.

Lex’s Killer Fish and Shrimp Tacos

Marinate the fish and the shrimp in olive oil, Old Bay, garlic powder, sea salt and fresh pepper at least one hour.

Google Japanese Yum Yum sauce recipe and make. Just add some salsa.

In separate bowls have shredded jack and cheddar cheese, coarsely-chopped fresh cilantro, shredded red cabbage, avocado slices and lime wedges.

Grilled the fresh Talapia –any fresh white meat fish will do – for about five minutes on a very hot grill. While this was going on, I sautéed the shrimp in a skillet. Also around five minutes. Put tin foil over both and grilled the corn soft taco shells on the grill.

Take a soft taco, add the shrimp and fish, lots of cheese, a little red cabbage, fresh cilantro, avocado slice, squeeze a lime on it and drizzle on the Yum Yum/Salsa sauce.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Look out, everybody, 'cause it's a stand up paddle board surfin' daaaaawwwwwwwg.

Miss Cuthbert, you gorgeous stack of pancakes, you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Not been able to follow the news lately. Anything exciting happen?

Just when you thought things could not get worse for Osama. You know those 72 virgins he's expecting? Turns out it is just one 72-year-old virgin.

Did you see Seth Meyers roast Donald Trump at the Correspondent's Dinner? Trump was so angry, that thing on top of his head was snarling.

Not a life coach or anything, but I do know if the news of your death causes the spontaneous celebration of hundreds and hundreds of millions? You would have been wise to have spent more time on your people skills.

In a just world the Navy Seals would now send Moammar Kadhafi a box of Depends undergarments.