Friday, March 19, 2010

I wish I could quit you

It’s all in slow motion, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Last week, I’m not sure the younger “American Idol” contestants got the Rolling Stones songs they sang. Like that one guy who dedicated his song to the memory of Keith Richards.

In her interview with “GQ” John Edwards mistress, Rielle Hunter, said she slept with Edwards on their first date and had his illegitimate child, but she did not feel like his Mistress. No, sweety, once you take money every month, you’re not a mistress, technically you’re a Ho.

ABBA was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; this is twenty years to the day ABBA was inducted into the Dyslexic Bands Fame of Hall. Along with Aja.

Mardi Gras ended recently, Wednesday is St. Patrick’s Day and March Madness begins. This is the Christmas time for degenerate drunks and gamblers.

Fox announced they are canceling “24” after this season. Oh my word, do you know what this means? Evil terrorists have taken over Fox. Call Jack Bauer.

A TV station in Chicago has ordered its broadcasters to stop using cliché newspeak words. For more on this uber-scandal-gate saga, we will literally update you at the point in time we come back after the break, so stay tuned, we’ll be right back. (Cue: circa 1965 fake typing noises)

A TV station in Chicago ordered its broadcasters to stop using newspeak words. That’s great because OMG, for sure, people are like totally so, like, tired of weak language and whatever, duh.

Are you ready for the NCAA tournament? Let me give you an inside tip. Go with the New Jersey Institute Spray Tanners to upset the Florida Teacher College Student Humpers.

Tragically, an airplane making an emergency landing on a beach on South Carolina hit and killed a jogger. And yet you never hear of an airplane landing on a guy lying on his couch eating Doritos.

German researchers claim they are close to inventing an invisibility cloak. And yet still no flying cars. This invisibility cloak information would be really exciting to me if I was still 12-years-old.

Since you asked:

Rest in peace, Fess Parker. Met the man once in Santa Barbara and he was everything I hoped he would be: tall, handsome even as an older dude and friendly and polite. A true old school California class act.

My love for Daniel Boone knew no limits as a child. Of course I had the raccoon hat, the buckskin fringe jacket, the musket and powder horn and the lace up moccasins. Now if I wore that outfit I would look like the missing Village Person.

The only problem I had with the Daniel Boone TV show was the scenes shot in a studio, the sets were god awful. The one outside of Boone’s log cabin had trees that looked like they were on a train set.

The outdoor shots were fine even if they were filmed in and around Big Bear in the mountains east of Los Angeles. At that age I was not aware of the now obvious differences between the topography of the mountains of California and Kentucky.

And let us get down to both the nitty and the gritty, Slatinoss and Nugsasi. What in the coonskin cap go-to-hell was the deal with Mingo, Boone’s side kick? An Oxford educated Cherokee? Harvard wasn’t good enough? And how did he pick up such a thick English accent in just four years of college? But I guess if Pennsylvanian Joe Namath can pick up a southern accent for life in four years at Alabama, it can happen.

But that Mingo/Boone relationship now makes Batman and Robin look macho. Seriously, camping out together for weeks at a time? Not that there is anything wrong with that. There was more than a little “Brokeback Mountain” in that relationship, if you ask me.

As vividly as anything, I can still remember when the actor, Ed Ames made his famous crotch-throwing tomahawk appearance on “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.” While the rest of the nation laughed, my youthful innocence was slowly dying inside. Where was Mingo’s long hair? And why is he so damn crappy at throwing the tomahawk?

Oh, and can I add one small lost innocence cynical observation? Someone on that show, a writer, a producer or a director, was heavily into bondage. It would be impossible to count the number of time Boone's wife or a female neighbor was captured by the Indians and tied up against a tree.

When I was playing Daniel Boone with my neighbor, Debbie, she was Mrs Boone and I tied her to their pipe in the basement. It was at the tender age of about ten I learned something interesting: tied up girls are fun.

Dear "American Idol" contestant Casey James:

Yes, we, all the really good people here at a.L.b.B., are fans. We want you to win. So for the love of all that is decent, please do the White Stripes (Jack White) "Seven Nation Army" and hit those power chords and sexy it up. Kara will have to be attended to.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

St. Patty’s Day, Puttin’ the O’ in Ho’ for centuries, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I would like to personally congratulate Hollywood, they’ve gone over a week without giving themselves an award.

