Friday, March 05, 2010

This just in: Actor Mickey Rourke claims he once had sex with 14 women in one night. Here is my question: was this before or after he and Carrot Top entered "The World's Scariest Looking Dude" contest?

A new gossip book claims Mick Jagger had sex with Angelina Jolie. They actually didn’t have much choice, when they kissed hello their lips stuck together for two hours, so they made the best of it.

When the hell do these Hollywood types find the time to make movies?
Apropos of nothing, but does putting a picture of someone on your blog technically violate the conditions of a restraining order?

What, right, what, right, what, right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

California lawmaker, Roy Assburn, oops, I mean Ashburn, who is staunchly against gay rights, was arrested for a DUI and confessed he was at a gay bar. That’s not all, you should have seen the hilarious mistake Ashburn made when the officer asked him to blow into the breathalyzer

Congratulations US Olympians Shaun White, Lindsey Vonn and Seth Wescott for getting on cover of the Wheaties box. And don’t you dare make a crass joke about figure skater Johnny Weir getting on the box of Fruit Loops, because that is just plain wrong.

“American Idol” fans, the next time you look at Simon Cowell’s hair, I dare you to not try and imagine someone placing a golf tee and ball on top of it and teeing off. It looks like a driving range plastic fake-grass matt.

Reports show marijuana use among the elderly is rising rapidly. This explains my Uncle Bill’s looking-for-his-glasses-which-are-on-top-of-his-head almost hourly routine.

JFK airport is going to shut down their main runway for four months; it’s all part of simplifying things so they can teach elementary kids to be air traffic controllers.

JFK airport is going to shut down their main runway for four months; this will effect everyone except Jet Blue passengers, they never leave the runway anyway.

Tiger Woods is back home in Florida and is reportedly practicing golf all day. Got that, guys? Tiger’s punishment for sleeping with a lot of hot women is he has to play golf all day. Exactly where did the rest of us go so horribly wrong?

Since you asked:
The influence of attractive women in comedy has to be at an all time high. Yes, there were the legends, the greats like Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett and Phyllis Diller, but, for whatever reason, they were not allowed to be funny and hot. And they weren’t funny and hot, just funny.

Mary Tyler Moore was probably the closest to combining funny and hot, but I didn't think she was all that hot. Especially after "Ordinary People." But that role did prove what a great actress MTM was. Trust me, in north suburban Chicago, you cannot throw a stick without hitting a bloodless socialite housewife exactly like that character: impeccable manners and absolutely no soul. And Moore nailed it with chilling precision. (Luckily my mom and her friends were not like that)

In fact, when I look back at the girls I thought I liked in high school versus tho ones I now have fond memories of, the difference is a sense of humor. The ones I thought were cute at the time did not have a sense of humor. The ones I really like now did.

A woman I worked with in New York was absolutely striking looking when you first met her, jet black hair, dark shining eyes, great body. Every time after that she opened her humorless pie hole, she got less attractive by the syllable. Her utter and consuming humorlessness - it was her main personality characteristic - changed her in two years from a solid Nine to barely a Two. No lie, by the time I left to go back to California, the sight of her almost made me ill. And her looks never changed one bit.

In fairness, maybe our society has, until now, hammered home to attractive young girls that being funny made them seem less attractive to men. Many of those scary Stepford wife moms in suburban Chicago preached that: "Don't be a clown, boys want to think they're the funny one." Thankfully, nobody told my mom or my aunt and cousins that. They are/were attractive and funny as all hell.

There is a strong passel of babes/chicks/hotties/Bettys* out there obliterating the myth that hot women cannot be funny and smart. When the wildly underrated Natasha Leggero can imitate a stupid hot chick to a tee, it is trouble for all the stupid hot chicks. Got that Paris, Lindsay and Heidi? If you don’t know about her, check out her Google her website under Natasha Leggero, she is sort of the shiksa Sarah Silverman, Sarah is also funny and hot.

