Friday, March 25, 2011

Don't know who this handsome boy is, but I am naming him Buster

No, Wig-uh-wee, noooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(When Wrigley peed on the Christmas tree when Ann Caroline was five)

Sadly, Liz Taylor passed at 79. Did you know that Liz Taylor was born in England? She was born in England, but to American parents. Which explains her beautiful teeth.

Did you see the footage of the French jets bombing Libya? Those French jets are amazing. They can actually fly backwards when retreating.

A 92-year-old Florida woman upset her 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her, shot a pistol at his house four times. Her exact words were; “Knock granny a kiss or I’ll bust a cap in yo ass.”

Sadly, beautiful actress Liz Taylor passed at 79. Liz’s eighth and last husband was Larry Fortensky. For those too young to remember, Larry Fortensky was the useless freeloading pioneer for Spencer Pratt and Bruce Jenner.

Kim Kardashian asked her twitter followers for a name for her new perfume. Ode to Bimbo?

The “American Idol” contestants sang Motown songs. But I think the contestants are too young to appreciated Motown; like that one contestant who kept trying to wave hello to Stevie Wonder.

Chris Brown threw a chair out the window at “Good Morning America.” That’s not the worst part, Rihanna was sitting in the chair at the time.

The East got hit with one last winter storm. It was so cold in Washington, DC, the air traffic controller at Reagan airport needed two blankets to fall asleep.

Two airliners had to land at Reagan Airport in Washington DC without help from the traffic controller because he was asleep in the tower. The controller was really out because the pilots shouted, and you know how loud drunks can be.

In the NCAA tournament, Brigham Young goes against Florida. The schools are different. Brigham Young suspended one of their best players, Brandon Davies, for having premarital sex. Florida frowns on it when their players miss practice to have sex.

On “American Idol” Steven Tyler told contestants; “You can’t make a three point shot from under the net.” “You don’t look a day over fabulous.” And “E to the Z oh diddly dee.” Since when did Steven Tyler start channeling Charlie Sheen?

Since you asked:

Want to know how tough the entertainment bidness can be? One of the funniest shows on TV just probably got the axe, NBC’s “Perfect Couples.” While sometimes the writing could be predictable “You woman are crazy.” “No, you men are crazy” the actors could rise above it with their comedic talents and over-the top guts.

And, personally, I would watch Olivia Munn if she was on the despised-by-Lex QVC.

“Hmm, Virg could use a giant fake diamond necklass . . .”

Things men should never do past the age of 40

Wear lycra bike shorts in public when not riding a bike. Sure, you need lycra shorts for cycling, they have padding and prevent chafing, just have the decency to wear shorts over them at the coffee shop.

Get a tattoo or a piercing. This includes ears.

Grow a pony tail.

Wear a football jersey with the name of a player younger than you.


Go to a strip club

Date a woman under 30.

Use the word hook up for having sex.

Flash gang fingers and make pouty rapper lips at the camera.

Say the words chillax, broheim or whhhaaaaat.

Listen to or especially create a rap song.

Post a video of yourself dancing.

Wear low hanging pants

Go clubbing.

Wear chains dangling from your pants pocket

Snoop Dog at "Roast of Donald Trump"

"Now Donald say he wants to run for president and move into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time you pushed a black family outta they home."

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Now, see, this'n right here called getten'r done.

Give a holla to a broudah when you see him on the streeeeeeeeeeet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now see here. Not to be an old fuddy-duddy, but I'm not sure these young "American Idol" whipper-snappers get Motown. Like that one chap who keeps telling folks the correct name is Gaytown. And that other roust-about who keeps trying to wave hello at Stevie Wonder, see.

But then again, I am such and old-school scamp, the other day I picked up the phone and said;

"By cracky, operator, be a good sport and connect me with Highland six, twenty four ninety five, and make it on the skippy, see, and everything will be jake. "

14-year-old kid in Utah tells police he was grazed by a bullet to cover that he fell and ripped his new pants. Police were suspicious. This was the same kid who reported a burglar broke into his bedroom and wet his bed.

Guess what movie I'mma watch tonicht? "Von Ryan's Express." Frank Sinatra and others dressing as Natsees and killin' Natsees and riding on a train? You kidding me? Loved that as a kid. My dad hated Frank as an actor as much as he loved him as a singer. But Frank does a good job on this one.

With hounds by my side. My hounds, Kasey and Wrigley, crack me up all the time. Kasey, bless her heart, will be 16 in August - if she makes it, knock on wood. If you merge a sweet little bear with a little old lady, that's Kasey-bear.

Wrigley is like a little white moose with no sense nor horns.

My dogs give me a wonderful barometer to measure people. Simply, if somebody is not on an equal level with my dogs, not above, just equal, in terms of kindness, loyalty, funniness and honesty, I don't like them.