Do you know how you can tell it has been a week since the Oscars? Meryl Streep just got nominated for the best actress award.

Earlier this week we had a 4.4 earthquake at four am. I was shaking like Naomi Campbell’s driver in a traffic jam.

Lada Gaga announced she is celibate. Well, duh. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks like a Salvador Dali painting on acid? Even Elton John laughs at how Lady Gaga dresses.

First, Lada Gaga said she was bi-sexual, now she says she is celibate. How embarrassing, if you say you’re bi-sexual and celibate it automatically doubles the amount of people who won’t have sex with you.

Remember the San Diego guy who claimed his Prius was stuck going 95 mph? Now they think it was a hoax. His navigational system voice-lady was heard saying; “We did this for the reality show.”

Le Whif is a new chocolate you can inhale. To which Kirsty Alley said; “What’s new about that? I’ve been inhaling chocolate for years.”

Le Whif is a new is new coffee and chocolate you can inhale. Wait until Starbucks runs with this. “Introducing Starbuck’s new Vente Schnoz-mocha-alino. You just inhaled, that will be ten dollars, please.”

Don’t we already have a coffee you inhale? It’s called: cocaine.

A study in the journal “Neurobiology of Aging” revealed there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50. Not only that, but there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50.

Tiger Woods will return to golf to play the Masters. In Las Vegas you can now get odds on, when Tiger tees off, when the first drunk idiot will yell; “Get in the Ho.”

My Favorite St. Patty’s joke:

An Englishman, New Yorker and an Irishman were in a plastic and expensive hotel bar in Los Angeles, so they reminisced about their favorite drinking holes.

The New Yorker says;

“Fuhgettaboutit, there’s this bar in Brooklyn, see? You buy a drink, badaboom, they buy you the second drink.”

The Englishman says;

“Rather. Look here, chaps, there is a pub outside London where, if you buy two drinks, the next two are free.”

The Irishman says;

“Awww, dat (that) taint (ain’t) newton (nothing) Dere (there) is a bar in Dublin where they buy you your first, second, tird (third) fourth and fifth drink. Then they take you in the back and see to it you get properly laid.”

Visibly impressed, the Englishman and New Yorker asked the Irishman when he was last there.

“Oh, I ain’t never been,” says the Irishman, “me sister told me about it.”

Example # 4,567 I may not be the man my mother wanted me to be.

So I am sitting at a stop light and a full-blown smug d-bag blasts through the red light two seconds after the yellow changed, yammering on his illegal hand held cell phone driving a red Prius.

Before I know what happened, I stick my head out the window and scream:

“I hope your accelerator sticks.”

That’s right, Slats and Nugs, I won my own “Douggie suck a bag-o-dicks” award.

Lex’s brilliant idea of the month:

Remake the awesome TV show, “Rat Patrol” into a full blown movie. Except we make it a buddy/comedy action movie.

Picture Dax Shepard and George Clooney in one Jeep, Clooney is the driver, Dax is on the mounted machine gun.

Clooney’s character says:

“You know what we get to do today? We get to ride around in Jeeps and shoot Nazis. Does it get any better than that?”

Shepard’s character:

“How about a champagne bubble bath with Betty Grable?”

Clooney’s character:

“I’d rather shoot Nazis.”

Shepard’s character:

“You still like girls, right?”

The Jeep roars off.

Folks, that is Hollywood gold waiting to happen.

How depressing is this?

When I hear a really cool guitar solo ( I play the harmonica, not the guitar) I still picture myself on stage at a summer backyard party in high school playing it to a swooning Debbie Dean. Here's my question: on a scale of one-to-ten for depressing, where is this between, the movie "Precious" or closer to Haitian refugee?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Like this, but the green was darker

You the dawg now man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s daylight savings time, now the New York Knicks are going to suck an hour earlier.

You thought those stuck Toyota Prius’s were fast before? Now they’re going to arrive an hour earlier.

David Beckham is out six months after Achilles heel surgery; so the only World Cup Becks will be playing will be in his imagination. So look for the new film: “Pretend it Like Beckham.”

