Flat out put the hot in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"

That’s what I’m talkin’ about, home skillet and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study reveals you can gage a man’s fertility by measuring the distance between his scrotum and his anus. The longer the distance, the higher the fertility. Wow, Chris Brown must be really fertile, ‘cause there is no end to that a-hole.

Tiger Woods has a 22-year-old girlfriend who was recently charged with a DUI. A hot blonde who drives drunk is dating Tiger Woods. Gosh, what could possibly go wrong here?

Charlie Sheen gets fired from his show, Chris Brown smashes a “Good Morning America” window, Sammy Hagar swears he was probed by aliens, Lindsay Lohan faces serious jail time. I’m starting to think cocaine isn’t such a great career decision after all.

If I didn’t know better I would swear these celebrities were on something that makes them crazy.

In New York, a man was jailed after he showed up drunk and holding a beer at his DUI hearing. Say what you want about this guy, you have to give him credit for consistency.

Are you into the NCAA tournament? See, I don’t think I filled out my brackets right. I’ve got Arizona going up against the winner of the Ralph Macchio, Kirsty Alley dance off.

There was an essay question on this year’s SAT test about reality TV. The question was: In one hundred words or less, explain why the rest of the world hates us.

The Las Vegas prosecutor in the Paris Hilton cocaine possession case was arrested for trying to buy crack cocaine. He claims he was trying to buy a black market black purse for his wife.

“Bloomberg Businessweek” reported that on-the-job drinking is up. Well, duh, yeah, there are a lot more flights than ever before.

Frayser High in Memphis has 90 girls who are pregnant. Apparently Frayser’s mascot is the Charlie Sheens.

Here’s how the strategy against Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi goes. First we shot in missiles, then we flew in jets, now we send in hookers, cocaine and Charlie Sheen.

Are we really at war with Libya? Isn’t saying we’re at war with Libya like saying you hooked up with a girl when you only really just friended her on Facebook?

“Oh yeah, I hit that.’

“Really?”

“Well, no, but I LOL’d one of her updates.”

Rest in Peace, Liz Taylor. Always thought of her as a class act. Sadly, most people only think of her as that heavier woman with health problems who was friends with Michael Jackson. But, in her day, nobody was more beautiful and she could flat out act.

Even in 1972 when she was 40 Liz was still quite the looker, and 40 was older in ’72 than it is now. Liz never stepped on a stair master nor went to a yoga class in her life. And Liz liked her men, smoke, drink and pills.

But Liz was no skank ala Paris Hilton. As Frank Sinatra once famously said of Ava Gardner to John F. Kennedy;

“She almost looks as good as Liz Taylor, but you don’t have to marry her to sleep with her.”

Liz was an old fashioned prude for her day. She was married eight times, sure, but I bet she only slept with eight men in her life.

But what the hell do I know? I used to run by Liz and Richard’s La Jolla estate. Very gaudy and Seventies Las Vegas casino-looking, but huge and with an amazing view of the ocean.

How many degrees of separation is Lex from Liz? Let’s see. My college UCSB Sigma Chi fraternity roommate, Sweet Lew’s, dad, the honorable Judge Royce Lewellen, had the Santa Maria courthouse, where Michael Jackson was tried, named after him, the Lewellen Courthouse and Michael was friends of Liz.

Pretty weak. Oh, wait, I shook hands with Paul Newman, and he starred with Liz in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”

Weak still, but better.