Saturday, June 13, 2009

This just in: Paris Hilton is working on her second CD. "Gosh, I hope I can buy that on iTunes" said absolutely nobody in their right mind.

Of course, in Paris's case, CD stands for Contagious Disease.

Just a thought, but maybe Letterman should go to Russia and apologize, that way Sarah Palin could see it from her house.

Friday, June 12, 2009

This just in:

Brett Favre may come out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings, which I think is fascinating because when you cleverly jumble up the letters in Brett Favre and Minnesota Vikings it spells: For crying out loud would you please stay retired and go away you pain-in-the-ass primma donna?

Or something like that . . .

In sad news, Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug from "The Hills" have broken up. Paris said she wants to see other people. Specifically Argentina.

Chastity Bono, 40-year-old daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono, is going to have a sex change operation to become a man. "I got one, babe."

Why do I get the feeling somewhere right now, Sonny is kind of glad he didn't wear a ski helmet?

Cher looks excited about the sex change operation for Chastity. Of course, with all of her facelifts, Cher looks excited about just about everything.

Since you asked:

This Letterman V. Palin thing is officially ugly. Letterman clearly intended to make a rather off-color joke about Elliot Spitzer impregnating Palin's daughter, Bristol, who, because of the Palins propping her up for the campaign and sending her out to speak about abstinence, and because she is 18, is a fair target. She was pregnant at 16 and now she is the face of abstinence? That's like making Amy Winehouse the face of discipline.

But Letterman apologized and clarified that point. Letterman never intended to joke about Palin's 14-year-old daughter, Willow. But the Palins continue to attack and they keep bringing up that point. OK, fine. You know what happened the last time a Republican messed with Letterman? Ask John McCain. And McCain is a whole ton smarter than Sarah Palin.

On the other hand, I think one of the biggest - if maybe the only - big mistake Letterman has made on his show is to air his political bias. Johnny Carson never did that, Leno never did that. Why alienate a big portion of your audience? You also lose one side of the political parties you can make jokes about. And when you do joke about the side you don't like, it appears to be a cheap shot.

And I have to agree with Leno's mafia policy about jokes: no kids and pets.

It seems obvious Palin is using this manufactured outrage to give some free publicity to her pipeline deal with Texas and Exxon. How sleazy is that? Throwing your 14-year-old daughter under Letterman's bus to pimp some pork? Now that is shameless.

And Palin does look like a slutty flight attendant. Who said looking like a sluttly flight attendant is a bad thing? There is not one thing wrong with slutty flight attendants. We love slutty flight attendants.

Regardless of politics, I think John McCain is a flat out good man. What he found out the hard way, much to his chagrin, is what Palin continues to prove with this Letterman spat, and that is Palin is a wildly ambitious, horribly under-intelligent publicity whore.

But not a slutty flight attendant.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Word out on the street is that a word shouldn’t be out in the street, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Forensic experts say David Carradine didn’t try and commit suicide. He did, however, try and choke his chicken.

Former 1998 San Diego Charger 2nd draft pick and NFL washout, Ryan Leaf, is wanted by the police in Texas. This marks the first time the words wanted and Ryan Leaf have appeared together since 1998.

The first concert at the new Cowboys stadium - at a George Strait concert - resulted in 21 arrests. This sets the record for most arrests at a Cowboy stadium previously held by Adam "Pacman" Jones.

Last Thursday Toronto's Alex Rios struck out in all five plate appearances. This is the second time Rios has struck out in all five plate appearances, a strike out record that breaks the old strike out record set when a Star Trek Convention was held at the same hotel complex as a Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest.

Happy 76th Birthday to Joan Rivers. Joan's friends threw her a surprise party at which Rivers appeared very surprised, but, due to her many facelifts, Joan Rivers pretty much always looks very surprised.

Controversial anti-gay sex marriage proponent and accidental topless model, Carrie Prejean, was fired as Miss California by pageant officials for dereliction of her duties. Prejean said she didn't mean to blow off her duties, the wind accidentally blew them away.

Despite being out after the 2007 season, Sammy Sosa announced he is considering announcing his retirement from baseball; in a related story, Dennis Kucinich is seriously considering conceding the 2008 presidential election to Barack Obama.

Boston Red Sox’s David Ortiz passed an eye exam so eyesight is not to blame for his season-long slump. Gosh, so what could make a player’s home run total plummet the exact same time Major League Baseball is cracking down on performance enhancing drugs? Shoot, I feel like I should know this one. Nope, I don’t get it.

Since you asked:
Sarah Palin is furious at David Letterman at jokes he made she alleges were about her 14-year-old daughter that Letterman clearly intended for her formerly pregnant 18-year-old daughter, Bristol. Are we supposed to believe Palin isn’t smart enough to figure that out? Oh, yeah.

In my history, from time to time, we have had public figures who were incapable of not issuing idiotic statements. The boozed-up wife of that sinister criminal, Watergate figure, John Mitchell, Margaret Mitchell, Jimmy Carter’s mother and brother and obviously Jesse Jackson.

But never have there been so many celebrities and political types who simply cannot shut their stupid yappers. And they fall on all sides of the political and celebrity spectrum: Michael Moore, Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, Joe Biden, Howard Stern, John Edwards, Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, Star Jones, recently Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin.