In sad news, actor Peter Graves passed away, he was the star on the show “Mission Impossible” or as we now call “Mission Impossible”: health care reform.

In sad news, actor Peter Graves passed away; and it’s not looking good for actor Joe Cemeteries either.

Madonna was on “The Marriage Ref” but her relationship advice wasn’t very good, she just kept telling the women to sleep with NBA players and the New York Yankees.

In Burbank, a 33-year-old female teacher was charged with having sex with her 14-year-old male student. She is in jail and he has been trying to answer all of his text messages titled; “Dude, you the man.”

Either you’re excited about March Madness men’s NCAA college basketball tournament or you’re not. When I filled out my brackets and told my assistant “I have Gonzaga in the semis”, she said “Oh my word, I didn’t even know they were infected.”

The Tiger Woods ambulance attendants now say they suspected domestic violence was involved. What was their clue? The backwards Nike emblem stamped on Tiger’s forehead by his golf club.

“Big Mike” Lynche sang “This Women’s Work” on “American Idol” and tore it up, Kara was in tears, Simon said it was the best live performance yet; however, Howard Stern thought he was just some enormous fat black dude who won’t ever get another gig.

They now have a chocolate you can inhale, Le Whif. Le Whif was created in France and it smells so good it actually drowns out the smell of French people.

It rained so hard in New York City Naomi Campbell tried to drown her driver.

Since you asked:

My daughter was going to wear her new precious Ugg boots without socks and then thought better of it. It reminded me of the time I got my first pair of cool gym shoes.

On Christmas day in 1970, I got my first pair of Adidas. The brand name was Italia and they were white leather kangaroo skin with green stripes and a green sole. They came in a beautiful blue box with white Adidas stripes. About every hour, on Christmas day, I would take them out of the box just to smell that awesome leather smell. For the last week of Christmas vacation I only wore them inside the house because I didn’t want them to get wet from the snow.

By mid July, these shoes, and my attitude towards them, were singing a different tune. Right at this time all the great guys I watched on AAU Track broadcasts on Sundays were suddenly not wearing socks with their track shoes. They must have thought they could wear tighter shoes or it made them more aerodynamic, but suddenly all of my track idols, Lee Evans, pole vaulter Bob Seagren, hurdler Willy Davenport and especially Decathlete Bill Toomey, were not wearing socks with their Adidas track shoes.

So, of course, I didn’t wear socks with my Adidas either. By August my mother no longer allowed my Adidas inside the house.

On my 12th birthday on a scorching hot and humid Mid-August Chicago summer day, I went outside to fetch my shoes which were on the grass in the backyard.

When I got closer to my shoes, I discovered they were completely covered with flies. When I panned to the right three feet, I saw a fresh pile of doggy- do and it was totally and completely without flies.

When your shoes collect many more flies than your dog’s poop, it’s a good sign it is time to throw them away.

This fond childhood memory was brought to you by the fine people at Adidas:

“We made shoes for the Nazis and they didn’t kill us, so you know they’re good.”

Why Lex Doesn’t Write Company Mottos

Nike: We exploit Asian youth and somehow manage to still be the smuggest company on the planet.

Blockbuster: We utterly stopped trying ten years ago.

McDonalds: Just like our customers, we have no regard for health either.

Subway: Of course we know the roast beef is greyish green, we just don’t care.

Hawaii Tourism: Mahalo, which we told you means hello and goodbye, but it really means spend your money and leave evil tourists. Mahalo.

Rite Aid: We don’t want to be in this god-awful depressing dump either.

Radio Shack: Just like computer nerds, but without the knowledge or money.

Red Robin: You think our customers are A-holes? Wait until you meet the management.

TGI Fridays: Look, we know if you had any money you wouldn’t be in here, but let’s pretend to have fun anyway.

Marshalls: You want us to believe you are just being thrifty, but we both know you’re really broke.

Seven Eleven: None of us would be in here if our lives turned out the way we want, so let’s just get this transaction over with.

United States Postal Service: The only people who are inept enough to get fired from this organization are the homicidally insane.

Starbucks: For those too snotty to be seen in a McDonalds.