There are a lot or really rich, smart and successful people who can't pass this test.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Flat out put the hot in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"

That’s what I’m talkin’ about, home skillet and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study reveals you can gage a man’s fertility by measuring the distance between his scrotum and his anus. The longer the distance, the higher the fertility. Wow, Chris Brown must be really fertile, ‘cause there is no end to that a-hole.

Tiger Woods has a 22-year-old girlfriend who was recently charged with a DUI. A hot blonde who drives drunk is dating Tiger Woods. Gosh, what could possibly go wrong here?

Charlie Sheen gets fired from his show, Chris Brown smashes a “Good Morning America” window, Sammy Hagar swears he was probed by aliens, Lindsay Lohan faces serious jail time. I’m starting to think cocaine isn’t such a great career decision after all.

If I didn’t know better I would swear these celebrities were on something that makes them crazy.

In New York, a man was jailed after he showed up drunk and holding a beer at his DUI hearing. Say what you want about this guy, you have to give him credit for consistency.

Are you into the NCAA tournament? See, I don’t think I filled out my brackets right. I’ve got Arizona going up against the winner of the Ralph Macchio, Kirsty Alley dance off.

There was an essay question on this year’s SAT test about reality TV. The question was: In one hundred words or less, explain why the rest of the world hates us.

The Las Vegas prosecutor in the Paris Hilton cocaine possession case was arrested for trying to buy crack cocaine. He claims he was trying to buy a black market black purse for his wife.

“Bloomberg Businessweek” reported that on-the-job drinking is up. Well, duh, yeah, there are a lot more flights than ever before.

Frayser High in Memphis has 90 girls who are pregnant. Apparently Frayser’s mascot is the Charlie Sheens.

Here’s how the strategy against Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi goes. First we shot in missiles, then we flew in jets, now we send in hookers, cocaine and Charlie Sheen.

Are we really at war with Libya? Isn’t saying we’re at war with Libya like saying you hooked up with a girl when you only really just friended her on Facebook?

“Oh yeah, I hit that.’


“Well, no, but I LOL’d one of her updates.”

Rest in Peace, Liz Taylor. Always thought of her as a class act. Sadly, most people only think of her as that heavier woman with health problems who was friends with Michael Jackson. But, in her day, nobody was more beautiful and she could flat out act.

Even in 1972 when she was 40 Liz was still quite the looker, and 40 was older in ’72 than it is now. Liz never stepped on a stair master nor went to a yoga class in her life. And Liz liked her men, smoke, drink and pills.

But Liz was no skank ala Paris Hilton. As Frank Sinatra once famously said of Ava Gardner to John F. Kennedy;

“She almost looks as good as Liz Taylor, but you don’t have to marry her to sleep with her.”

Liz was an old fashioned prude for her day. She was married eight times, sure, but I bet she only slept with eight men in her life.

But what the hell do I know? I used to run by Liz and Richard’s La Jolla estate. Very gaudy and Seventies Las Vegas casino-looking, but huge and with an amazing view of the ocean.

How many degrees of separation is Lex from Liz? Let’s see. My college UCSB Sigma Chi fraternity roommate, Sweet Lew’s, dad, the honorable Judge Royce Lewellen, had the Santa Maria courthouse, where Michael Jackson was tried, named after him, the Lewellen Courthouse and Michael was friends of Liz.

Pretty weak. Oh, wait, I shook hands with Paul Newman, and he starred with Liz in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”

Weak still, but better.
New study claims men's fertility can be determined by measuring the distance between the scrotum and the anus. Some of the results have been tainted.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I myself am often surprised by life's little quirks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In tennis, Novak Djokovic beat Rafael Nadal to win the BNP Paribas Open. Or as American sports fans call that: Not the NCAA Men’s College Basketball Tournament.

Duke barely beat Michigan to move on to the Sweet Sixteen. But Michigan has a lot to be proud of. Namely their cheerleaders were way hotter than Duke’s. Not to be mean, but if Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski wore a cheerleader outfit, he would be the fourth hottest Duke cheerleader.

Bitter rivals Duke and North Carolina have squeaked into the Sweet Sixteen. North Carolina fans have accused Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski of looking like a rat. That is horribly unfair. Coach K looks like a wombat.

Sarah Palin is in Israel and she will meet with Prime Minister Netanyahu. It was a little awkward, when first told she would meet Netanyahu, Palin said; “I love that crazy reggae-singing Rabbi.”

Lex's take on reality shows.

First of all, I love "American Idol" this year. What a great group. And - didn't think I would - but am nuts for Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Tyler looks exactly like my crazy hippy aunt Maggie, who got drunk at my cousin's wedding and tried to cougar-up the best man.

But "Idol" is not reality TV. It is a talent contest.

Unless cameras are truly hidden, there is no such thing as reality TV. "Candid Camera" was reality tv. "Real Stupid and Mean Bitches of Where Ever" is not reality TV. "Jerry Springer" is not reality TV.