Saturday, June 26, 2010

Lex’s take on the World Cup

Congratulations, team USA, great World Cup. Great drama, exciting games, amazing comebacks. Generally the stars shone, Landon especially, and there were some newcomers who had breakthroughs, like Demeret and Michael Bradly.

To give myself some credit, I did think my favorite player against Algeria would have a bad game. Altidore was suspect from before the game when he was the only player who didn’t put his hand over his heart during the Star Spangled Banner. That smelled awfully French-like, so I kept my eye on him and, sure enough, he didn’t try hard enough on a perfect cross from Donovan that should have been a score with a better effort. Altidore should have been yanked earlier.

The reality is, in a low-scoring game like soccer, if you give up an early goal in three games, you'll be lucky to win one. We were amazing to win two. We don't give up that early goal against Ghana, we would have won. But we did and they won.

The coach, Bradley, going with Clark early ended up being a bad mistake in an otherwise great coaching job. And our goalie, Howard, who also had been great, picked a bad game to have a bad game. He normally saves that first goal from Ghana.

This was not a heartbreaking loss. If we had lost to Algeria, that would have been heartbreaking. But Ghana scored more than we did, period. Have to say Ghana’s poor sportsmanship of flopping at the end was disappointing, but the ref let them get away with it, which was also disappointing, but that is soccer, unfortunately.

If our team had played as gutless, cowardly and selfishly as did a team whose name rhymes with pants, that would have been heartbreaking. No, our side represented the US admirably. Good job.

If FIFA wants to win over us US sports fans, they have to put an end to the flopping. Flopping goes against everything in our cowboy and brave hero-loving genes to allow a player to act like he was stabbed in the heart and get carried off the field only to have him hop right back in. That is phony cowardice, but FIFA and the refs allow it to happen so it will.

We Americans can put up with weird one names, like Kaka, we can put up with long hair with hairbands, we can even put up with the kissing and a little dramatic acting. But when a player flops and is carried off but turns out to be fine? That is pathetically whimpy. And US sports fans will not get behind a sport that allows the pathetic and the whimpy.

But any sport that can put Bill Clinton in a seat next to Mick Jagger? Well, that sport gets my vote. What did you suppose they had in common to talk about? Something tells me there was a lot of "Her? You too?" going on there. If they invited Tiger and A-Rod the four of them would probably have covered a lot of star-humping woman kind. (Imagine how awkward Carla Bruni felt at that moment sitting next to Sarkozy on his little child booster seat)

That noise you heard when Mick and Slick sat together? That was Wilt Chamberland spinning in his grave like cement mixer.

This World Cup gave me a special moment I will keep. After the Algeria game the camera caught Landon Donovan soaking up the moment. Those of us who have been lucky enough to shine in a big game will never forget the feeling of being so spent, so beat up and yet so happy and proud all at the same time.

When you get that golden feeling you don't want it to ever go away. So you try and hang on to it for as long as you can. The truth is that moment was gone the split second it was over. But the deeper truth is that time lives on in your soul forever.

You get that split second of perfection to keep. Congratulations and thanks, Donovan and the boys, for letting us share that moment.

Oh, and France's team? You still suck.

P.S. I learned some things during this World Cup. I learned you can measure the a-holeness of a person by how much information they give you after you tell them:

"Don't tell me anything about the game, I am recording it."

Predictably once after recording a Cubs/Sox game, a White Sox fan proceeded to give me all the details and so did a USC fan during the Rose Bowl. And White Sox and Trojan fans honestly don't know why they are so despised.

Speaking of measuring people's a-holeness. Many years ago, when Ann Caroline was a toddler, she used to ask me to slow down on an uncrowded street near our house so she could look for the bunnies in the hedgerow.

Once when I did that, a white BMW screeched its wheels to pass me flipping the bird and screaming obscenities at me and my four-year-old bunny-watching little girl. When they passed me they revealed a Jesus fish on the back of the car.

Today a car on my left at a four-way stop sign, a, ran the stop to, b, cut me off and then, c, slowed to a crawl to turn in front of me, no signals. Did he have a Jesus fish on his car?

No, he had three Jesus fish on his car.

Via Con Dios, Buncle

To our collective loss, they are not making them like my Uncle Bill anymore. We was a man’s man, but also a true intellectual. He wrote speeches for a President and made a fortune on his wits alone. He was a loving father and husband who could quote Shakespeare as well as bawdy Scottish limericks delivered in a spot-on Scottish burr. His face was a happy collection of smile wrinkles.

We will miss you.