Among my favorite funny, smart attractive chicks are Chelsea Lately or Handler - I can’t figure out which one is her name - Amy Sadaris, who is not only hot, funny and smart, but she is outhouse rat crazy in the best way. And comedy writers and twitter friends, Diablo Cody, Caprice Crane and my good friend and facebook pal, Janice Hough, Janice knows more about sports and politics than any ten guys I can think of.

Heather Graham showed some seriously funny chops in "The Hangover." Jennifer Aniston also on "30 Rock." But hot and funny often do not mix. Try and imagine Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie in a comedy? No, me neither. Or is it either?

What's the main difference between hot women who are funny versus hot women who are not? In my opinion it is brains. You have to be smart to be funny, i.e. Tina Fey. That shrew I mentioned from New York was hot, but as dumb as a tote bag full of hockey pucks.

And of course, as I just mentioned, the legendary Tina Fey. If you don’t watch “30 Rock” there is a good chance I don’t like you. (Don't give me this "I am so busy I don't have time" BS. The Internet and DVR's make it time efficient) And that reminds me, all the hot women on “30 Rock” are hilarious including Jane Krakowski and Katrina Bowden.

And how could I forget Amy Poehler? How come she hasn't done a cameo on "30 Rock"?

Gorgeous, sexy, funny, quick-witted, lovable, smart, warm, kind, talented and nice.

There are so few of us.

*One of the many great things about women with a sense of humor is that they are not offended by things like being called - what more serious women would call - pejorative names for women. Right, sugar lips?

I would like to warn everyone that we may be in for a very weird year when Naomi Campbell is hitting her driver harder than Tiger Woods.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Paddle to the battle
What we got is the situation up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in, that Russian choir at the Vancouver closing ceremonies? They just finished singing the Russian national anthem.

Kate Gosselin will appear on “Dancing with the Stars” which now apparently is called: “Dancing with the Untalented Reality TV Uber-Bitch.”

Did you see Sarah Palin’s stand up routine on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”? All that was missing was her closing with; “Good night, tip your waitress and try the Moose steaks.”

At Rutgers, sorority girls were arrested for paddling their pledges butts. When the call for this went out on the police scanner, it was responded to by a record 675 policemen.

Canadians accuse Americans of not understanding hockey, but that’s not true, if our guys had used their long pokey things to get that rubber disk into Canada’s net basket dealie before they did? We would have won.

Did you see Canadian hockey expert Don Cherry before the game? Oh my word, he looked like the spawn from unholy union of Dudley Doright and Lady Gaga.

If you ask me, the gold medal hockey game came down to a questionable icing call in the third period. Just kidding, I got no frickin’ clue what the hell was happening.

At Rutgers, sorority girls were arrested for paddling their pledges on their naked butts. The sorority girls were charged with assault, battery and attempting to commit the world’s hottest crime.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Or as the students of U.C. San Diego would call it: a blatantly racist Canadian Stereotype

They best not mofo with our mojo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Loved the Vancouver closing ceremonies especially that giant beaver. Apropos of nothing, anyone heard from the Octomom lately?

Congrats to Canada for a well deserved hockey gold medal. Maybe, in some small way, this will help make up for Celine Dion.

Great Olympics, Vancouver, but tell the truth: does anybody in the entire beautiful country of Canada actually know all the words to "Oh, Canada"?

Simon Cowell is engaged. It was very romantic. Simon got on one knee and said;

"Can I be honest with you? You weren't terrible, but you have to try and stick out from all the others."

Since you asked:

Loved the Vancouver closing ceremonies. Canadians are so great and they have a marvelous sense of humor - many or our top comedians are Canadian - and they love to make fun of themselves. First mocking the lighting-torch mishap made the whole initially embarrassing episode not only OK, but memorable and funny.

But, my word, the cavalcade of hot chick Mounties in mini skirts, the giant beaver floats, the huge Moose balloons, surrounded by dancing lumberjacks and scrapping hockey players? It was hysterical, but great at the same time.

Can you imagine the French if a ceremony included a man with giant mustache wearing a beret and a striped shirt riding a bike with a bag of bread in the front basket? Their heads would explode they would be so upset.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Don Cherry