Like this, but the green was darker

You the dawg now man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



It’s daylight savings time, now the New York Knicks are going to suck an hour earlier.


You thought those stuck Toyota Prius’s were fast before? Now they’re going to arrive an hour earlier.


David Beckham is out six months after Achilles heel surgery; so the only World Cup Becks will be playing will be in his imagination. So look for the new film: “Pretend it Like Beckham.”


In sad news, actor Peter Graves passed away, he was the star on the show “Mission Impossible” or as we now call “Mission Impossible”: health care reform.


In sad news, actor Peter Graves passed away; and it’s not looking good for actor Joe Cemeteries either.

Madonna was on “The Marriage Ref” but her relationship advice wasn’t very good, she just kept telling the women to sleep with NBA players and the New York Yankees.

In Burbank, a 33-year-old female teacher was charged with having sex with her 14-year-old male student. She is in jail and he has been trying to answer all of his text messages titled; “Dude, you the man.”

Either you’re excited about March Madness men’s NCAA college basketball tournament or you’re not. When I filled out my brackets and told my assistant “I have Gonzaga in the semis”, she said “Oh my word, I didn’t even know they were infected.”


The Tiger Woods ambulance attendants now say they suspected domestic violence was involved. What was their clue? The backwards Nike emblem stamped on Tiger’s forehead by his golf club.

“Big Mike” Lynche sang “This Women’s Work” on “American Idol” and tore it up, Kara was in tears, Simon said it was the best live performance yet; however, Howard Stern thought he was just some enormous fat black dude who won’t ever get another gig.


They now have a chocolate you can inhale, Le Whif. Le Whif was created in France and it smells so good it actually drowns out the smell of French people.


It rained so hard in New York City Naomi Campbell tried to drown her driver.


Since you asked:

My daughter was going to wear her new precious Ugg boots without socks and then thought better of it. It reminded me of the time I got my first pair of cool gym shoes.

On Christmas day in 1970, I got my first pair of Adidas. The brand name was Italia and they were white leather kangaroo skin with green stripes and a green sole. They came in a beautiful blue box with white Adidas stripes. About every hour, on Christmas day, I would take them out of the box just to smell that awesome leather smell. For the last week of Christmas vacation I only wore them inside the house because I didn’t want them to get wet from the snow.

By mid July, these shoes, and my attitude towards them, were singing a different tune. Right at this time all the great guys I watched on AAU Track broadcasts on Sundays were suddenly not wearing socks with their track shoes. They must have thought they could wear tighter shoes or it made them more aerodynamic, but suddenly all of my track idols, Lee Evans, pole vaulter Bob Seagren, hurdler Willy Davenport and especially Decathlete Bill Toomey, were not wearing socks with their Adidas track shoes.

So, of course, I didn’t wear socks with my Adidas either. By August my mother no longer allowed my Adidas inside the house.

On my 12th birthday on a scorching hot and humid Mid-August Chicago summer day, I went outside to fetch my shoes which were on the grass in the backyard.

When I got closer to my shoes, I discovered they were completely covered with flies. When I panned to the right three feet, I saw a fresh pile of doggy- do and it was totally and completely without flies.

When your shoes collect many more flies than your dog’s poop, it’s a good sign it is time to throw them away.

This fond childhood memory was brought to you by the fine people at Adidas:

“We made shoes for the Nazis and they didn’t kill us, so you know they’re good.”




Why Lex Doesn’t Write Company Mottos


Nike: We exploit Asian youth and somehow manage to still be the smuggest company on the planet.

Blockbuster: We utterly stopped trying ten years ago.


McDonalds: Just like our customers, we have no regard for health either.


Subway: Of course we know the roast beef is greyish green, we just don’t care.


Hawaii Tourism: Mahalo, which we told you means hello and goodbye, but it really means spend your money and leave evil tourists. Mahalo.


Rite Aid: We don’t want to be in this god-awful depressing dump either.


Radio Shack: Just like computer nerds, but without the knowledge or money.


Red Robin: You think our customers are A-holes? Wait until you meet the management.


TGI Fridays: Look, we know if you had any money you wouldn’t be in here, but let’s pretend to have fun anyway.


Marshalls: You want us to believe you are just being thrifty, but we both know you’re really broke.

Seven Eleven: None of us would be in here if our lives turned out the way we want, so let’s just get this transaction over with.

United States Postal Service: The only people who are inept enough to get fired from this organization are the homicidally insane.

Starbucks: For those too snotty to be seen in a McDonalds.