Friday, June 25, 2010


True dat, true dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How about that 1-0 win over Algeria for the US soccer team to advance in the World Cup? It was a great last minute win, but for 91 minutes it felt like getting kicked in the vuvuzelas.

A Florida man was run over by his own truck when his dog knocked it into gear. The man is reportedly in pain but OK, the dog is reportedly laughing his ass off.

Sarah Palin said she tried marijuana, but she did not like it. The good part is that, when she tried marijuana, she could see a Popeyes fried chicken from her house.

In the World Cup, Italy and France, lost and are out, but the US, England, Germany and Japan continue to fight. Why does this sound so familiar?

How about that 1-0 win over Algeria for the US soccer team to advance in the World Cup? Now I don’t want to say US sports fans aren’t soccer savvy, but in bars all over the United States you could hear guys yelling: “Pick up the damn ball and run. Stop kicking it and pick it up.”

In the World Cup, Italy and France, failed to advance to the round of 16. Seriously, I hate to rub it in, but that’s like an American not making it to the finals of a hot dog eating contest.

At the World Cup, the US plays Ghana on Saturday in the round of 16. It is going to be so exciting even the referees can’t wait to disallow a US goal.

Worst pick up lines at the World Cup:
How would you like to blow my vuvuzela?

You know, I am allowed to use my hands.

How about instead of heading the ball . . .

You know, for a British chick, your teeth aren’t all that bad.

Why yes that is a vuvuzela in my pants, but I am also glad to see you.

Unlike France and Italy, I can last into the next round.

Since you asked:

So's yah knows down to yah toes:

There are key items a man must own to be a true California dude:

Great jeans.

Great flip flops.

Awesome pair of sunglasses.

Cool Hawaiian shirt.

Gnarly surf board.

Speaking of surfboard, I am going to get all Argentine on my own ass this weekend: surfing, slow smoke grilling of meat, working out, drinking lots of red wine and watching lots of soccer. Oh, wait, I forgot, I am working on a "project" all weekend. (Sigh) Well, the wine and grilling parts still apply.

Boo yah right to yah.

Joke of the Week:

"President Barack Obama had to fire his general. Don't confuse this with Bill Clinton, he had trouble with his privates." - David Letterman.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

You know what I don't like about this picture? No, seriously, I'm asking . . .


Now, I don’t want to imply that Los Angeles Lakers Ron Artest is crazy, but Artest is proof there is no I in team, but there are two I’s in schizophrenia.

Lady Gaga visited the New York Yankee clubhouse dressed in stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, bikini bottoms, bra and an unbuttoned Yankee jersey. Pretty much the same outfit Adam Lambert wore when he came.

Despite being World Cup favorites, the French lost to Mexico 2-0 and have expelled a key player and are reportedly infighting. That’s amazing, even the French don’t like the French.

Lady Gaga visited the New York Yankee clubhouse dressed in stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, bikini bottoms, bra and an unbuttoned Yankee jersey. Some of the Yankee pitchers were so shocked they actually spoke English.

Watching these World Cup matches makes me feel so European. I’ve stopped shaving my legs, I drink during the day and I have an ever-growing contempt for those obnoxious Americans.

Despite being World Cup favorites, the French were eliminated in the first round after expelling a key player and fighting their coach. The good news for France? Nobody was ejected for head-butting like the last time. The bad news for France? Apparently all their players are buttheads.

France’s performance in the World Cup was so embarrassing and atrocious they are changing their name to the Oakland Raiders.

When France was eliminated from the World Cup by South Africa, 2-1, Parisians in Paris bars started to cheer for South Africa. Whoever heard of a country cheering for a country that defeats them? Oh, right, France.

How bad was France’s diva-implosion during the World Cup? To put it in US terms, it’s as if the New York Yankees blew off game one of the World Series to hang with their friends at the mall.

The World Cup continues to be annoyed by those droning vuvuzelas horns. Vuvuzelas is a Swahili word that roughly translated means: annoying tool used by an annoying tool.

Since you asked:

Why is it, when my friends tell me they liked a joke on my blog, they feel compelled to explain why they were looking at in the first place. Come on, folks. These are just jokes, and some of them aren't very good. It's not like I am peddling goat porn here.

Hmm. Nah.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How could this guy have sucked so bad? He was so funny in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Down on the corner, out in the street, Willy and the Poor Boys are playin’ bringin’ the new girls happy feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Boston Celtics 83-79. in a sloppy and poorly played final game. In fact, it was the ugliest final since Susan Boyle was on “Britain’s Got Talent.”

