Friday, February 11, 2011

This just in:

"Fort Wayne will not name a building after former mayor, Harry Baals, due to the potential jokes," stated city spokesperson, Dick Hurtz.

Woo and hah hoo

We workin’ the hangry up in here, if you will, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In England, a judge ruled a man was too stupid to have sex. How is a guy deemed too stupid to have sex? Can’t he count to two minutes?

Somali pirates hijacked an oil tanker with $150 mil. of oil. You know who the pirates are going to try and sell the oil to? Arrrrrrrrrrco.

The Catholic Church has an iPhone app that allows you to confess on the phone; “Forgive me, Father, for I have just ran a stop light and almost hit an old lady.”

Dogs properly trained can detect colon cancer as well as a colonoscopy. Here is my question: who is the poor slob who has to train the dogs? “OK, Fido, this is the last time I’m going to show you.”

The hard part? Properly inserting the milk bone.

A tanning salon has accused Lindsay Lohan of owing them $40,000. If you own a tanning salon, do you really want it known Lindsay Lohan has had $40,000 worth of work done there? Even other drug addicts think Lindsay is too pale.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

We’re up to no good now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A judge in England ruled a man too stupid to be allowed to have sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton had to cancel her trip to London.

In Washington, a woman was arrested after she bit the lower lip of another woman in a bar. She was charged with assault and two counts of a committing a really hot crime.

In Washington, a woman was arrested after she bit off the lower lip of another woman in a bar. She spit the lip out, she didn’t want any lip from that woman.

Washington police arrested a man who robbed a convenience store and was extremely polite while doing it saying yes sir, please and thank you. You know times are weird when even our criminals are nicer than the clerks at Blockbuster.

Alex Rodriguez is furious over Fox showing him getting fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz. And who can blame him? Every time 111 million people see me getting fed by a sexy woman movie star, it upsets me no end.

Hey, A-Rod. If you don’t want to be seen on camera, maybe don’t go to the Super Bowl with one of the most famous actresses on the planet.

Lindsay Lohan is going to be charged with grand theft for stealing a diamond necklace. It is impossible to conceive how Lindsay Lohan keeps making such bad choices given the smart and grounded parental advice she gets.

People object to the Super Bowl Pepsi Max commercial as racist because it depicts a black woman throwing a can and hitting a white girl. And they’re upset to find out neither the E-Trade babies nor the Geico gecko can actually talk.

Fort Wayne was going to name a building after a mayor, but decided not to because of jokes about his name: Harry Baals. A statement read; “Although a fine mayor, we don’t want jokes about Harry Baals,” said Fort Wayne spokesperson, Dick Hurtz.

A judge in England ruled a man was too stupid to have sex. This is a scary ruling for Levi Johnston.

After supposedly undergoing at-home rehab, Charlie Sheen threw a Super Bowl party in his mansion’s porn room. He had to use the porn room, the Hookers and Cocaine room was getting fumigated.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Maybe I’m confused, but I loved the Super Bowl commercial where the little kid in the Darth Vader suit thinks he can jump-start the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The Super Bowl turned out to be a game of turnovers; in case you don’t know, a turnover is when someone takes something from someone against their will, or as Ben Roethlisberger calls that: a date.

Chrtistine Aguliera botched the words on the Star Spangled Banner. She wasn’t the only one, if you listen closely to the Budweiser commercial, the scary cowboy sings; “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”

The Super Bowl halftime show was good, the Egyptian protesters gave the Black Eyed Peas four rocks.

Ben Roethlisberger was not himself after the Super Bowl loss. After the game he only verbally abused a woman hotel worker.

Chrtistine Aguliera botched the words on the Star Spangled Banner. It wasn’t noticeable until she sang; “15 minutes can save you 15% on your car insurance.”

There was an embarrassing moment at the Super Bowl for Alex Rodriguez when Fox caught Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn. Still, it wasn’t as embarrassing as a few years ago when they caught Madonna injecting A-Rod in the butt with steroids.

This was a good Super Bowl, the closest thing to a wardrobe malfunction was at the end when Terry Bradshaw was exposed as a boob.