Saturday, February 06, 2010

Oh my goodness

You know what the #1 Super Bowl snack is? Guacamole. You know what the least favorite Super Bowl snack is? The Michael Irvin Roofies and Viagra clam dip.

This is what a lie looks like

The rain insane and mostly a royal pain, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Veterinary Pet Insurance Co. claims there are 106 pets named Peyton Manning and 32 named Drew Brees. I named my dog Brett Favre, but it kept running away to retire and coming back. So I changed his name to Detroit Lions, now he can't go anywhere.

A New Jersey man was indicted for shooting his parrot because it was squawking too loudly during a NASCAR race on TV. The man claims he was just giving his wife fair warning prior to the Super Bowl.

New Jersey man was indicted for shooting his parrot because it was squawking too loudly during a NASCAR race on TV. Listen up, New Jersey, if you want us to stop making jokes about you, you have to stop doing stuff like this.

The rain in San Diego is amazing. California has to be the only place where they declare a drought when my neighbor's dog is swimming between their pool and Jacuzzi.

A New Jersey man was indicted for shooting his parrot because it was squawking too loudly during a NASCAR race on TV. Not to say this guy is white trash, but when they asked his wife and sister to comment, she declined.

Osama bin Laden released another audio tape blaming the US for global warming and strongly suggesting you take the Colts and give the five points.

There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler jean commercial for the Super Bowl. It’s embarrassing, in this one, at the last second, Favre’s pants get intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Since you asked:

The serious rape charges against Michael Irvin are about as shocking as the news Brett Favre is mulling over retirement.

When I briefly talked to him during media day at the Super Bowl in San Diego, Irvin was as rude, curt, sullen and dismissive off camera as he was energetic, clever and charming on camera.

But that was nothing compared to what was revealed about Irvin the next day on "The Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw Show" on KGB.

A woman who worked for KGB was chauffeuring Irvin back to his hotel, less than five minutes after Irvin pontificated on air the importance of his marriage, family and Jesus, Irvin then exposed himself to her demanding sexual service and then threatened her with litigation and violence if she said anything to anyone.

Irvin's victim in this case was no greedy golddigger. In fact, she insisted on letting the incident go so she could put it past her.

My bet is this won't be the only post to spring up on Twitter, blogs or Facebook accusing Irvin of the same thing or even worse.

Michael Irvin is a human cesspool of lies and hypocrisy and deserves everything that happens to him, as long as it is bad. Including prison.

That Dallas team of coach Jimmy Johnson, owner Jerry Jones, Michael Irvin, Troy Aikman and Deion Sanders had to be the biggest collection world class flaming a-holes ever to coagulate into a steaming rancid and fetid sewer-clogging clump.

But, as bad as the rest of those "How 'bout those boys?" schmucks are, Irvin is the only one accused of rape.

Now ask me how I really feel.

On a slightly lighter note, this rain in San Diego is wild. When did we trade states with Oregon? I never signed up for this. My stand up paddle surfboard has forgotten who I am.

Do not forget me, Groucho the Gaucho, for I will be riding you shortly.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Our perspective gives our perspective perspective, true ‘dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Will Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett, says Will is considering going into California politics. So the man in black will soon be a man in the red.

The Super Bowl is coming up, I am so excited I am going to party hard before the game, but then sneak in and watch the game in the privacy and comfort of my own bank.

Friday night in Connecticut, actor Rip Torn was so intoxicated, he broke into a bank thinking it was his home; thus making Rip Torn the most accurately named celebrity besides Andy Dick.

Apple is under fire for the name of their new product, iPad. A spokeswoman for Apple said; “When people say our iPad sounds like a menstrual cycle product, I get so mad I could cry.”

President Barack Obama is getting grief for using a teleprompter in a speech to school children; or as former President Bush used to call the teleprompter: “That fangled Tee Elly Pro Meptor machine.”

The PGA had its first tournament of the year without Tiger Woods, Ben Crane won the Farmers Insurance Open at Torrey Pines. The tournament without Tiger was sort of like sex is for Tiger with just one cocktail waitress instead of three: it’s good, just not the same.

Friday night in Connecticut, actor Rip Torn was so intoxicated, he broke into a bank thinking it was his home; he started to suspect it wasn’t his home when the pen he used to write a “to do” list was chained to the table.

Argentina President Christina Fernandez told her people to spice up their sex lives by eating pork, I can see the erectile dysfunction commercial now: a man and a women in their side-by-side bathtubs eating baby back ribs.