Knowing what we all know now, watching Tiger Woods play the US Open on Father’s Day is like watching Ron Artest play on Not Crazy Day.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Boston Celtics 83-79. To be candid, I doubt how knowledgeable these Lakers celebrity fans are about basketball. When asked what he thought about the game seven win, David Spade said “Great, can’t wait for game eight.”

In the World Cup, Mexico upset France 2-0. It was interesting how the game played out; Mexico kept sneaking across to the other team’s side and France just kept retreating.

A guy named Alvin Green won the primary for the South Carolina Senate. He was kicked out of the Army, has no job and he is charged with showing lewd photos to students. No military or economic knowledge and a pre-made sex scandal. He’s perfect for congress.

Argentina coach Diego Maradona vowed to run naked through Buenos Aires if his team wins the World Cup. For American sports fans, soccer just keeps getting better, as if those annoying horns and low-scoring ties weren’t bad enough, now we got a short, fat, ugly guy running around naked.

The US soccer team overcame a two goal deficit to comeback against Slovenia for a great tie. Thus causing the first time in US sports history the words great and tie have been used together.

Upon hearing we tied Slovania, most US sports fans asked: “The US tied a light bulb company?”

British Petroleum CEO, Tony Hayward, faced tough grilling by a congressional energy committee. Hayward compared it to a brutal dental appointment except, being British, he’s never had a dental appointment.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Boston Celtics 83-79. After the game, Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist. And then Ron Artest’s psychiatrist thanked god Ron didn’t mention her name.

Since you asked:

What a great Daddy Day Sunday. Went out Stand Up Paddle board surfing at Scripps/La Jolla Shores. Caught some good rides on a somewhat sloppy day. Ate carne asada tacos washed down with frosty Maggies and then napped/watched the Cubs game.

My daughter, Ann Caroline, got me an awesome Argentine spice rub for Dad Day, rubbed it on a beautiful top sirloin and slow grilled with smoke that puppy and served it up sliced with sautéed mushrooms and a red wine reduction sauce with a Yukon gold baker and a salad. Whew. Then watched the US Open.

That, Slattelletos and Nuggasaurases, in the words of the great Max Von Stock, does not suck.

Here is a fun and easy recipe that looks fancy and hard. Marinate chicken breasts in olive oil and garlic. Butterfly them open and place a slice of Mozzarella and two basil leaves, flap it back and close up. Wrap a piece of prosciutto around the breast and secure all with tooth picks. Grill over a medium flame, serve with a Marsalla wine and mushroom sauce with rice and steamed broccoli.

Hey, French soccer fans, don’t get too upset about your team’s World Cup selfish brat implosion. I mean come on, it’s not like, before the tournament began, one of your top players confessed to sleeping with an underage prostitute and still faces possible charges.

Oh, Franck Ribery did do that? Before or after he converted to Islam?

Well, you can take some comfort in knowing you didn’t falsely qualify for the World Cup on a double hit intentional hand ball against Ireland.

Thierry Henry did just that very thing?

There has to be some pride in the fact that two of your starters didn’t get in a fistfight on the flight to South Africa.

That rumor turns out to be true?

Well at least they came out hard to beat huge underdog Mexico in their first match.

What’s that? Mexico thumped the huge favorite France 2-0?

Well at least at halftime of that game France’s, Nicolas Anelka, didn’t unleash an obscenity-laced tirade insult at the coach, Raymond Domenech, which resulted in Anelka being expelled from the team.

That’s exactly what happened?

The good news is that incident inspired the team to unify and train hard for their upcoming match against South Africa.

You’re kidding. The team boycotted their next training session, two days prior to their game against South Africa in protest of Anelka’s getting tossed?

At the bare minimum the team announces they will play the last game against South Africa hard for the pride of their country.

France commits an atrocious dirty elbow by Yoann Gourcuff who gets a red card toss and France plays one man down? And then they play half heartedly to lose badly again 2-1 in a game that was not as close as the score sounds?

Wow, well, as bad as all of that is, at the very least the French will try to show some modicum of class and dignity after the game.

The despised French manager, Raymond Domenech, in a world record for poor sportsmanship, refuses to shake the hand of the winning South African coach?

Never mind, French soccer fans, you should feel humiliated and despondent. If you want Americans to stop making jokes about the French, you have to stop doing stuff like this.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Remember that two-year-old Indonesian toddler smoking 40 cigarettes a day? The good news? He's down to ten a day. Bad news? He only smokes when he drinks.

BP CEO Tony Hayward and Mr. Bean actor, Rowan Atkinson. Separated at birth?