Maybe it is because of the increase in channels and coverage along with the expanded access of the Internet with Twitter, Blogs and facebook, amplifies and multiplies the amount of verbal stupidity that makes it to the press, but there sure seem to be more than ever an overdose of morons in front of microphones.

By the way, Morons with Microphones is my new band.

Julia Louis Dreyfus told a hilarious story on Letterman about a year ago.

Julia decided to splurge and order an in house leg waxing appointment in honor of her upcoming appearance on Dave's show. Apparently the deal included a bikini/Brazilian total wax, if you know what I mean . . .
("Just what did you think was going to happen out here?" Dave quipped)

As the woman was applying the wax to Julia's, ahem, lady business, the woman proclaimed in a vague European accent;

"My, thees ees such a luffly (lovely) area."

Embarrassed and a little flattered, Dreyfus thanked her. The European waxer pressed on;

"No, I am being the serious, thees is such a beeeee-yooouuuuu-tiful area." ("It seems" Letterman quipped again, "you made a friend.")

Now more worried than flattered, Dreyfus somewhat curtly said; "Thanks . . . again."

Undaunted, the woman continued;

"No, really, thees ees a gorgeous area . . . the beach, the ocean, the palm trees, the hills, the mountains . . ."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Don't Tase Grandma, Bro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In New York, Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle. The bad news? It happened when she fell while being chased by a horny Elliot Spitzer

Hawaii found a note from Abraham Lincoln among its archives. It was a "to do" list. "Free the slaves, check, save the Union, check, appear on "Larry King Live", check."

Even though he has been out since 2007, today Sammy Sosa announced he is thinking of retiring from baseball. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich is seriously considering conceding the presidential election to Barack Obama.

Yep, it looks like Sammy is going to hang up the needle for good.

President Barack Obama took his wife out on a date in New York. Surprisingly, President Bill Clinton thought that was a great idea. But then it was kind of awkward when Clinton said; "You kidding? I'd love to go on a date with Michelle."

Everyone knows about Twitter. You can follow what celebrities are doing all day long. In fact, guys, you can follow Paris Hilton so closely, I strongly recommend you wear a condom.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

No, I believe I can rock wit’ you, home cookin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Cough it up
The headline read: David Carradine died performing an auto-erotic act; if auto-eroticism is considered performing an act, somebody owes Paul Ruebens a Tony award.

The cover of “Sports Illustrated” features a 16-year-old baseball phenomenon, Bryce Harper, who can pitch a 96-mile-an-hour fastball, hit a 570 foot home run and he is so cute he actually makes Manny Rameriz’s uterus hurt.

Assist from the amazingly funny Janice Hough
A San Diego woman had her lawsuit tossed when she tried to sue that Captain Crunch Crunchberries did not have berries in them. You think she is upset now, wait until she finds out Dickies aren't made out of real, well . . .

Saudi flicks
For the first time in 30 years Saudis were allowed to go to the movies. The Saudi movies are different, there is “Mullah & Me,” “He’s Just Not That Into You So He’ll Stone You to Death” and the racy “Spring Break Burka.”

Sarah Palin attended a New York Yankee game. There was sort of an awkward moment when Palin kept asking why the players weren’t wearing skates.

Can’t help it
President Barack Obama is wildly popular with the people of France; Obama is learning the hard way that there are some unfortunate public relations setbacks he cannot control.

Oui kid the French
A Frenchman set a world record for holding his breath underwater for 11 minutes; incidentally, he also set a record for the longest time a Frenchman has ever bathed in water.

Again, oui joke
A Frenchman set a world record for holding his breath underwater for 11 minutes; I’m not sure he set the record fairly, he set it when they told him the German army was coming and he ducked under the water to hide.

After losing “Britain’s Got Talent” overnight singing sensation Susan Boyle suffered a mental breakdown and had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She’s incoherent, loopy, babbling and generally out-of-it, so the official diagnosis is she is Paula Abdul.

Investigators now say David Carradine died while performing auto-erotic sex in his hotel room. And you thought it was embarrassing when the hotel clerk shouted out your amount due on in-room movies? “So, Sir, I guess you liked “Sorority Slaves” you saw it four times.”

Nice try
A 30-year-old man tried to smuggle 24 pounds (street value $75,000) of marijuana into San Diego by paddling it in from Mexico on a surfboard. Police became suspicious primarily because he was trying to paddle 24 pounds of pot on a freaking surfboard.

The board didn't even have a fin which makes paddling incredibly difficult. This may be the stupidest thing ever done since Paris Hilton last did something.

For the last time, please, I'm begging you, Andy Dick, get some help.

Go right to the top
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" is attempting to book a "Saved By the Bell" reunion, but they have been unable to confirm, Dustin Diamond, the guy who played Screech. Let's face it, to book a talent that big you have to go right to the top: his shift manager at Starbucks.

Since you asked:
It’s official, I know have another super power to go along with my ability to make retail cashiers disappear for minutes and to make drivers wander over to my lane without signaling. For whatever reason, I have the innate power to make the person in front of me at a red light suddenly lapse into some stupor while either tweeting, texting or calling on a cell phone when the light changes green.

Look, I never said they were useful super powers, I just said I had them.

At least they're trying
You've got to give General Motors credit for trying. They just introduced their newest car lines: the 2009 Snuggie GT and the 2010 Shamwow SUV.