St. Patty’s Day, Puttin’ the O’ in Ho’ for centuries, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


I would like to personally congratulate Hollywood, they’ve gone over a week without giving themselves an award.


Do you know how you can tell it has been a week since the Oscars? Meryl Streep just got nominated for the best actress award.


Earlier this week we had a 4.4 earthquake at four am. I was shaking like Naomi Campbell’s driver in a traffic jam.


Lada Gaga announced she is celibate. Well, duh. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks like a Salvador Dali painting on acid? Even Elton John laughs at how Lady Gaga dresses.


First, Lada Gaga said she was bi-sexual, now she says she is celibate. How embarrassing, if you say you’re bi-sexual and celibate it automatically doubles the amount of people who won’t have sex with you.


Remember the San Diego guy who claimed his Prius was stuck going 95 mph? Now they think it was a hoax. His navigational system voice-lady was heard saying; “We did this for the reality show.”


Le Whif is a new chocolate you can inhale. To which Kirsty Alley said; “What’s new about that? I’ve been inhaling chocolate for years.”


Le Whif is a new is new coffee and chocolate you can inhale. Wait until Starbucks runs with this. “Introducing Starbuck’s new Vente Schnoz-mocha-alino. You just inhaled, that will be ten dollars, please.”

Don’t we already have a coffee you inhale? It’s called: cocaine.



A study in the journal “Neurobiology of Aging” revealed there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50. Not only that, but there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50.



Tiger Woods will return to golf to play the Masters. In Las Vegas you can now get odds on, when Tiger tees off, when the first drunk idiot will yell; “Get in the Ho.”



My Favorite St. Patty’s joke:

An Englishman, New Yorker and an Irishman were in a plastic and expensive hotel bar in Los Angeles, so they reminisced about their favorite drinking holes.

The New Yorker says;

“Fuhgettaboutit, there’s this bar in Brooklyn, see? You buy a drink, badaboom, they buy you the second drink.”

The Englishman says;

“Rather. Look here, chaps, there is a pub outside London where, if you buy two drinks, the next two are free.”

The Irishman says;

“Awww, dat (that) taint (ain’t) newton (nothing) Dere (there) is a bar in Dublin where they buy you your first, second, tird (third) fourth and fifth drink. Then they take you in the back and see to it you get properly laid.”

Visibly impressed, the Englishman and New Yorker asked the Irishman when he was last there.

“Oh, I ain’t never been,” says the Irishman, “me sister told me about it.”


Example # 4,567 I may not be the man my mother wanted me to be.

So I am sitting at a stop light and a full-blown smug d-bag blasts through the red light two seconds after the yellow changed, yammering on his illegal hand held cell phone driving a red Prius.

Before I know what happened, I stick my head out the window and scream:

“I hope your accelerator sticks.”

That’s right, Slats and Nugs, I won my own “Douggie suck a bag-o-dicks” award.


Lex’s brilliant idea of the month:

Remake the awesome TV show, “Rat Patrol” into a full blown movie. Except we make it a buddy/comedy action movie.

Picture Dax Shepard and George Clooney in one Jeep, Clooney is the driver, Dax is on the mounted machine gun.

Clooney’s character says:

“You know what we get to do today? We get to ride around in Jeeps and shoot Nazis. Does it get any better than that?”

Shepard’s character:

“How about a champagne bubble bath with Betty Grable?”

Clooney’s character:

“I’d rather shoot Nazis.”

Shepard’s character:

“You still like girls, right?”

The Jeep roars off.

Folks, that is Hollywood gold waiting to happen.

How depressing is this?

When I hear a really cool guitar solo ( I play the harmonica, not the guitar) I still picture myself on stage at a summer backyard party in high school playing it to a swooning Debbie Dean. Here's my question: on a scale of one-to-ten for depressing, where is this between, the movie "Precious" or closer to Haitian refugee?