Sadly, “Catcher In the Rye” author J.D. Salinger passed away. He was a brilliant man who wrote a great book, but he hated publicity. He was sort of the anti-Sarah Palin.

Since you asked:

Smacking gum. Shuffling shoes loudly. Hitting the horn-honk car lock button when somebody is right in front of your car. Blocking the way in a grocery store and then acting annoyed when they have to move. Calling a wrong number and hanging up pissed.

These are all probable and likely signs somebody is a dew-hew-you-who-ewwww-che bagggg.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

When I look in the mirror and see this and actually hear Ike from "Tombstone" say; "We don't need no law around here, law-dog." That is when it is time to trim and clean up.

Craigslist update:

Have to admit, the legitimate buyers on Craigslist are great. It's just the moron, mouth-breathers who assume they are going to buy a $1,000 item for $50 and are visibly upset when that turns out not to be the case, they are the ones who are a pain.

Grove it on down slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Apple released their latest invention: the iPad. It is hard for me to imagine, with all of the brilliant people at Apple, not one person thought to say; “Hey, uh, excuse me, but the name iPad sounds a lot like something made by Kotex.”

Apple released their latest invention: the iPad. Doesn’t the iPad sound like a product from Kotex? “Women, it’s not the her-pad, it’s not the them-pad, it is your very own custom iPad.”

You know what I love on “American Idol”? When there is a funny-looking contestant or they say they wrote their song, you can actually see Simon Cowell’s butt cheeks clinch up.

Don’t you love the crowd shots at the State of the Union speech? The republican Senator side looks like a convention of retired morticians and the democratic House side looks like an ABBA reunion concert.

Hangover rating

You can rate hangovers by naming them after celebrities who drink. If you had a few glasses of wine, but were fine, just woke up with a slight hum in the head, that’s a Jimmy Fallon.

You had more than a few glasses of wine, did the two am wake up pee and are pretty tired? That’s a Jimmy Kimmell.

You had cocktails before dinner and then too much wine with dinner and fell asleep on the couch and when you wake up you have to keep rubbing your face and hair? That’s a Zach Galifinakis.

You kept drinking cocktails all night, were slurring your words and don’t remember a patch of what you did and your face is pasty and puffy and there may have been drugs involved? Now you have a Vince Vaughn.

You got absolutely plowed, but you kept drinking anyway and may or may not have puked in the middle of the night and there were drugs involved? That right there is a Bill Murray.

You passed out, woke up and kept drinking like a degenereate and passed out again and started drinking in the morning just so you could get out of bed? That’s either a Charlie Rose or a Pat O’Brien.

Anything worse than that involving copious amounts of booze and drugs is a Nick Nolte, a David Hasselhof or a Rip Torn.

Since you asked:

One of my favorite aspects of this NFL season has been listening to Troy Aikman have to suck up to Drew Brees.

Many years ago when Brees and L.T. were just showing their eminent greatness with the Chargers, I think it was announcer Dick Enberg who told the story of Brees and Tomlinson huddling at the Texas High School All Star game and dreaming out loud that someday they would be on the same team and be the next Troy Aikman and Emmit Smith.

An indignant color announcer, Troy Aikman, veritably sniffed:

“Well, L.T. has a shot at being an Emmitt Smith, but Drew Brees will never be close to a Troy Aikman.”

It was unbelievable, I actually went into a mild shock. Did that a-hole Aikman actually say that?

He did.

Now with Tom Watson coming out against Tiger, I want to re-examine a problem we have with sports stars in this country. We have an unhealthy need to lionize our great athletes as great people when 95% of the time, they simply aren’t. In fact, more often the greatest athletes are horrible people. Two words: OJ Simpson.

Like with Troy Aikman and Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan, the ego, pride, vanity, selfishness, arrogance and competitiveness needed to propel yourself to be a great athlete are simply not the characteristics found in a great guy who is fun to be with on a road trip. Quite the opposite.

Michael Jordan invited his old high school coach to his Hall-of-Fame induction just so he could skewer him on National Television for not putting Jordan on the varsity team when he was a small sophomore. What kind of infected and bitter soul is needed to even think to do that, let alone actually do it?

Every great while the two qualities of being a great athlete and a great guy converge, like with Drew Brees, Joe Namath, Derek Jeter, Gale Sayers, Rafer Johnson, Arnold Palmer and Mark Grace. But for the most part, a great athlete’s personality is going to be that of an insufferable pr*ck, like Aikman, Jordan and Woods.

So when the police arrest Tim Tebow on Sunset Blvd wearing a dress in a whisky induced haze trying to score a tranny hooker and a bag of roofies, please do not say I didn’t warn you.